Maybe I should just bite the bullet and GO BACK ? (page 4)

SnakesInTheTower

Yeah I could never go back. And I figured you were just throwing crap on the wall to see what sticks.

If I went back, I would have to grovel before at least 2 elders to confess everything I have done since walking away.... that list is getting long but not long enough.... but includes voting in the election (non neutral actions) , being on an apostate web site (apostasy)....

Then go through their judgement of "do we DF him since he knows better as a former MTS elder...or do we just reproove him...or do we just ignore it...." I figure I would get DF, especially on apostasy charges....considering I had a hand in DFing someone (that is an occasional poster here) for apostasy....I was on their JC.... they would not overlook that irony (or hypocrisy in their eyes).

In any case, the elders would keep such an eye on me after that.... and I would have to jump through all the hoops...field service..at least national average.... commenting at meetings and giving number 2 (I mean number 1) readings... start making quick progress back to MS then elder....

no thanks, not interested in the hampster wheel.

I dont have many friends, in or out, but the ones I do have are pretty good, even if I dont get to spend much time with them. Better unconditional friends I see occasionally than judgmental JW "friends" I have to see 2 or 3 times a week.

Snakes ()

steve2

AK-Jeff you spent a long time in the organization so it's understandable that you feel your options are limited for moving on in your life. Change is difficult at the best of times and all the more so when it is the result of doubting beliefs that you once held to be true. You can always return to the fold and "pretend" - if that's what you think all life has in store for you. I notice that your recent profile has you wondering whether Christianity is for you and you've felt drawn to zen budhhism which has a lot of good things to say about developing the ability to live in the present moment (mindfulness). many Christian religions - as you'll know - have a very low tolerance of a mindfulness-based approach to life - but in terms of having sound mental-health, mindfulness - and not pretence - is the way to go. Also, many people swing between being drawn back to old, familiar ways and desiring to take greater responsibility for their lives - it's a pattern that can be observed in lots of human behaviour, especially in relationships.

AK - Jeff

Interesting comments. That was the point of the post.

A recent funeral made me think about this - though never with any serious intention of returning. I was wondering if the pain that gets inflicted on those of us who leave [through the shunning policy] might ever drive any to actually return. I know that no one could ever go back and believe. But perhaps some have gone back to alleviate the pain.

I do know of a couple people from this board who have done so actually.

Nope -never going back. Never going to consider it. Just in a funky 'I wonder what would happen if.......'? kind of mood.

Jeff

Quirky1

Whew!! You had me scared Jeff.

JWdaughter

Jeez, Jeff, you freaked me out!!! Don't mess with us like that, it isn't nice!!! My whole word was sliding into a deep vortex of confusion. Had Gregor or Blondie or Danny Hazzard said the same I would not have been more flummoxed!

Sigh. Getting back my composure.

Will now go have a strong cup of tea and meditate on good things.

BTW, mom is talking to me again. She just came out of the blue and asked to come and visit. She stayed over Saturday night, took home leftovers after Sun. breakfast and never said a thing about the last 6 months. Kind of surreal all around. Still trying to figure out what happened there.

ex-nj-jw

No

NO

nj

AK - Jeff

Will now go have a strong cup of tea and meditate on good things.

LOL. Me too!

I just love this board. So many wonderful people. Positive thoughts. Good intentions. Realistic thinking. Just love it.

JwDaughter - how good to hear about your mom. Strange things happen with the Jw mind at times, eh?

Jeff

AllTimeJeff

Jeff (I haven't read the other comments, this is all from my heart bro)

Part of the reason I did a total anhilation of the bridge back is that I knew there would be a part of me that when it got tough, I would consider going back. I so didn't want to do that. So I let them know how I felt, what I knew about the UN, there bullshit prophecies. I let my ex know that although I would always love her, I deserved better then how she treated me. I deserved better then her.

Rather then give myself the option, I had radical surgery on my soul. I ripped out my heart, looked at it, looked around that the KH, my soon to be ex wife, my old friends, I took it in one more time, and I left. One way or the other, I was going to be sad, but I wasn't going to be sad on their terms.

I have cried so much, especially at first. I even romanticized that my 1st marriage was ok. That I could have done a fade, that I could have lived a lie. But if I was going down, if that was really my lot in life, then it would damn well be on my fucking terms. Screw them. They weren't going to dictate to me. I wasn't going to go back and be the poster boy for how bad it is out in the world, and how only happiness can be found if you go back. Fuck them!

Truthfully, there is no good way out of this damn cult, and it really is one of the hardest things to accept.

I would totally disagree with you on one thing. You may not have any friends right now, and that sucks. Lonliness sucks. But it is only in our solitude that we can see ourselves if we choose to do so. Is it because you have no friends? Is the task so daunting that you can't find new ones?

Friends won't come to you bro. I know the saying is trite, but its true "To have a friend, be a friend".

But that's just it. You've gotta own the past bro, so that you can own your future. Because I absofuckinlutely promise you bro, you have a great future. We all do.

But if we allow our past to own us, if we don't take charge, then there is no future.

Jeff, I decided when I read this to respond totally from my heart. It really isn't my place in one sense to write what I just did. It's your life. (it really is your life) But I hope that you will look a little better on yourself, and your future. You are very valuable. It will take some work, and the happiness fairy won't come and slap you over the head and say "Here it is!" (trust me, I was waiting for a while, turns out he was just a non descript fairy... ) But it will come. Be prepared to work it out bro. I am sending my best thoughts your way, and I sincerely hope you feel better!

out4good3

Never going back. I'm much too haughty and proud!!!!

shamus100

No freaking way. I'd rather be dead than live like a dub for the rest of my life - that includes 'forever'.

Maybe I should just bite the bullet and GO BACK ?

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