Give Your Advice To Anyone Planning To Fade

by minimus 32 Replies latest jw friends

  • Dagney

    Depends on our position in the hall. If an elder or servant, or high profile pub/family, the planned fade in steps might be best.

    If you are below the radar, I recommend the sudden stop. It takes them a while to figure out you are not there. When asked about why I didn't go, from family members and close friends, I just said I was taking a break, and it was between me and Jah. The only thing anyone said to me, a former close friend was "you know the longer you stay away the harder it is to come back."

    Life is short, and if you can do it, getting on with the life you wish to lead in the quickest manner possible is very important the older you get.

  • VIII

    Work obligations, especially with this economy, seem like they might work.

    I was lucky in that I went away to college. I was in school, working PT, studying and simply couldn't justify going to meetings to miss studying for class. I could always say I had a test the next day or a quiz in the morning. I was able to fade rather quickly that way.

    When I got back home, I started working and went back to school and took more classes. Plus, I was working overtime. My mom simply couldn't justify me not making money. I had student loans, an auto loan and rent (her) to pay, so she knew I needed cash. Work won out over the JWs.

  • minimus

    Very good advice!!

  • feenx

    Wow....everyone has had some great thoughts.

    My two biggest things that I think would've helped me more is to first make sure that you are beginning to establish a social life outside of JW's. Whether it's someone from work or school, or I've actually had great success in meeting new friends off Craigslist. I know some people have hangups with meeting new people off the net, but I wanted to expand my social circle and I met someone off there who recently moved from out of state and we both just wanted someone to catch a movie with or grab a beer. That was three years ago and I now consider this person family. So keep that in mind. But however one does it, it's vital to have social ties non related to anything with JW's.

    Second, prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Going in, if you realize you're going to have doubts about doing the wrong thing, knowing that you're gonna be scared in moments and in some case feel guilty, than it's a lot easier to deal with. It's like say eating spicy food. You know going in it might make you a little flush, some people can get heart burn, etc. etc. But you know that before you even put it in your mouth. Knowing you will have those thoughts make it a lot easier to not freak out and just simply say to yourself "This is natural, this is expected, this will pass, just take a deep breath." It really does make all the difference.

  • stillajwexelder

    do so slowly - still answer up at meetings and when giving answers make sure that you say how wonderful the organization is etc - give absolutely no hints on apostasy at all

  • Dagney

    Oh yeah, I forgot to add I was under a lot of stress with a very sick mother, so it was understood my obligation and physical health.

    So I agree with the poster that you should use all available current situations, money, economy, health...whatever. Also I would not be sucked into a convo about it, I just stated a few facts firmly and let be known it was not up for discussion.

  • daniel-p

    Your success at fading is proportional to your success at interacting with elders. Find a way to brush them off, but without giving the impression that you don't want to talk to them. The best way to do this is to tell them you need a break, and that you have been struggling with depression.

  • lifelong humanist
    lifelong humanist


    I DA'd myself as I thought that that was the most 'honest' approach to adopt. The consequences were of lesser importance to me - finding closure was the main accomplishment that my voluntary action achieved. As it happenned, the consequences weren't really too bad.

    I also (mistakenly) thought that my wife, who's still in, would act likewise - however, she didn't, which surprised me, but she's still fading at an alarming rate at present.

    From my experience, I can understand the pros and cons of acting decisively, or just slowly disappearing from those observing the activities of individual JWs that have become disenchanted with the cult.

    Each individual must think and act as their circumstances dictate and take a bit of a gamble on how things will pan out.

    Good luck in whatever choice you decide to take!

  • OnTheWayOut

    OPEN MIND: If you have any "privileges" consider hanging in there for even a brief time, (a few weeks?) in order to use your "safe & mature" status for seed planting purposes on those you care about the most.

    Once privileges are gone and you know the truth about the truth, even I can't imagine kissing enough butt to try getting them back.

    OM and I have never met because he is still fully immersed in meetings and JW stuff while not believing. When he finally gets out, we have to meet at a cafe or coffee shop somewhere here or there or inbetween. Anyway, we are great friends considering we never met, but we are totally opposite in some of our thinking. I resigned as an elder before I even started the fade.

    A few weeks is a short time, but hanging in there to help others? Nah. Free yourself and try to help your loved ones. Screw helping little old ladies and other elders and pioneers and your buddies. I mean, sure- if they will listen, say something. But planting seeds is for those you can actually help, your family. You need much exposure time to people to really get through to them and fading is about spending less time exposed to that crap. The best way to help your friends in the hall is to move toward the door and have them ask "Whazzup?"

    Once privileges are gone, it is an incredible burden off your own back and the personal freedom it gives is worth ten thousand times what "appreciation" the pioneers and elders will show you for planting seeds of doubt about WTS. Plus, it shows your loved ones, especially children, that you won't compromise your principles for your position.

    Stilla: do so slowly - still answer up at meetings and when giving answers make sure that you say how wonderful the organization is etc - give absolutely no hints on apostasy at all

    That works for some, but don't be afraid to be quicker about it. I say the first thing to go is those comments. Silence at the few meetings you do attend is part of fading in my opinion. Even when you are there, nobody notices you. If you keep commenting at the few meetings, they know when you are absent.

    Everyone is different and has different family dynamics. If you and a spouse, or just you, have nobody else in the religion and want to leave, just leave. If, like most of us, you have family in, you may not be able to leave peacefully without alerting them. Leave anyway, but a bit slower. Don't let something make you afraid to start fading. Afterward, you will say you should have done it sooner and quicker.

    I have a wife and a mother still in. Yet I resigned as an elder in August, stopped turning in field circus reports by Oct., and totally stopped attending meetings by the next Memorial. That may be lightning fast for some of you, but push on. Make some progress. It's for your personal freedom first.

  • freedomisntfree

    Dont lie then your no better then them ! just cut and run seriously why prolong the agony( dont repliy with all the reasons fading is less painfull I KNOW! theres one of these threads like evrey 3 days! this is just my opinion based on experince.Stop wasting another minute of your life

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