Yes, it is a big deal and it is wrong. Your sister was right.
Opinion poll: Is it wrong for grandparents to buy presents for all but one?
by cognizant dissident 58 Replies latest jw friends
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free2think
Your sister was totally right, how insensitive.
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mrsjones5
My parents played that game with me and my siblings - I always got the short stick. When they tried to pull that crap with my kids I put my foot down...not with my babies, you get them all a present or give them nothing.
Josie
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Layla33
Yes it is, it sends a bad message to the child. I side with your sister. If it were me, I would have gone out and brought my child something or refused the gift.
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Wordly Andre
OMG to a kid that is like screaming from a top of the highest building Grandma and Grandpa don't love you, sorry your parents are jerks for doing that, come on couldn't find anything buy some candy or cheesy t-shirt
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cognizant dissident
Wow, I just checked in now and saw all your responses. I appreciated reading all of your input.
Loubelle: The boy is ony just 7. He is quiet, shy and well-behaved. The only thing is he is not really responsive to the grandparents and he does look like his dad who is not a JW and also not real crazy over my parents. I wonder if that's there little way of getting revenge? I can't see any other reason. Although, they are certainly not going to win the kid over with that behaviour. Perhaps he is just a better judge of character than the rest of us! lol.
Gill: Amen to speaking up, brother! I notice the only two people (me and another poster) who were in a similiar situation and said nothing, regretted it!
Momzcrazy: I agree, hard to believe an intelligent adult would truly not "know better". That's why I wonder if there is some underlying hostility at play.
Stilla: No doubts in your reply! Thanks.
Hammy: Fascinating analysis. I''m inclined to agree. My sister and I are the outcasts in the family right now because we are the two who have not just left the JW's but outspokenly declared ourselves athiests (synonomous with apostate). It's a wonder my father and stepmother even speak to us at all. (PO and pioneer) I think they are hoping to get to the kids eventually, but their need to punish/control us also gets re-enacted to some degree through the kids as well.
Whitedove: That was incredibly strong of you to see through that and stand up to them at such a young age. Good for you.
BFD: Thanks, I suspected it was them, but still nice to have my perceptions validated!
Dinah: Perhaps that should be the subject of my next poll: "Truly insensitive? Or, just plain mean?!" Interesting point about the stepchildren. Having been both a stepdaugher and a stepmother, I understand that the bond is not always the same and it is sometimes unavoidable to have stronger feelings of closeness for one child than another even if they are not steps. While we cannot always help our feelings we can definitely control our behaviour and the expression of such. If a parent, grandparent or step-parent does find that they "feel" closer to one child, all the more reason, IMO, to monitor one's behaviour closely to makes sure one is not expressing that favoritism in any way that could be insensitive or hurtful.
Chickpea: Believe it! I got plenty more stories where that one came from. That is just the most recent incident!
Scully: Sincerity is an issue here, I agree. If you claim to be expressing your love and attention through gifts, and the receiver is telling you they perceive your actions as hurtful, not loving, why insist on continuing on with it? Seems more about control than love to me.
Wings: Yes, my parents haven't seemed to learn anything from the negative responses of their own children growing up. They are trying to continue their manipulative behaviour with the grandchildren.
Finally Free: Good plan. I can't afford to buy presents for all my nieces and nephews every time I see them. So, I don't buy them at all. If I do, then I buy something inexpensive for all of them. Children don't need expensive presents to feel loved, IMO. Just some thoughful attention goes further.
Minimus: I guess we adult children are used to "not nice". It stands out more when it is an innocent 7 year old on the receiving end.
Lady Lee: LOL! I read your post twice and I still can't figure out what's what in that situation. No wonder the kids are confused!
Orangefatcat: I'm sorry your son was hurt too. I don't expect it to get better. I agree. What goes around comes around. I guess it is unrealistic to expect our children to have the warm loving relationships with our parents that we certainly never had. Have to let go of the fantasy!
Scully: Your post triggered another memory of same thing. Every grandchild's picture on the wall except my son's. Honestly, I was hurt, but did say something that time. JW Protection Program. Love it!
2112: I'm not convinced it is a JW thing. I know other non-JW parents/grandparents who do this kind of behaviour. I think it is more a manifestation of control and manipulation, reward and punishment. Common amoung JW's though because of the
trainingbrainwashing. If your wife gets so angry at a suggestion of fairness and kindness, that shows there is some sort of emotional issue underlying it IMO. Not a rational decision.Changeling: I think it is only human nature to feel favoritism. It is human wisdom and kindness not to express it or act upon it. Especially towards the young and emotionally vulnerable in our care.
Carmel: I cannot say for sure, but I will not be surprised if my sister and I are punished for our apostasy in our parents will. I am expecting it, I suspect it may hurt a little anyway, but yes, we will survive.
Voideater: Thanks for the vote!
Free2think: I'll definitely tell her. She loves to be right as much as I do!
Josie: Good for you and your foot! It seems by all the posts, this is fairly common behaviour. I wonder why older generation thinks this is acceptable and younger generation doesn't?
Layla: Interesting response. I considered getting my son something to make up for the time his grandparents did that to him and lying and saying it was from them. I changed my mind though as that was really shielding them from the results of their own actions. (a poor relationship with my son). My son is also a smart kid and I don't lie to him.
Worldly Andy: Exactly! How hard is it to please a 7 year old? A hunk o candy and they are happy!
Thanks everyone for your responses. I do notice a trend here that many in the older generation feel it is OK to show favorites and yet nobody here seems to. Hopefully, this shows we can evolve an improve as parents if we are willing to learn from the past. Or else we are all just such fair and balanced people at JWD!
Cog
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lisavegas420
I'm a bit guilty of showing favoritism with my oldest granddaughter.
The other two are much younger. My daugher and I haved argued about this recently. She feels if I take one, I should take all three.
When I take the younger ones, it turns into work..a babysitting job. With the oldest one, we can just hang out and chat and do girly things.
I'm working on it, though. and try to split my time among them evenly.
I'd never leave one out when I'm buying presents..
lisa
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cognizant dissident
Hey Lisa
My sister has this problem with her in-laws also. Her mother-in-law feels very close to her grandaughter. They have a special bond and quite frankly her boy is not interested in going to see little mermaids on ice with them. So being fair does not always mean having to be the same or exactly 50/50. However, it became a problem because time and time again the grandma planned special time with her grandaugher but never did with her grandson. So, my sister had to speak up again and say, I know you only want to take one kid at a time and that's fine, but you need to take turns. I'm not sending the girl until the boy has hid his turn! I do agree when they are actually babies, this is not always practical. But when they are old enough to know who grandma and grandpa are then it's only fair to take turns IMO.
Cog
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hamsterbait
Lisaveg -
You never leave the other youngsters out when getting presents; so I can't see it would do any harm to make it clear that as the two other littleuns get to an age where you can just hang out with them and have fun - NOT BABYSITTING FOR FREE - they can come on their own and have a girly weekend too.
It actually annoys me that so many parents treat Grans as free babysitters. As if it is a duty so the parents can leave their annoying kids elsewhere whist they go out for fun.
A french woman said to me a couple of years ago "It is as if you love your children, but do not like them."
HB
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str8?so is spaghetti..until you heat it up
Thats a Head Spin.
And oh so rude.
Why? I am getting a headache just thinking about it.
Cruel and unnecessary.