Question about your spouse or ex

by bluecanary 39 Replies latest jw experiences

  • palmtree67

    The ex: Definately a controller, still tries to control me. I call him a "subtle abuser". Nothing really overt is done or said in public, but behind closed doors - everything I said was stupid, everything I liked was dumb, everything that interested me was idiotic. And absolutely everything was my fault. My favourite was this one time when he was BBQing ( He was really bad at it, turn the heat on high and walk away every time....) and he burnt the crap out of some pork chops. Not just burnt, I'm talking black through and through. Whose fault was it??? Mine, because I HAD BOUGHT DEFECTIVE PORK CHOPS!!!! Sounds funny now, but not so much at the time.

    The current boyfriend: Was a successful fader before I came along. Now we're both df'ed. But boy, THIS man knows how to treat his woman! He does all the little things that really tell me how much he loves me. He has too much respect for women to be a JW man. I remind myself every day, not to take him for granted like my ex did to me.

  • dissed

    Palmtree -Good to see you cruising by

    Sounds like a gem.

    My wife's dad treated his wife like she was million bucks his whole life. Put me to shame.

    And yet, he wasn't a JW. How is that possible?

  • Hiding Questioner
    Hiding Questioner

    "I've noticed we have a few male posters here with wives who are still in the JWs." "...what's your marital/JW situation?"

    Past: Married attractive fake JW sister who pretended to be a wife, used sex and manipulated the elders to garner my pre-marriage assets and her 50% of in-marriage assets. It took her 7 yrs and I was conned by her setting me up before a JC on charges of my unfaithness. After our divorce it took me years later to figure out what really happened. Once I did I was admonished to be a "silent lamb" (my words) by being told to keep quiet about my experience. Like others who have encountered molesters (and, yes, I consider my ex to be a molester) she was able to keep her respectability while I was continually reminded that I was not "scriptually free" because I did not have 8x10 glosses of her unfaithfulness and my finding new contraceptives in "our" home after she had kicked me out, did not seem to matter. Bitter, yes! Not so much at the ex, but at all the elders who knew before, during and after our marriage, knew of the con (she had done this same con to another brother previously) and yet failed to say a word to me. They allowed, enabled and, dare I say, even encouraged my pain and suffering to happen!

    Present: I found a wonderful new wife. Unfortunately she is a JW and does not know my true feelings, as it would crush her. So I play the role of a JW for her. So far it's been working, but it's been very difficult at times.


  • AGuest

    "You should have known when I left the WTBTS, if I had the courage to do that, it was only a matter of time..."

    Shelb's comment to totally "idgit" (can you say, Homer Simpson?)... fake "good-guy," fake JW ex... when, after the last 8 of close to 16 years, she decided she'd finally had enough of his [attempts at] emtional abuse and told him to step off.


    SA, on her own...

  • the real life
    the real life

    I was raised as a witness, married at 19, and divorced at 22. My husband and I were at university at the time and had questioned various aspects of doctrine, etc. together for quite awhile. We were somewhat on the same page spiritually, and slowly stopped going to meetings before we were actually divorced. Though we went our separate ways, we are now both pursuing happy and fulfilling lives (better than anything I could have possibly imagined for myself) and are both in committed, healthy relationships. The divorce and pursuit of our individual goals and life paths kind of all happened naturally and coincided with leaving the organization. We stopped going to meetings together and continued to not go after we were separated. We managed to avoid various people who tried to hunt us down. At the time, I was encouraged by my witness parents not to say anything that would label me as being in opposition to the witnesses to protect my relationship with them. Shortly thereafter, I moved out of the country, so no judicial action was ever taken. I did agree to explain my conflicts with JW beliefs to an elder friend at one point, but it was a private discussion and he never shared what I said with anyone else or took action against me. On the other hand, I know of a couple who is struggling tremendously with a similar spiritual situation. Neither of them are on board with JW doctrine and organizational procedures, but while the wife is prepared to leave, the husband wants to remain loosely attached to the organization so as not to lose friends (and because he believes he can have an influence for the good on witnesses who are beaten down by the borg). The organization is really wreaking havoc on their relationship. They aren't free to make individual spiritual choices without drastically affecting the other's options.

  • hotchocolate

    I believe you cannot have a happy marriage when one person believes and one is apostate. I left my husband after I realised the truth was bullsh*t. It was very very difficult but leaving the witnesses was the number one best decision of my life, and leaving my husband was the second best decision.

  • flipper

    BLUECANARY- Great thread and you ask very smart questions.

    My JW wife of 19 years and I divorced in 1998 . Actually we had drifted apart due to her having problems and flashbacks causing her anger from being abused sexually by her uncles as a 12 year old. But she didn't reveal ANY of this to me until 18 years into the marriage in 1997 when we were both in our late 30's. She refused to get counsel and therapy for her anger . She was manipulative and started doing mentally unstable things. Like calling some good JW buddies of mine without telling me and randomly telling them that me doing oral sex on her reminded her of her step - uncles molesting her at 12. Like THAT was gonna make us closer ? Then as a nice surprise she told me casually that she had called the elders over to visit with us to talk about our experimenting with oral sex and that they were on their way over and would be there in 10 minutes ! As they were driving up the driveway, I was driving out the driveway waving at them . Later on a couple weeks later when I had more notice I did talk with the elders in my wife's presence to see if we could work things out - the elders told my wife she needed to see a professional therapist to get over her anger about the child abuse as it was going to hurt our marriage if she didn't. She looked at them and said , " I don't need any help ! It's my stepmom's fault this happened ! And my step uncles ! And my husbands to blame too ! " Sigh .

    So needless to say the final 6 months of our marriage before the split was loveless, sexless, and doomed to self destruct. I wasn't content to go the rest of my life alone emotionally and without sex . I was married to an emotional corpse . So we split and moved on. Strange thing is - Even though she re-married in 2003 to a newbie JW man - she still has tried maligning me 11 years after the divorce to my JW family , my JW children , and former friends we knew saying I'm rebellious because I stopped attending meetings in 2003 and stood up to some unjust elders. She even lied to my then teenage daughters telling my oldest daughter that I " forced " her to receive oral sex from me giving it to her. There is NO TELLING what kind of twisted , manipulative things have been said about me that are false where I used to live 70 miles south of here. Sometimes ex-wives or ex-husbands are determined to $hit on any happiness you try to find even after splitting up years before.

    Fortunately for me I met Mrs. Flipper on E-harmony almost 4 years ago and we have been happily married 3 years now. It took me until my mid 40's to find the right lady - but it was worth the wait. Life is good now. Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • flipper

    One more thing : Sometimes I feel in life I've been $hit on so hard - my entire head feels brown

  • bluecanary

    Thanks for responses everyone.

    the real life, welcome to the board

    Flipper, I'm very glad you found Mrs. Flipper.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    left my abusive JW husband (sexual, emotional and spiritual)

    But then I also left the non-JW husband too (emotional)

    no place in my life for people or groups of people who want to control or abuse me

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