I am So Angry (page 4)

GoddessRachel

Wha Happened, I'm here! Thank you, friend! I have been rereading the posts from last night before I went to bed and carefully reading each of the posts I had yet to see. I am so grateful to you all. I don't know what else to say, except that I will keep pressing on, and I will seek help, and again, THANK YOU. So many of your words touched me: I know you understand my "plight," and I know I'm not alone.

Dan the Man, brother, please read this thread, and these many posts, because it's for you too. Please don't give up. As Dawg and Clint Eastwood say, don't give the bastards the satisfaction.

Poppers, this line is beautiful: "you are not the stories you tell yourself" - and such a good reminder.

I wish I could name each one of you and thank you specifically, but there is so much that it would take me the rest of the day and I would surely still leave someone out - human error, not ungratefulness. Just know that I read each word like it was a much awaited letter from a beloved intimate friend, and that I am overwhelmed by how amazing people are - strangers most of you! And yet you embrace me.

Free2Think - love you too - thank you, sweetie!

Thank you for the PM's too. I have some writing to do to you folks. You are wonderful. I feel like this board has saved my life many times over. What would we do without the internet? I have no idea! I'm glad to have my trusty internet; when I feel like I can't reach out to my family or friends, I have online family and friends.

Like a deer sweet soul who PM'd me said: "Tomorrow might be the day!" So I guess I'd better stick around to find out, huh!

A walk up the big hill in the sunshine sounds like just what I could use right about now, Hortensia. Great idea. And Poppers, and JoannaDandy, I always think that kind of thing sounds cheesey, but what I hope is that everyone gives these things a try, to just focus on breathing and to tune into your surroundings. This is why we have this world in which we live. Nature is therapy too. I just hope that people who think it sounds silly get past that prejudice and do it. It's thrilling how good it makes you feel.

PEACE TO EVERYONE, WHO ARE ALL SO VALUABLE,

Rachel

Hortensia

I'm glad you feel better today!

OUTLAW

Dawg..The movie was "Hamburger Hill"............................GodessRachel..People who are very angry,usually don`t have enough Tequila in the freezer..Or..Have never learned how to do the Hula....................... Laughing Mutley ...OUTLAW

BabaYaga

Goddess Rachel's quote:

"Just know that I read each word like it was a much awaited letter from a beloved intimate friend, and that I am overwhelmed by how amazing people are - strangers most of you! And yet you embrace me."

This literally brimmed my eyes with tears. How right you are, and how blessed we are to have each other, aye?

And I agree... Poppers... that post was spot-on, in-depth, and WONDERFUL.

Dan tha Man... I hope you got your PM.

Love,
Baba.

Sparkplug

This smile and bit of peace looks better on you. I bet it feels refreshing at that.

GoddessRachel

I PROMISE I am not bringing this thread back because of me. I AM GREAT, I AM FINE!

I just re-read the whole thread, and the advice, the words, the wonderful things that people wrote, I just think we all can benefit greatly from the responses on this thread.

If you read just one lovely response from one poster (besides me, I was the angry one!) you will be glad you did, I think. Off the top of my head, read Hortensia, read JoannaDandy, Poppers, Sparkplug, but really read them all! You will be so glad you did!

PEACE,

Rachel

boyzone

Thanks for that Rachel and for starting this thread. I've had a couple of rotten days too but was trying to cope on my own. The anxiety was beginning to overwhelm me and I've been having difficulty catching my breath and swallowing the lump in my throat. There always seems to be a tightness round my chest too, and I've found myself close to tears for no real reason other than the pain of having to face another day of JW shunning.

My usual consolation I've found in food didn't help this time and I was back on the bulimic roundabout. Stuffing my face looking for solace, only to find I wasn't comforted and then getting rid of the excess to get back in control again.

Suicidal thoughts have plagued me these last few days too. The thought of just putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger seems a very attractive idea at times. Not that I want to die, I really don't, I know i have much to live for. I just want to stop it hurting.

So I read this thread and the advice people have offered you and I'd like to add my thanks to everyone too.

I followed Hortensia's advice and decided to get busy. The tasks I'd been avoiding dealing with, I dealt with. The people I needed to consult, I consulted. The jobs that needed doing got done. Its been a busy day and I feel better for it.

Not only am I now physically tired but also better organized which is helping me relax.

Thanks to all you guys for this great thread. Tomorrow I'm gonna try poppers advice to stop the swirl of thoughts that go round and round in my head, thoughts that regularly drag me down into the pit. Yes perhaps its time to start enjoying the here and now for once.

BZ xxx

journey-on

I am so glad you are in a better place 10 months later. I loved Poppers response. The more I live, the more I think just being present and riding the waves is the way to go. Life is hills and valleys, so just enjoy the ride!! What goes down must come up (and vise versa).

boyzone

Yeah too true Journey-on. I'm really pleased rachel brought this thread up again, its helped to know I'm not the only one who felt this way. Sometimes I look around at the people in my life and think just how upset they would be if they really knew how I was feeling or what I was thinking.

Thats why I tend to keep quiet and put a smile on. I can't joke or banter, when I feel like this, I'm not that good an actress, but I get by and most of the men in my life aren't that perceptive to notice my heavy heartedness. I think they don't understand anyway and just expect me to "get over it" whatever "it" is.

So thats what I do, I get over it, at least for a while. Then it gets overwhelming again and the valleys get a little deeper every time.

Sometimes I think I should just go back, I know its all false, but you just get so tired of the battle, you get me? So tired of being looked at as if you're dirt, of dear friends who deliberately come into my work and pretend I'm a total stranger to them. Of JW's who I've known and loved for years, turning and walking away if they see me in the street. To know that my dad, my caring, laughing, whistling, joking dad thinks that its right for his daughter to be treated this way and will defend JW's to the hilt and get furiously angry if his defense is shown to be flawed.

I'm just really tired, physically, psycologically and emotionally. Its too heavy, this burden. Too much.

GoddessRachel

Boyzone, I am so glad this thread is helping you! Most important is to know you are absolutely not alone in your strugge!

I took up daily walking almost a year ago (probably about 10 months ago, actually). I also took up yoga, which focuses a lot on the here and now, and breathing and just observing, while also strengthening and toning your body! (In your bare feet and without a bra if you want! It is fabulous!)

I highly recommend daily activity. You do not have to be a marathon runner. You do not have to be a super exerciser. I aim for an hour of activity each day which is a combination of yoga and walking. A few days a week I end up doing more like an hour and a half, just because it is cyclical: the more you do it the more you love it the more you benefit the more you do it - and so on. I am telling you: my daily walks (with my doggie) and my yoga are one of my favorite times of my day! I never thought I would feel that way, but I do! (The fact that I have also lost inches and can wear my cute skinny clothes again is sure motivating too, but more than that I genuinely enjoy the movement; it is the best anti-depressant ever!)

Above all else, nobody taught me how important our breath is. Yoga breathing is about long deep breaths in and out through the nose, in equal to out. The fastest way to center myself and remind myself of all that is beautiful in life is to go out on the back deck, and take some deep "yoga" breaths.

I highly highly highly highly recommend this to everyone. Try it. Try it before you knock it. I am telling you it is wondrous.

BZ, you can do this! We can all be happy and fulfilled!

How long have you been out? I am 3 years out and finally finding my footing in life. It has been a struggle, many times a constant one. Take heart, time does heal, there IS life after the JWs and it is better than anything you have ever known!

The Here and Now is all we have, everybody. The Here is now is all we have.

x,

Rachel

P.S. journey-on, thank you for your lovely post. Poppers is so wise. I hope to meet Poppers in person some day. His responses are always spot on.

I am So Angry

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