Dear All, thank you for your warm welcome! This is my story in short (pls excuse wrong spellings, English is not my native tongue and that it still became quite long).
I'm 34 and was born into the truth by parents who in their turn were baptist in young age. I have one older sister who is currently serving at Bethel with her husband and a younger brother who never embraced the truth (which was my big sorrow for many years). My parents has been inactive now since more than 10 yrs. My father, as elder and presiding overseer, saw and experienced A LOT of evilness and injustices and just couldn't stand it anymore. Shouldn't you find love in Gods organisation? (well, his story is another long story but im sure you can understand what it was all about). Of course this was my and my sisters greatest sorrow in life that they were no longer in the truth,(however, they have avoided getting d-shipped in order to be able to see us) and everyone felt pity for us that they were now to be killed at Jehovahs great day and not be with us in paradise. Never could I've imagine that I'd come to realise that they were the ones including my brother who were right and hence more intelligent then me all the time.
Anyway, I've been an exemplary (extreme) sister all my life, I never allowed myself to have fun and was very careful not to do anything wrong, in all areas. I became a regular pioneer at 16, right after school (even though I could not explain a lot of the teachings and didn't find it especially fun to preach, but I exherted myself and made a lot of sacrifices in order to please Jehovah). I had to stop pioneering after 4 yrs though since my hips and legs were worn out. My father had to force me to stop since I had too bad concience to give it up myself. The service identified me since I had denied any other interest or desires all the time. I love music, singing and dancing and would probably have pursued such carreer, I can griev that now. As most witnesses who are grown up in the truth, I got married quite young at age 22, since you're not allowed to show or express any desires of love, closeness or sex otherwise. I fell in love with my husband the minute I saw him at a convention and we go married after one year. If I'm honest to myself, it was never a happy marriage even though we've experienced many good times and I can honestly say I loved him. Our sex life was a disaster and it turned out he had many physical and psycological problems. He never had a job and I've been working full time supporting him for 12 yrs. He's been inactive more than half our marriage while I've been doing basically everything myself. The congr praised me for being so loyal. He isolated himself and had noone except me. We lived a very un-normal life as you can see. But as all JW you struggle on to do Gods will. "Jehovah hates divorce" and "the one that endures to the end will be saved". I more or less accepted to be so miserable. The thoughts of doubt has been growing since approx one year. I said to myself that I must be doing something very wrong since Jehovah did not answer any of my prayers I'd been praying for almost my whole marriage. (and I was doing wrong, I was fantasing about other men, since our sex life was unexisting and I was masturbating. I was at least a bit balanced since I told myself that God could not possibly judge me for that since he had created me with these desires. Then I started to think more and more about the fact that I've had bad conscience all my life and that most witnsesses I've ever known are unhappy and depressed. Shouldn't we, according to the bible, be a happy people? I explained that with that we are Satans target. Also the fact that I prefered to be with my work colleagues, all wonderful and kind people, more than the friends at kh, told me something was wrong. Why did I have such a good time with these "dangerous" people, whom you shouldn't talk or be with unless to preach. I also said to myself how can i teach people to behave in a way that I can never live up to myself? These thoughts started to grow more and more, but not without much guilt and pain. I was convinced Satan had now taken a hold of me and I was now going to die at Harmageddon. How sad it is indeed.
In short, I've now decided to leave the org (will try not to be d-shipped in order to be able to see my sister) as well as my husband and have currently moved home to my parents. Who are a great support and comfort to me now. I've read R. Franz book and come to realise so many things. I've been fooled my whole life so far. I'm even sure now that the org belongs to false religion. The GB are no better than the pharisees putting so many burdens on people. Controlling it's members every step even into their bed rooms. I'm amazed how so many people can swallow all this bullshit year after year. (I think that if you're looking up the word brainwashing in a dictionary it will say "JWs) . I also think that the rules of d-shipping is the one of the biggest proof of false hood. It is just another way of strict and evil control. Well, you know all this and so much more of the facts.
I've never felt more happy and free as now and are even in love again but will take it very slow. I'm still young and hope I've many happy years in front of me.
There are of course much more to say but I'm sure you've got the sense of it. I'll continue to write more I'm sure many times. I'd be grateful for your comments and thoughts to the above.
I'm so glad and appreciative of that you're here and I love reading your messages and stories also.
Talk to you soon!
/Newborn