I've always liked your thoughts so I wanted to relate to some of these comments of yours and let you know that you are not alone.
Since I left, I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. I hate the fact that I was born into a cult. I find that since I left I have become a bit of a loner. I used to be around people all the time, and now, I hardly do anything social.
I hate it too. I wasn't born into the cult. I have had some depression over being duped into joining. It's different for me- I had unresolved issues that I pushed aside for "the truth." I didn't need answers if the end was coming. Now, the depression is mostly from letting the issues fester for two decades. I learned with my working to resolve the issues that I was always a loner. I was just faking it with an outgoing JW personality because it was expected of me. I revert back to the internet, television, movies, books. I try to spend more time on books- at least that's better than the others.
I think the world of you, even if I can't join you in worship for reasons of belief and conscience.
That sounds familiar. I don't consider everyone else out there as "duped." There was some value in their faith system. I just don't share it. I have read enough eastern philosophy (skipping the religious aspect of it) to accept that there is room for others' beliefs in my world. I don't have to be right and them wrong. We are on different roads, but all on the journey. While I doubt the existence of God, I am still on a spiritual journey, enjoying learning things WTS would forbid, enjoying the possibilities of whether there is karma, a force, destiny, morality, good and evil, etc.
Did you know that I have a trouble with opening up and baring my real thoughts and emotions to anyone, internet or otherwise, since I left?
It's taken me awhile to get there. I was faking it a bit when I started here, but I have learned to vent for my own sake. Still, I tend to be skeptical, distrusting before opening up to new people.
Did you know there are moments when I wish I could have my old life back, just because of the social aspect? The friends I made?
So many others are like that. That's again where we differ. I don't really think they ever were friends if their programming kicks in when I changed. I keep one JW friend who sees beyond that. It may not last. I will be okay. What helps, forcing an outgoing personality, I went to ex-JW meetups and made some new friends. Many are Christian or otherwise, most are like me in that they don't want religion in their life.
But I also think that those whom JW's call "weak" were the strong ones all along. Those that left without getting neck deep in the politics and power and propaganda.....
Also, the "weak" ones that are still in are actually closer to "normal." If they missed meetings for overtime or so the kids could get their homework done, that was more normal and sensible. But yes, their view made us look at things opposite of how we should have.
Even though I literally can't keep up emotionally with saying hi, or always offering words of encouragment,I always read what you're going through, and I always send my best wishes (my way of praying for everyone) It keeps me going.
I feel bad that I don't want to welcome all the newbies or give advice to many. Sometimes, I am so bitter that I don't want to scare them away. Still, I enjoy reading it.
You are not alone, Jeff. Various people feel similar in various ways. That's why we "congregate" here.