Hi. I've been reading this board for a while, but never posted, but now everything has changed and I have nowhere to go for suggestions-
My witness husband (robert7) in December, the night before the assembly, told me that he isn't a witness anymore, doesn't want to be involved anymore, doesn't believe it. Of course, i'm a good witness, take the kids out in service a few days a week every week... very active in the cong.my first reaction was that "I cant love him if he doesn't love Jehovah" and it really looked like we surely would get a divorce in Jan/Feb. I'm the co-ordinater of fun stuff etc. at the hall, friends with everyone and play and watch everyones kids. I was NEVER going to look at apostate info, so i just started looking up Russel and Rutherford on Wikipedia, and was totally floored by finding out everything about them, and the subsequent links from that. So then husband leaves COC out , and for some ungodly reason, i decided to glance thru it.... then read it- thouroughly. I dont know why i even looked ,being a "good" witness. Anyway, as you know, once you read it , you can't go back. So then i started investigating everything i could. I wish i could be one of those people that dont believe it anymore , but goes to meetings... but once i knew better, i seriously would just sit there at the meeting fighting back crying, and wanting to run out, had to go in back and cry, just knowing in my head where all of this will lead, losing all my friends, my children losing all their friends, "losing my religion". I started feeling sick all the time, and have had severe stomache aches every day since and still. We went on vacation for a week, then i got the flu for a week, so I've been away from meetings for a few weeks. My best friend was keeping up with me thru all this, because of course i didnt' tell her how i was feeling cuz it's FORBIDDEN to discuss. She called me , a few days ago... told me everyone is asking her about me and where i am, and it's really alarming and what's going on. I love her to death, I have no siblings, we've always said we're sisters, our kids are best friends and have grown up seeing each other almost every day. She started painting me in a corner. She asked what's going on, I told her " i just dont know what i think, i just dont know" then she kept pushing and pushing and ... that was it. it all came out "like word vomit". I couldn't hold it in, here's my best friend asking me about a subject that has been causing me so much pain. Anyway, it ended that i TOTALLY dont believe the whole "faithful and discreet slave" i criticized pretty much everything, and she told me she loves me and my kids but she's never talking to me again since i sound apostate, because as everyone knows, apostates are evil and people (this is a direct quote) "go crazy when the leave the truth". Of course, after that call i was devistated, on the floor crying. the phone rings, my husband BRILLIANTLY gives it to me... it's my "service buddy" wondering where I have been, very nicely. But because of my state of mind, i told her, "i dont know whats happening, i had this terrible call with my other friend, and i think i dont believe it anymore". Then, you'll love this... talk about painting me in a corner... she actually asks me ..."are you saying you no longer consider yourself one of jehovahs witnesses"... !!!!!!!! I said " i really am not prepared to make a statement like this, i wasn't prepared to make this decision yet and i feel like i've been forced into it". Ok, so the 2 of them have called my elders, and our PO has left a message that he'd "like to get together with us".
I'm sorry this is so long, i'm shaking the whole time i'm writing this. Realize, the whole time i've had to "think" , since i read COC has ONLY been like 2 months! that's not long enough to make this decision! i see lots of people that take years! and i wanted to be able to consider everything! I know they're gonna wanna DF me .... right? I'm so terrified. On the other hand, i DONT want to go back... i think?!? even though i'm sure i want to leave, i just wanted to fade, but i think i faded too fast and now i'm screwed. Am i screwed? I cant believe my best friend was so eager and ready to throw me away. I knew she would if they DFed me, but NOTHING has happened... yet. oh crap, i'm screwed aren't I. I dont know if i can take it, honestly. Elder meetings? i've NEVER had to talk to elders EVER in my witness life, i've been such a good girl. I swear i'm gonna have a breakdown... i know thats what girls say but i feel like my head's gonna explode. ok, enough of the drama. I'm not ready for this decision yet. even though i know i've made up my mind.. i think you all understand.. .it's a huge decision, and 2 months is NOT long enough!!!!! OK. i guess i just need suggestions and support! i feel so scared and alone. OH- my best frinds mom emailed me that she's very concerned, and it was very nice. So i have ONE LAST CHANCE to email her back, and say some last thing to my friend, i need suggestions for that. something about how i'm not even DFed but she was so happy to get rid of me. She wants to label me "apostate" right away.. isn't there some WT that talks about how EVIL it is to label a group? i swear i saw it somewhere posted. ANyway, it's my last contact with her, so i'd like to look saine, but hurt and dissapointed. Her husband ISN"T a witness, so I'd love for our girls to be able to play once in a blue moon thru the husbands at least... have NO idea how to tell my 8 year old that the best friend she grew up with will no longer be able to see her ever again., along with everyone else in our world.
THank you SO much for listening...I appreciate any ideas or suggestions!