How do you handle ... being shunned? (page 2)

Eyes Open

I'm not DF'ed and didn't DA, so I'm not actually shunned. But I moved away to avoid the possibility. So nothing to share with how to handle it, but you sound like you're doing great under the circumstances. I'm very glad your Mum and step Dad still communicate with you, and hope your brother will, too. Go easy on him and try not to appear like you're on any other side to him, I guess.

And yes, those who are inactive or DA'ed who are still under the delusion it's truth - grief, what a mind f***. :(

WingCommander

A @ G:

Hi! First, let me state that I really enjoy your posts. Welcome! I am in a bit of a different situation, as I grew up in the JW's but was never dunked. Therefore, I am in a spiritual "Dead Zone" as far as JW's are concerned. Since I was not baptized, nor did I DA'd, DF, etc.......I just kind of did the fade around 1998 or so. Pop into a Memorial or meeting once or twice a year, that's about it. I am spoken to and greeted at the occasional rare meeting I do attend, but other than that no one could care less. Not even when my JW parents died one by one. No one cares....that is the underlying JW attitude I have seen throughout my life as a JW.

So....sometimes when I am out and about, and an old JW acquaintance happens upon me, one of two scenarios plays out: 1. They greet me and express how long it's been since they last saw me, then ask me how I am. 2. They see me, then pretend that they really didn't see me, a shunning in other words. Basically, they do this because they feel I am baaaad association since I'm no longer active. You'll probably slide into the #2 scenario, I feel.

Here is how I handle scenario #1: I greet them with a smile, handshake, etc. In a happy and carefree tone I state how happy I am, how wonderful my job is, how I love my home and new cars, and how great it is to have my own family now. Basically, I give them a testament to how happy I am now away from the JW's. I never state that directly, but you gotta know that's what they think. Then, I proceed to ask them how THEY are doing, how life is treating THEM, etc. Usually I get the typical JW lines about how the evil system of things has them down, how they are depressed, how they can't believe they are still working their janitor job after 25 years of waiting for the Great Tribulation, etc. After they are done droning, I proceed to ask them if that is what the "fruitages of the spirit" are that the Bible talks about, or if that is how Jehovah God is blessing his people. Sometimes I'll throw in if the "cooling off" of the friends is the same identifying mark that Jesus said would "identify His followers." A combination of these topics will really get their minds spinning a little later.

Here is how I handle scenario #2: If I spot a JW that is "faking" not seeing me, I'll go right up to them in a happy and carefree tone and pretty much start talking to them like I would anyone else. I have NEVER had anyone say to me yet, "I can't speak to you, as you are bad association." Again, this is due to my position of having not been baptized in the first place, and being raised in the JWs. Basically, they'll chit chat and ask about me, and then scenario #1 starts playing out.

Either way, you give a witness and testimony to the fact that how the WatchTower portrays people "on the outside" is completely wrong, and hopefully it gets people thinking. Also, going right up to people that are trying their best to pretend they haven't seen you is a real laugh in public situations....I mean, they are so embarrased to even be a JW and be put into that situation that they don't really know what to do. It makes THEM look like the ass, and gives them a brief taste of being uncomfortable. Sweet irony.

Regards,

Wing Commander

Hope4Others

Hey A&G,

I think you have done very well with your parents, it won't be easy when you run into people

I've experienced this a few times lately. But I just hold my head up, smile and say Hi. If they

choose to turn and look the other way so be it. I'm happy as is, and I have a good conscience and no

what truth really is now. I refuse to let other people try to rob my joy.

Yes, I know I'm in neither category yet, oh well sh*t happens.

cheers,

And best wishes to you

h4o

hillbilly

I guess I am lucky... grandma (near 90) and my uncles are pretty independent folks... they speak to me.

My cousins are a bit aloof.. but they are trying to stay in sync ... plus their wifes are probably the pressure for most of the little shunning I get from them.

Last time my uncle was in the hospital... not one of them walked out when I came to visit.

As far as old buddies and such... I didnt loose much for pals if you know what I mean.

Jeff

Layla33

Hmmm, I don't think I handle it. I just maneuver depending on the circumstance.

I am officially not a JW, therefore I do not have to honor any of their thoughts or beliefs. I will talk to whomever I want, whenever I want and I don't feel the need to "out" myself to anyone. About a year afterwards I did, and on a rare occasion I will when there is a "witness" I really don't want to talk to, I will let them go on for a while and then say, "hey, by the way I am DF'd" with the most wonderful smiles , at which they will either walk away like I have vomited on them or they will say, "good to see you" hug me and get out of there. Most times, it is not a big deal.

To my immediate family, they truly love me and have accepted my opinion without much issue. I always come back to, "as an adult I should have the right to believe what I want, without you questioning my right to have that belief, that does not make me a bad person." That is normally the end of any and all conversations on it.

I think as time passes you figure it out for yourself. I have two family members (non-immediate) that will not acknowledge my existence and I do the same to them. Every time I see them (which in the past ten years has been exactly ONCE), I look at them like they are dead cats on the street, and laugh and go on about my business.

sacolton

A@G, did you shun M---? If so, he probably feels karma is at work here. I don't think it's that easy to just pop into someone's life who has been DF'd and shunned by announcing that you are DA'd and expect them to get all excited. Alot of hurt feelings have been processed since then. If he accepts your friendship, it'll be a better friendship than before.

You're on the right track. You got a good head on your shoulders, so don't feel too bad if you can't mend a past friendship. Give it time.

jgnat

Hey, I was never a JW and I've been shunned. My favorite incident was when my (JW) husband and I were out walking the dog, a congregation member came by, avoided eye contact with the both of us, and said hello to the dog!

My second favorite was when a friendly sister invited us both to a Witness gathering. When I hesitated, she quickly added, "You're allowed!". I try to imagine where such a response would be considered normal in decent society, and I can't come up with one. I'm allowed to come to a potluck? Well ain't I special!

How can you respond to stuff like that?

I stick with standing tall, twinkle in the eye, wide grin, and firm handshake. Laugh afterwards. Like you say, the shunning is their problem, not yours. Don't own it.

Finally-Free

How can you respond to stuff like that?

I'd probably say, "WOW!!! Lucky me!!!" and hope the invitation would be withdrawn because of my use of the word 'lucky'.

Awakened at Gilead

Saco: A@G , did you shun M---? If so, he probably feels karma is at work here. I don't think it's that easy to just pop into someone's life who has been DF'd and shunned by announcing that you are DA'd and expect them to get all excited. Alot of hurt feelings have been processed since then. If he accepts your friendship, it'll be a better friendship than before.

Actually, no... I was in a different cong when he was Dfd last year. Haven't seen him in a few years... After reading the experiences of others on the board, I really feel for those who are Dfd and still believe its the truth. That must be the worst living hell that exists.

MARTINLEYSHON

A & G

How do you handle ... being shunned?

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