Help

purplesofa

Hi Purps

I have been reading the forum for a few months now and was hoping the registration would be open before things came to a head in our life re JW. Well today it has. My husband, 18 yr old son and I have been fading for 3 years (husband was elder until few years ago - cong secretary). Recently my family (all my immediate family are JW and husbands mother and brother are - his brother is in writing dept in Brooklyn) started to realize that maybe we are really out and a confrontation with dad has happened twice in past couple of months each time more serious - 2nd time he says the family are going to make a decision re shunning us. At that visit (basically in the capacity of elder as well as dad) he handed me a letter from my brother saying no more contact.

Anyway today he wants a decision (tonite my time 7pm east coast of Australia) as to whether we are going to go back. It is really harrowing as we have always been quite close and at one stage during the discussion I could almost feel myself being swayed because of the family thing. He knows we have looked at 'apostate literature' and do not agree with a lot of things. (I wish I had read more on the forum about fading before we said anything). Either way he wants a JC to handle it. If we don't go back then that is it re family. There is no point in trying to reason with him - he says he is an above average elder! - you get nowhere just more frazzled.

This is really hurting me but I know we have to be true to ourselves even at this cost.

What I am asking for is any tips or advice on what I might say and how to handle the discussion - I imagine it will be very short. Also what if he rings our old cong and tries to get a JC re us. I know this is short notice and I only have a few hours to get it together which is hard when there is so much emotion involved in the decision but I was wondering if you or any others on the forum might have any good advice for me.

The other thing is, we care for my mum in law (living with us) who is in the dark as to all of this - she just knows we don't go anymore. Dad is now saying that they also have to think about her and the danger of her living in an apostate household!

Thanks for just even letting me send you this email. I would appreciate any help at all.

hopscotch (my forum name if it opens for new regos)

ps by the way I was also born october 59

crazyblondeb

We have all read the threads where the elder's where threatened with personal litigation. I just don't

remember whose threads. Maybe post this at a couple of the boards.....

I'd mention, who does this elder think he is?? Giving such a deadline?? What an ass!!

OnTheWayOut

For Purps' friend:

http://www.docbob.org/modules.php?name=Content&pa=list_pages_categories&cid=5

That's a link to follow to Doc Bob's letter #2, to his body of elders.
It's not exactly the answer you are looking for, but give it some thoughts.
You can tailor it to your needs something like this:

Dear [family member's name]

None of what follows in this letter is meant to cause you any personal grief.
Despite all this that must be said, I love you as a brother very much.

I know that friendship and kinships ends up taking second place to organizational concerns in
situations such as this. Since you are dealing with me as an elder appointed by the Watchtower
Bible and Tract Society of New York, Incorporated, and since I think there is good reason to
believe that you will be consulting and/or reporting to the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society
of New York, Incorporated, I feel I must respond to you as an agent of that corporation rather
than as I would like to - as a brother and a friend.

I have decided that I will not formally disassociate myself from the Congregation or from Jehovah’s
Witnesses in general. I came to this decision for several reasons. First, there is nothing I see in the
Bible that calls for a formal letter of disassociation in my situation, or any other. It seems to me that
the provision of formal disassociation is a matter of convenience for the legal department of the
Watchtower Society rather than serving any real religious purpose. It allows people to be
pigeon-holed into nice neat little categories rather than dealing with the real issues involved. Also, I
have no problem with the Congregation or its members.

Since you demand me to appear before a judicial committee to face charges of apostacy,
there are a few things that I must ask for and which I feel must be clarified before I will
even consider meeting with a judicial committee. ..... (Take the things in that letter.)

Further, any communication with you toward family and friends will be considered a breach of
confidentiality and a violation of my civil rights (see #24 in Doc Bob's letter).

purplesofa

thanks, she is reading the board right now

and some links I sent her.

purps

cameo-d

*nevermind*

flipper

First of all - if this elder has to tell you he's an " above average elder " he's not. He's an insecure elder who pontificates about his own greatness. There isn't a JW elder who an accurate pin won't puncture when pressure is applied properly. I know how important your family is. Most of my family has been in it for years as well. I took a stand when I was unjustly accused over 2 years ago . No proof of what they charged me with - so I refused to meet with them. After about 6 months when I didn't show up to the initial JC meeting - they drove 80 miles to tell me I was disfellowshipped on superficial grounds . I appealed the decision - took my 23 yr.old son as an eyewitness with me to the appeal JC meeting ( you can do that- it's in the elders manual ) and he stood up on my behalf.

Also I not only sent a letter of appeal, but a preformed letter you can get on the board saying I'd sue for slander if disfellowshipped on false grounds and they read the announcement. Why did I do this ? Because I wasn't going to let a man made organization tell me I could talk or not with my 83 and 81 yr.old witness parents. Stand up for your rights in a dignified manner - this totally throws the elders for a loop. Deny everything . Just say you have " doubts " and you have been " depressed " and need time to be alone and reflect. Do NOT say you , " Don't believe the faithful and discreet slave is not Jehovah's organization. " They will try to trick you into saying this. Don't. Just say you are depressed and have doubts. Say your doubts are personal- and you'd rather not discuss it. They can't pin you for what you don't say. If you give them a letter threatening lawsuit and show you are serious and for real - they will call Bethel . Bethel legal will usually say , " Don't mess with it. " They don't want bad publicity and legal issues. They have had enough with the child abuse lawsuits. So the society will probably overturn your DFing. They did in my case . You have to mean what you say, and say what you mean. The elders think you are going to hang there with heads down, sullen faces, and prostrate yourself before them. Don't. They are just men like you and me. Be respectful, but serious about your intentions.

Let me know how it goes. This worked for me . They overturned my dfing decision and didn't mess with me again. Hope this gives your friend something to think about Purps

purplesofa

I have her permission to post it, and she is reading the board right now and any responses to this thread.

She has only a few hours to get together what she has to do tonight, her tonight, she is in australia.

purps

Homerovah the Almighty

Sorry for your troubles

What a sick religion to do this to a family.

And what would happen if you simply said that your family has stopped believing in it and it wouldn't be good for you

and your family or anyone else at the hall.

Stating what you feel out of honesty and personal integrity , if your family would be so cruel to immediately shut the door

on you for being honest, in my opinion what you should do is show them the door.

AN "US AGAINST THEM" ATTITUDE AND PHILOSOPHY: Anyone who challenges the cult's doctrine is automatically branded as an enemy which is usually anyone who disagrees

troubled mind

I would kindly remind him how NORMAL , family relations are maintained .Maybe explain what boundries are such as:

# 1) You and your husband are in charge and control of your household ...period . No explainations need be given to outside family members.

#2) Members outside the household need to mind their own business

#3) You have the right to set boundries and to expect them to be honored .

#4) In no way do you need to succomb to his ultimatums .Completely ignore his request ! What he chooses to do with the lack of response on your part is his problem .

#5) Is he ready to take in the elderly mother in law and treat her as his own financially and medically ?? If not refer to #2

Keep your conversations with active members about family matters and the weather . When they pressure you to explain your lack of meeting attendance only repeat to them that you will not discuss these personal issues with them . Keep repeating until they get it .

If they choose to shun you that is their choice you can't change that ,only how you react to them .

I would tell them how hurt you are that they would choose to turn their backs on you and not respect your wishes . Let them know you love them and remind them the confrontation is coming from them not you .

Good luck .

My husbands whole family is still JWs and without saying anything to us they have chosen to just not talk to us except once a year to make sure we are still alive . My brother and sister are witnesses that are very dysfunctional and only contact me when they need something .

Homerovah the Almighty

she told them " UP YOURS GOD BOY "

Help

Share this