therapist says affairs can help some/my marriage....really...

by oompa 51 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Odrade

  oompa, people who cheat do not respect themselves. It has little to do with your wife, your marriage or how much your wife puts out or nags about "reaching out." A therapist who tells you to cheat is an idiot. If you respected yourself, if you thought you deserved to have a good life and a spouse who loved you more than her church memes, there would be no question of cheating, only the question of how do you change OR leave your present situation. If you don't respect yourself enough to be with a woman who treats you with respect, how on earth do you think you'll be able to pick a mistress who respects you?

  If you don't respect yourself, at least behave as though you respect yourself. Do the right thing, either respect your family and your promises, or tell her you are through, and get out. Don't two-time your own promises.
• 

  Mrs. Fiorini

  Oompa,

  I don't like butting in to other people's marital situations, but I would definitely get a second opinion before doing something that drastic. I have never heard of a therapist suggesting anything like that to a client before. This would involve deceit and betrayal and I can't believe any good therapist would suggest that such behavior would be helpful or even not harmful in a relationship. Furthermore, how could you guarantee she would not find out? This seems to me like a very risky and dangerous thing to do.

  Purps shared the experience of one therapist having an affair with his/her client. If that was known, the therapist could lose their license for it, as it is highly unethical and considered an abuse of the therapist/client relationship. Don't just trust this therapist without questioning. Most are professional, but some are not.

  Good luck.
• 

  oompa

  Thanks all....and for those who think i am scum you should know that i have never even thought of finding someone so i could have an affair. But my marriage is weird and strained and the jw part still effects every part of my life and marriage. I know first hand the pain of an unfaithful mate, and i know the pain of divorce. It does seem that the vast majority of people i know that have divorced......did so because of a relationship with another person, be it brief or longterm, and that is also usually the way they escape all things jw. My therapist is happily married.
• 

  Finally-Free

  I think it's rare for someone to never have second thoughts about their marriage, consider getting out of it, or even having an affair. If you choose to get out of your marriage or have an affair, don't do it because someone else, even a therapist advised you to. Personally, I think you'll respect yourself more if you don't have an affair as long as you're with your wife. Try to refrain from hurting someone you love, or once loved.

  W
• 

  Lady Lee

  I did it once. Perhaps that doesn't qualify as an affair. Just one afternoon. I did it for the express purpose of getting out of the marriage and making him free to remarry if he chose to. I didn't want to carry his sin if he committed adultery if I just left.

  It hurt him. At that point I didn't really care. But it most definitely hurt my daughters. It has taken years to regain the trust.

  Most importantly it damaged me. I lost respect for myself. How could I actually do the thing I hated. I thought I was a horrible person before doing it but after just magnified everything. It took years to reconcile that within myself. I suppose if I had repeated it while married the guilt may have disappeared. But the inner shame would have stayed.

  And if you think there are walls between the two of you now they willonly get worse if you add this into the fray. And this is something you can't can't take back.

  Personally and professionally I think your therapist needs a therapist. While there might be a few cases where affairs help the marriage they are so NOT the norm it isn't funny.
• 

  watson

  Selfishness doesn't necessarily make someone "scum." But if you let it....
• 

  jamiebowers

  Oompa, I don't think you're scum, but I do think you're troubled by an unfulfilling marriage. Please sit down and talk to your wife. Make it clear to her that you are no longer a jw and refuse to act as one. Then explain to her the expectations you have of your marriage and ask for her's. If both of your expectations cannot be reached or compromised on, get a divorce.
• 

  undercover

  Please sit down and talk to your wife. Make it clear to her that you are no longer a jw and refuse to act as one. Then explain to her the expectations you have of your marriage and ask for her's. If both of your expectations cannot be reached or compromised on, get a divorce.

  That's what a counselor should tell you...not to go out and have an affair...

  I have to wonder about this counselor...to give the okay for an affair doesn't sound right.
• 

  Gregor

  "You who are without sin, cast the first stone."

  Don't and say you did, or, do and say you didn't.
• 

  shamus100

  Go buy a corvette or a trans-am already.

  I tend to agree with most here - go get another therapist. Good for you for seeing one! I think everyone leaving this cult needs to see someone. Internet advice doesn't quite cut face to face meetings.