Opinion poll: Is it wrong for grandparents to buy presents for all but one? (page 2)

BabaYaga

Cog wrote: "My sister intercepted the gift before they gave it to her daughter so it's not like she took it away from her. She doesn't even know about it. She did tell my parents that she would put it away and give it to her when they had something for her son as well. Reasonable, I thought."

Excellent! Yes, reasonable, indeed. I don't blame her a bit and I think she handled it well.

It is such a shame that some people live their lives in a poisonous, controlling and hurtful way. No one should have to guilt family into spending time with them. If love abounds, your family WANT to be there.

Hope4Others

My simple little answer is if you can't bring something for all the grandchildren then bring nothing at all. Children do not understand

we didn't have time to get you anything, they just feel left out and maybe grama and grampa don't like me very much. Your sister has every right to feel as

she did. I would have done the same.

Cheers!

hope4others

llbh

All the children should be treated the same or they will feel like there is favouritism.

If they had time to get presents for the 3 chilren how much longer would it take to get a another present?

David

cognizant dissident

Yes, David, their excuse didn't ring true to me. I have twin sisters and they each have a boy and a girl close in age. The two little boys are almost the same age. Whatever they got for the one little boy, why didn't they just buy two? It makes no sense at all.

Cog

ps: Even when they did it to my son, I thought, "OK, so maybe you don't know what teenagers like. How much effort is it to slip the kid a $20 bill? Every teenager loves cash!"

boyzone

Well done to your sister for refusing the present! I wish I had the presence of mind to do that 10 years ago.

A wealthy brother took all the teenage boys in my cong for a trip to his second home in the Scottish Highlands. He took my eldest son but not my second eldest. As it turned out, my second eldest was the only teenager in the whole cong left behind and it had a profound affect on him. From that point on he just didn't feel he was good enough for the witnesses no matter how hard he tried. Then began the self harming and the deep depression of a teenager in pain. I really feared he was suicidal at times.

Looking back I so desperately wish I had stopped my eldest going on that trip too. If his younger brother couldn't go, then neither should he have done. But I was just too damn polite to say anything.

He's fine now, but he has never forgotten how that incident made him feel and still has residues of low self esteem now and then.

So give your sister a huge pat on the back, she did 100% exactly the right thing in refusing that present. I admire her courage to protect her child from the thoughtless actions of inconsiderate adults.

nameless_one

Wow, that does seem not just insensitive but downright cruel. If it were a one-time incident that could be chalked up to cluelessness or good intentions gone awry, that would be one thing, but what you describe sounds like a long-standing, deliberate pattern. It seems to me that a loving grandparent who made an oversight like that and got called out on it, would then be very careful not to exclude any of the children again (and again and again and again). I suspect they know exactly what they're doing, and that it's hurtful.

I agree with those who say it sounds like an issue of passive-aggression, though it's sort of baffling -- how sad and awful to target children with that sort of poison :-( I think your sister certainly did the right thing, it sounds like you've some very kind and cognizant adults in the family who are taking good care to protect the kids from this kind of crap and the hurt it could cause.

PS Love the idea of inviting one but not the other to dinner, LOL.

cognizant dissident

Thanks boyzone. I think I will tell her about this poll. It will make her feel better I'm sure.

Sorry to hear what that jerk did to your son. I think it is worse when that happens to a teenager because they are so sensitive to in group/ out group dynamics. It's bad enough when teens do that sort of thing to one another, do they really need adults modeling such behaviour? I think it is psychologically cruel. It's truly not about the value of presents. It's about making someone else feel de-valued.

If I could do it over again, I would definitely have taken my parents aside and said, "Look why do you have something for everyone in the room, but my son?" Then I would have told them how hurtful that was and to slip the kid some cash like you had planned it all along!" I think I was surprised in to silence and hurt myself and I'm also the type of person who doesn't like to confront and make a scene. I tend to clam up and withdraw when hurt.

I would really like a do-over!

Cog

cognizant dissident

Yes, hope4others, it is not about being obligated to buy presents. I have never thought anyone should be. It would have been better to bring nothing at all.

Cog

cognizant dissident

I agree nameless one, it does look like a long standing and deliberate pattern to me too. I just can't for the life of me understand why parents would purposely pit their own children and now grandchildren against each other.

Maybe that's how they feel important, by stirring up drama and conflict and then making themselves the centre of it. Now they get to be play the poor innocents who can't understand why my sister is angry with them and won't visit. I don't know for sure what their motives are but I refuse to play their silly games any more.

Cog

Hope4Others

I hope I meet you some day since you are in Canada...lol

h40

Opinion poll: Is it wrong for grandparents to buy presents for all but one?

Share this