Please help a lurker... too scared to post

by Awakened at Gilead 50 Replies latest members private

SPAZnik

Hi.
mouthy

HI lurker welcome aboard even if it is through our friend AG
I am the Granny on board 81 yrs old, I was kicked out because I couldnt believe Jesus came invisably in 1914,I too, was desperate feeling like I am sure Judas felt. But NOW!! ( ousted in 1987)I am SO greatful to the elders that did that to me. I feel like sending a THANK YOU card to them...
Just try to remember dont throw the baby out with the bathwater (it is the water of the WT that is dirty not the baby)
Try to pray to the GOD WHO CREATED ALL,in MY opinion you cant miss
jgnat

Here's the part I find most true about yourself:
doubts always lurked in my mind growing up...the 'faithful slave', 1914, so many things always put doubts in my head but dismissed them by reading more magazines!!!
Reading more magazines didn't work for you did it? I think you are the type of person who, more than anything, must live true to herself. Your life, your passions and dreams, must make sense. You could say that you are like the Bereans of the bible, who finally had to test things out for herself to see if they were true. You found out they are not.
I also see in you the "good girl". You've been that for a very, very long time. It's only natural that you wanted to please your mother and your congregation. You managed to keep it going for a very long time. But that essential core of your nature, that I just described, kept asserting itself.
Bravo, girl. You are strong. You are smart. You live true to your own personal values.
The sense of chaos and uncertainty that you are feeling now is temporary. It comes from having your entire belief system shaken up. You know what you don't believe. What takes longer, and be kind to yourself, is to find out what you do believe in.
I won't tell you what that is. Self-discovery is a very personal journey. Because of your strength and intelligence, I have full confidence that you will find it.
lostsheep82

Wow!!!!!
Thank you ALL for your posts. I feel part of something again....LOL. I'm going to jump around a bit to try to sum up my 'life', and I'm going to remain annonymous, since I'd hate for anyone I know to ever come accross any of this...but I'm going to vent, talk, and hopefully make some friends.
There is so much more to my story, and yes, I was always the good girl. After I got married and DF'd, that is when I hit the drugs, sex, smoking...the usual. Only 6 months of that tho, and that's when I 'came back' and got reinstated. Since I've left again (03), I party the odd bit, (who doesnt) but I live a very good life, clean life. Except.....I'm also Gay! I think that's the hardest thing for my mom...she is so ashamed of me, my last conversation with her I just left it bawling as I'm just discusting and displeasing to Jehovah. Except, I'M NOT! I'm not discusting or an abomination. I'm the most loving, caring person, who would give ANYTHING for anyone. I once stoped at a stop light to give a homeless guy 10 bucks(all I had on me) and my McDonalds meal sitting in my car(untouched). Tell me that is an abominational person(is that a word?) In fact, I have the most loving relationship I could ever have and I've found True Love! I'm not a bad person, I still send my mom money(they are very poor) and told her I will NOT stop helping her out just because she is not 'allowed' to talk to me... so a little more to my story, after I left in '03, I moved to a small town...and met a girl. I fell in love. Growing up being straight was the only option hence why I married so young, hence why things didn't work out.....so that is another struggle of mine, not only leaving the 'truth', but doubts of weather God loves me....I've read a really good article by a man, explaining the deeper meanings to the scriptures that condem homosexuality, and somewhere it made me feel better, but I still sit here and go....God doesn't love me. I'm sorry....one thing God didnt love was the way I felt when I was with a guy. He couldn't have. God can't be okay with someone being forced to be straight, or something they are not. I don't get the finer things in life anymore the way I use to.
I use to think I had all the answers and could defeat or conqour ANY biblical conversation, and that was all I knew. Now I live a nice normal life, but will never have my dear mom in my life, and now we have little to talk about....its so sad since she is my everything. My mom struggled her whole life, found the truth when she was 18 and pregnant with me....left my dad for the truth, but he was heavy into drugs so that was for the good, so she married a "witness" man. In case you all didn't know....ALL the righteous and good men are at the Kingdom Hall. Those men don't beat their children and get away with it???? NEVER!!! Anyways my poor mom went to the elders, but well there wern't 2 witnesses, and we all know the rest.......
After years of that, by age 10 it was onto my third father. Another BEAUTIFUL BROTHER!!! This man was such a cook and a pervert(he never actuall dared to do anything, just looked in my window at night) ****creeeepppy****. Again sheparding call after sheparding call, the elders just said to wait on Jehovah and hang in there.....After I left in 03 I had to CONVINCE my mom to leave him and in order for her to do so she got all the flack in the world, got drunk one night and slept with a worldly guy. That was her only way to get a scriptural divorce....so sad. She was repentant and was only privately reproved. And well deserved...cause if anyone knew my mom she is just so humble and precious and just wants to be happy. Anyways, she remarried a brother who is actually really sweet. He was a brother in our hall growing up, more of a dad to me than anyone, but he's one of the 'anointed'. I don't get it, but I never will> I beleive that people do have the heavenly hope, just not ONLY JW's.
So my getting married was more to be stable have a stable life, and to be there for my mom...You know have a basement suite for her so she can pioneer!!! I just couldn't live a lie and knew it wasnt fair to keep him there, and that is why I slept with someone so we could both move on with our lives....I did tell him countless times, but was very fearful of men and had no balls to truly stand up for myself....I cried during my vows, he just lifted my head and said literally " dont do this to me". I kept looking for a way to run, but knew the rumors and gossip that would follow so I didn't want to walk out....
I sometimes feel like I've failed in everything as I hear from my mom how all the 'brothers and sisters' from our old hall miss me and send their love....but they didn't have love when they participated in the rumors and gossip about me.... I guess now I'm just looking for SOMETHING. Something to ease my mind about the pain I'm causing my mom. Something to ease my mind about me NOT being so discusting and detestable. I'm actually kinda cute! LOL. Needed some humor.
I would love to PM with anyone that would like to. I will leave it to you to PM me first, and I will say that I'm NOT into talking to ones who have nothing nice to say. I don't want to hear JW bashing, I only like facts. I prefer to talk with ones who were actually in the religion, and who were MS, Elders, pioneers or others like me who had(have) a love for the truth. I say Had(have) cause I'm still just finding things out. So much of me still thinks it is the truth but the other half is discusted.....I feel like I'm hurting Jehovah or God with posting on here, but I need to vent. My poor girlfriend thinks I'm so confused. I left her a year and a half ago for the 'truth' to make another go of it, literally packed my bags and WALKED OUT! I kept saying to myself, "I'm getting out of Babylon" "I'm running away from Sodom and Gomorah and I CANT turn back". I tried to keep strong for 2 weeks I was at my moms and was almost ready to meet with the elders but I just couldnt. Morally what I did to my GF tore me apart. How can you just walk away from someone something so perfect. I felt I needed to reason with her and explain my beleifs.....so I came back to her (luckily she took me back) and tried to explain things about the 'truth'. We started reading the bible KJ version cause she didnt want the NWT. I went to my moms this past April for a visit and to go to the circut assembly.
She was hounding me to come back, and move there(she lives in a different town)....and they said the elders wanted to talk to me. I said NO that I didn't want to meet with them and she assured me that they just wanted to encourage me. I hesitated but thought maybe I'll talk to them. It wasnt a judicial commitee so I thought no harm. I went to the assembly to hopefully gain strength to come back....but I met with them, they were so kind and nice and read me scriptures...see up untill May, I wanted nothing more then to bring my GF into the truth, as well her sister is studying....so I just wanted her to have 'everlasting life'. I tried and tried to talk to her, but what happened was when I was at the assembly, the elders then said they wanted to talk to me after the Sunday program. I said to my mom NO i just wanted to go home. I sat with them and my mom and step dad and they said for me to make the right decision and come back, and when I get back to my town to call the elders. I told my mom i wasn't going to cause i wasnt ready to come back... i really wanted my GF to know the truth and i wasnt going to give up....anyways I came home and it was hell for 3 weeks. there was soooo much pressure she called me everyday and I tried so hard to muster up the courage to break up with my GF. One day I almost did......I almost lost my job from locking myself in my office crying...except my boss is a God fearing man you could say and understands the religious stuff I'm going through. I almost broke up wtih her, but just couldn't. I"M GAY. I cant justify comming back into the 'truth' and having bad feelings in my heart, or marrying another brother and be unhappy.... so that Tuesday I said to my mom they had to DF me. Needless to say 2 weeks time limit to change my ways has been 2 months. The elders in my moms hall haven't contacted these elders so I don't know what's going on, but I'm not DF'd yet. Even if I do, I will still help my mom and send them money cause I can still do things on my end despite her choices or loyalties. The bible does say to honor your father and mother, and I will honor my mom till the day she passes. She is too precious for me to ever ignore.
Now that you have the 'just' of my life, I look forward to hearing from you all, and thank you for welcoming me aboard. Again I want to be clear that I will not PM anyone who is not genuine. A@G, Thanks:)
Quirky1

Welcome Lost sheep!
You are now a poster child!
Babylon the Great Employee

First, salvation comes from God, not the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. I don't think it matters what you call God, whether it be Jehovah, Jesus, Allah, whatever. No one can claim to know exactly what God wants, and what God expects of us. All we have (as Christians) is the Bible, written two thousand years ago by men of another language and culture, and multitudes of translations and interpretations of those scriptures. Is there one "truth"? I don't think so. Truth is often subjective, not a right-or-wrong dichotomy. The mistake people make is first assuming there is one absolute truth, and then assuming they know what it is. Consider the idea of being a "witness" for God in the first place. As any trial lawyer will tell you, two eye-witnesses to the same events will always have two different perspectives. The real "truth" is subject to interpretation, and you have to find the interpretation you're comfortable with, if you want religion to be part of your life. 
Second, I know a lot of gay men and women have a difficult time reconciling religion with their sexual orientation. Don't let the teachings of mankind's religions keep you from God, if you wish to seek a relationship with God. God loves all of us, sinners and saints, and there are very few saints. I don't think being gay and being a Christian are mutually exclusive. Being gay isn't a choice you make. Someday we'll find for certain that there are genetic markers for homosexuality, and that it is biology that makes us gay or straight. Just as having blue eyes instead of brown is part of who we are, so is sexual orientation. You need to be true to yourself, and who you are, and let go of the judgments of others. That is the first big step in recovering from the JW mind control: let go of the judgments. Make your own choices, and regardless of whether those choices turn out good or bad, own them and be proud of them. 
And finally, if you do join another religion, or find another path, don't take it so "seriously." The JW's are a brainwashing cult, but all religions have aspects of good and bad. Find the best fit for you, and above all, don't let your religion dictate who you are. Religion should make you feel good, give you strength and support, not break you down or force you to do things you don't believe is right. And you don't have to believe everything a religion says. If that religion requires you to do so (like JW), then run, don't walk, in the other direction. 
Personally, I am now Catholic. There are multitudes of problems with the Catholic Church, its doctrine, its people, and its pope. And just like JW's, if you buy into the garbage, you can find yourself just as brainwashed. But I didn't become Catholic because I expected to do everything the church says, and should the church ever come out and say I have to, that's when I leave. (For instance, if they try to force me to vote Republican just because Republicans say they're "pro-life," such as a priest who refused to give a lawyer communion because he came out and supported Obama, I would leave.) But when I joined the church, I was told that to be Catholic you have to believe the core doctrine, which essentially is laid out in the apostles creed. Everything else is superfluous. I enjoy going to mass, I like the people at the church, and when I don't feel like going, I don't go. No one comes to my house asking where I was, no one berates me because of the choices I make. I am my own person, and I go to church because I enjoy it, not because I feel obligated to do so, out of fear or guilt or otherwise. I will raise my children with same mindset. 
I wish you luck in your journey forward. You feel frightened now, because you are in unfamiliar territory. We've all been there. You aren't used to having choices, making decisions for yourself, and being able to determine what's right and wrong for you. Even though your mom is still a JW, it seems like she sympathizes with your struggles, because she herself has struggled within the organization. You might have to keep your new life separate from your mom and keep her at arm's length, but that doesn't mean you can't still have your mom in your life. She'll probably never embrace the choices you will make, but she will always love you.
LockedChaos

Hello Lurker,

You have just made a very important first step by reaching out to
your REAL peers here. Most of us share similar experiences with regard to the JW's.

I am new here and have yet to work up the nerve (I need to get
over the paranoia of being watched) to tell my story. I have just recently, after 25 years out, gotten over my anger enough to begin to re-examine my own faith.

There is a whole world of kind and good people out beyond the "Society" and its "dogmatic" teachings.

Trust in yourself and the ability to think rationally. No person or group can hurt you any more then you allow them to.

LOC shrugged
sacolton

The first step to recovery is to stop calling it "the truth" ... it is anything but the TRUTH. I encourage you to keep researching and learning what the WTBTS really is ... a corporate publishing house. Nothing more. You'll find a great wealth of support here. You are not alone!
Welcome!
Nosferatu

- "I wanted nothing more then to bring my GF into the truth"

Wow, that sounds familiar. I remember having a worldly gf, and I wanted her to come into the trooth. I figured if I could convert her, I could possibly marry her. Haha, she would have none of that. So I did the next best thing... dated a girl who was studying. Believe it or not, things got worse! Long story for another time.

Anyway, does anyone have the site link for gay ex-JWs? I know it exists, but I don't have the link handy.
lostsheep82

Google A Common Bond if you are looking. I don't know if you were looking for me, if you were Thank You! I guess I'm more into wanting to talk about doctrines and beleifs, rather than proving or attempting to prove that being gay is okay. I struggle with it, but I struggle more with the teachings of a religion that hold me back from being a true family with my mom. I struggle with things like the witnesses actually try to keep no part of the world by not celebrating holidays cause they are pagan. I LOVE Christmas but is it really pagan origin? It's the going door to door that the bible commands us to do, that they do that makes me think they COULD have the truth. But they CAN'T. Does that make sence?

Please help a lurker... too scared to post

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