What Circumstances Cause Some to Decide to Fade or Disassociate ?

by flipper 25 Replies latest jw friends

  • boyzone

    I became very disollusioned with the truth over a period of time after my son was chased down and DA'd 6 months after leaving the congregation for being gay. This broke my heart as it meant his grandparents and all the friends he grew up with were stopped from speaking to him, just when he needed them most.

    I then started to investigate the truth to see if Jesus would really choose them in 1919 as they claim (why didn't I think to do this before???) Of course it was a terrible shock to realise that they were complete frauds, especially after 21 years of being a zealous witness, bringing up 4 boys in the "truth" etc.

    So I went to a local fellowship group, just out of curiosity more than anything. One member of the group mentioned I was there to a friend of hers. The friend then told the pioneer sister who called on her. The pioneer sister then told the PO of my congregation. The PO then went to my parents to ask if it was true. My parents then asked me and reported back to the PO who finally gave me a call to ask me the "do you still want to be known..." question. I fobbed him off with the " I was just curious" reason, (which was actually true!)

    I was furious. All these people lived in the same village as me, they all had my phone number yet the gossip went all round the houses before I was asked. I wasn't gonna put up with having to look over my shoulder to see if I was being watched every time I made a move. I wasn't prepard to have sisters or elders make a fuss if they saw me going into a church or a christian bookshop or having a birthday. They could get lost. So I wrote a letter so I could take control of the situation. I left on my terms, in my own time, on my say so. The only thing that concerned me is if my parents shunned me. After I spoke to them I was convinced that they would NEVER shun me regardless of what the Society said. So I handed my letter in and have never looked back.

  • Eyes Open
    Eyes Open

    During the time I spent researching, there was a period of around three days when I felt disassociating was the right thing to do. I had gotten baptised into something that I subsequently regarded as disgusting and harmful, and I'm the type of person who likes to tie up loose ends. I was (and still am, in some ways) close to my immediate JW family members, so that was a very stressul time as I knew the likely result.

    But then I came around to thinking that, actually, this tin pot apocalyptic cult's paperwork doesn't actually mean jack, and that if I'm still down as a member what difference does it actually make to anything apart from those relationships? So I decided to take the course of less damage and not disassociate. My exit wasn't a normal fade; my meeting attendance actually went from fully regular to non-existant between one meeting and the next. And I was relatively open about my doubts with elders. But they didn't come after me, as it were. I'm now away from the locality and the control.

    It hurts me very much to think of how the ones that meant the most to me might shun me (not sure about this) if I was announced as being "no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses", but I also know why they have their blind spots. I would have been the same.

    Black Swan, Thom Yorke

    What will grow crooked, you can't make straight
    It's the price that you gotta pay
    Do yourself a favour and pack your bags
    Buy a ticket and get on the train
    Buy a ticket and get on the train

    Cause this is fucked up, fucked up
    Cause this is fucked up, fucked up

    People get crushed like biscuit crumbs
    And lay down in the bitumen
    You have tried your best to please everyone
    But it just isn't happenin'
    No, it just isn't happenin'

    And that is fucked up, fucked up
    And this is fucked up, fucked up
    This your blind spot, blind spot
    It should be obvious, but it's not.

    You cannot kickstart a dead horse
    You just crush yourself and walk away
    I don't care what the future holds
    'Cause I'm right in your arms today
    With your fingers you can touch me

    I am your black swan, black swan
    But I made it to the top, but I made it to the top
    And this is fucked up, fucked up

    You are fucked up, fucked up
    This is fucked up, fucked up

    We are black swans, black swans
    I'm for spare parts, broken up
  • yknot


    Most of my Elders and I get along quite well, the others have been wanting me gone for decades.

    I played on what I knew about them individually. I made them believe they tried but the WTS failed, that I was a liability best quietly ushered out the back. I protested on the grounds of personal loss and requested a meeting with the CO. I knew after losing 2 Elders earlier to apostasy that this was the last thing the PO wanted. He said I could leave and suffer no losses. My absence will be officially chalked up to headship issues. June happens to be when we are going out-of-state.

    As my Granddaddy use to say.....everything is negotiable (all except salvation)

    No..the PO didn't appreciate me blabbing recent announcements before Sunday......but it is further proof that I am better gone then kept.

  • flipper

    BOYZONE- That is awful how your son was treated ! I'm so sorry. It would have broke my heart as well as a father. I'm glad you made the decision that was right for you my friend to submit the DA letter as it helped your circumstances. It's good your parents still talk to you though. It sounds like you took that into consideration making your decision.

    It is so true as well that witnesses first gossip among themselves about a person sinning, before the person is ever approached themselves about it ! It is so wrong and " unscriptural" - unlike what Jesus taught them to do in handling matters.

    EYES OPEN- Sounds like you stopped going to meetings like me - cold turkey ! From being regular to nothing. I too openly expressed my doubts to my family - not the elders as I was pissed off at them for bad counsel. Didn't care to hear what they had to say ! I also moved away from the area . Glad you still talk with your family .

    YKNOT- It sounds like you negotiated a pretty good deal there ! Fade away with no consequences ! LOL! I'm glad you got out ! I agree it would have looked pretty bad for that P.O. in your congregation to get you kicked out for apostasy, ; when they had already kicked out 2 elders for apostasy earlier ! It's like - what do they expect, right ? LOL! Would have been hypocritical on their part ! LOL! Funny as hell ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • Casper


    Since I have no family in... why did I go with a fade.........

    I really don't know. I guess for one thing, I was never pressed to make a decision. Then after finding JWD, and getting others opinions, I decided not to play by their rules if the matter ever came up.

    So, here I am, a 10 year fader...so far no problems.


  • NikL

    It was discovered that I read Ray Franz's book "crisis of conscience" and the elders called a judicial meeting on me. During the meeting they asked me what I would do if they DFed me. I told them that I would appeal it. They asked why, I did not want to be a member of Jehovah's organization anymore? I told them I did not want my name slandered because if Dfed me people would think I had done something very wrong which I hadn't. They told me as long as I did not tell others what I had read in the book or share with them my doubts of the organization they would leave me alone. They cautioned me however, that should I ever tell the things that I had read I would have to meet with them again and there would be consequences.

    I think the only reason they left me alone was because my wife was and continues to be a faithful J. W.

    Whatever their reason, I was allowed to fade. Fine with me since I am married to an active witness.

  • OnTheWayOut

    Flipper, I could state much of what Oompa said:

    ....I wanted to stand at the hall and scream out the truth every week until they carried out against my will....
    ....I just did not want to put anyone in the position where they felt they had no choice but to shun me......

    But my concern is only for my mother. Even my wife would be told to keep normal relations
    with me if I were DF'ed, so I don't do it for her. I could lose all the "friends" although I hope to
    keep one or two. Friends that don't stay friends, while I understand they are caught in the cult,
    are friends I don't need. I will welcome them back into my life if they ever come out. I have
    found friends among ex-JW's to be truly unconditional. I or they don't really care if the others
    are bitter ex-JW's or athiests or still Christians. One friend attends a Jewish synagogue and
    some are staunch Lutherans, I am a shipwreck of faith but mostly agnostic and skeptical of
    the Bible. It just doesn't matter. For JW's, it totally matters.

    My mother, however- Well, family is very important to me. I think she would not shun me,
    but I would never get reinstated just to eleviate her loyalty battle between the Borg and me. If,
    one day I get DF'ed, at least I tried. I intend to threaten legal action before they just DF me
    without a fight. That's how much my family means to me. After Mom passes away, it won't
    matter anymore, but Mom is liable to live another 30 years or more into her 90's.

    Before anyone chooses one over the other, give some consideration to just walking away and
    trying to live a decent life without triggering JW's to take action. Then consider how important
    certain relations are to you, and whether you can help them some as a fader or as a person
    who stood his/her ground. There are no easy answers.

    Faders don't always maintain relationships. Sometimes, they shun you or avoid you anyway.
    Some choose the DA for the closure and the opportunity to say their piece. Others say what
    they may and allow the elders to disfellowship them to make a point. I fully understand those,
    but keep in mind that few elders and friends really learn anything from your words or actions.
    If you do it to demonstrate something to your family, make sure that it is clear to them what
    your point is.

  • Quirky1

    Flipman, I'm kind of like Oompa & OTWO. I would love to walk in during a meeting grab the mic and say, "You are all in a cult". I thought about DA and discussed it with my wife. She thought I had already sent a letter. She did not want me to do this an mentioned that if I no longer beleive just to let it go.

    Two of the elders know about the apostae literature I've read and have and yet they have not done anything. One of the elders even went to lunch with me "with" my request of nothing spiritually speaking. We went to lunch and neither of us prayed over the meal. We ate lunch as freinds.

    So, I've chosen to fade if my spouse will allow it. I know I've posted on other threads that she has vowed to "rat me out" if do anything against the beliefs of the JW/WTBTS. But, I don't know if she will follow thru. She knows both of our children have done DF offenses but yet she will not report them. And I'm no angel either. I've done some DF offenses, that I will not mention, she already knows about and has yet to turn me in.

    I am just taking it one day at a time.


  • chickpea

    i never actually 'decided' to fade..... life circumstances absolutely demanded every bit of focus and attention any of us could muster so there was no way we could keep up the regimen of the puppeteers aka the b0rg..... as life settled down to a recognizable form, there was no desire or enthusiasm to even look for dress clothes or "book bags"

    even though i believed for months, that eventually became years, that i would find my way back, i have since determined that "the world" was not such an awful place to be..... and my children are fully vested in it and i want to have them in my life.....

    finding JWD was just the ticket for me to "decide" i was done with the b0rg...... the evidence that has been documented here that overwhelmingly proves the empreror has no clothes, or ethics for that matter.... the deconstruction of the doctrines and teachings that are manipulated to support a cult's hold over the minds of its adherents..... the realization of the devastation their policies and practices causes in families' lives ..... all of it added up to just too much to swallow ....

    a freed mind is a terrible thing to waste....

    likewise, i have decided i will not support their rules and regs any further by offering a letter to sever ties.... if they want to announce that i am out, they can do it themselves

  • Homerovah the Almighty
    Homerovah the Almighty

    For myself I think the problems started when I began to scrutinize things that weren't lining up properly particularly after the 1975 fiasco,

    an intuition of doubt started to develop, of was I being deliberately manipulated to buy and sell literature printed by the WTS.

    As for me It was probably the doctrinal teachings that put me off, selling the lie was not what I wanted to support or belong to, looking for

    the truth was more important.

    It doesn't help much to be an analytical thinker either of course, but thats part of my personality I guess.

    There really are many circumstances which can arise to make individuals fade away, some may be doctrinal teachings,

    some may even be personal problems with other people in the the congregation, the list is a long one I'm sure.

    Some too may just be a simple lack of interest, and therefore kindly bow out gracefully and leave with a degree of respect intact.

    Thats the way I left and thats probably the reason why I've had such a good relationship with my still in jws relatives to this day.

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