Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

joelbear69

I have been diagnosed and misdiagnosed so many time over the past 20 years it really isn't
funny. I have been prescribed an alphabet of drugs. The only thing that really works on me
is sedatives/tranquilizers that calm my mind down for a few hours at a time.

The most correct feeling diagnosis is that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder caused by
several traumas, mostly Watchtower related, but not all.

1. Mom threatening to abandon me if I misbehaved. This was chronic throughout my
early childhood.

2. Mom and Dad's almost constant fighting. Once he brought home flowers (yellow roses)
on their anniversary and mom said she would have rather had candy. Dad through them
out in the front yard. I went out in my PJ's and socks and tried to put them back together
again. That vase sat on our TV for years afterward and it was a constant reminder of
that horrible night.

3. Dad's chronic drinking. This started when I was about 10 and lasted until I left home
when I was 23.

4. Mom's going to work when I was 11. I hated coming home to an empty house. I was
constantly afraid my parents were going to abandon me.

5. Being kicked out of Bethel for falling in love. Falling in love with another man that
is. And it was real love. When I was sent home my soul was shattered. I wanted Rick.
I wanted to be back at Bethel. I didn't want to face the humiliation. I used to lay in
bed and tremble uncontrollably for hours.

6. Being shunned. Even after 20 years I remain devastated and completely heart
broken from being shunned by my hundreds of witness friends and my family.

7. My Dad and older brother's violent verbal and emotional abuse regarding my
homosexuality. This started when I was about 13 and did not end until I came
out and left the family when I was 30.

So far I have survived one day at a time.

I have Mitch and his family and friends.
I have a few friends of my own (my friendships don't tend to last long)
I have a very faint glimmer of hope that maybe one day I'll get better.

BurnTheShips

I have a very faint glimmer of hope that maybe one day I'll get better.

I believe you will be healed.

Hope4Others

To be told these things over and over certainly can have lasting impressions

in our minds, especially from family how do you ever get past this?

My Dad and older brother's violent verbal and emotional abuse regarding my
homosexuality. This started when I was about 13 and did not end until I came
out and left the family when I was 30.

There is a need to find happiness and content within and this can bring you needed peace. It will be work assuredly but take one day at a time, I'm

sure you can do it.

Cheers!

hope4others

joelbear69

I really think only death will bring me peace because of the way my mind works and the way I have set up ethical prioritization in my mind.

momzcrazy

Once again I am going to say what has helped me so so much. THERAPY! I didn't want to go. I have also been on anti depressants, since I was 17. I also had a family from hell.

I don't know how it works. Sitting in a room for 45 minutes with a stranger, dredging up horrible painful memories. Then sitting there analyzing every one of them. I am remembering more everyday, although I don't like what I am remembering. I guess my soul is strong enough to start bringing up what has been buried for so long.

But it works! Every session I feel better. The day after. The day of, I am sick and tired. After every session I feel my scars opening a little more. They need to open so I can see what caused the wounds, and so they can be healed properly.

Oh, and I am surprisingly proud to say: I am not drinking half of what I was. It just stopped keeping the pain from floating up.

I wish you strength in your healing process. If we don't heal, we are never complete souls.

momz

ninja

bloody hell...I've seen everything now....santa is depressed!.....just kidding billy joel....p.s luv your tunes

Hope4Others

Joelbear I do hope for you that these glimmers will turn to large sparkles!

I have a very faint glimmer of hope that maybe one day I'll get better

I wish you happiness! Try to read some positive books or affirmations to help you along your way.

Cheers!

Hope40thers

ESTEE

Hugs to you joelbear. Be good to yourself. Keep breathing.

ESTEE

Hortensia

there are a whole lot of damaged people on this forum - I hope for all of us that we can get better. Actually for a long time I was happy, circumstances are stressful right now but won't last forever...I'm sorry to hear you say that you think you'll only find peace when you die - but I know what you mean. However, in the meantime, you have to live and you might as well try to make it as pleasant as possible.

jaguarbass

I feel for you Joel Bear. I am 55 years old and except 5 years out of 7 when I went to AA as a recovering JW. I dont remember having peace in my life. Because of JW experiences and growing up experiences life is emotionally difficult. I had my wife very upset yesterday and today because of issues that to me stem from being raised as a JW and I dont know how to deal with them. Or I know how to deal with them and wont take the time to deal with them. I could go back to AA and start working the program and probably see improvement in time. But I havent hit low enough bottom yet and it takes too much time and effort for where I'm at now. So I have to suffer and white knuckle it. The only way I know to deal with my problems of having been a Jw is to stop drinking and spend 3 or 4 hours a week going to AA meetings. If you have any drinking experience, which if you were a former jw, you should at least be alcoholic, AA could probably do you a lot of good. To tell you the truth AA doesnt solve my problems of having been raised as a witness, but it does give me some coping tools to deal with it. The past is done its occured and theres no errassing it.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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