What Circumstances Cause Some to Decide to Fade or Disassociate ?

by flipper 25 Replies latest jw friends

  • flipper

    This morning in seeing another poster going through this particular dilemma , I thought it would be good to open it up to open discussion to see what various situations occur in our lives that make us come to the decision to fade / or disassociate ? Everybody has different circumstances in their lives - so one size certainly doesn't fit all . Everybody has there pressure points in life they can deal with - some cannot.

    Myself at this point in life , I have chosen to fade as my 82 and 80 year old parents are still alive and I want to still talk to them , as they respect my fade , even though they have been witnesses for 57 years ! And , my best opportunity to assist my daughters who are still witnesses , to eventually get out of the witness " cult " , is still there because of my being a fader . If I was officially DFed or disassociated I am quite sure they would never consider talking to me - thus I would not be able to assist them .

    So, what circumstances have caused you folks to make the decision to fade, disassociate, or be Dfed ? What events have gone on in your life that made you come to the decision you did ? It will be interesting hearing your experiences and I think it will help all of us to see - we truly are different in the route we take , but have similar and varied circumstances which cause us to decide ! As always I look forward to your views

  • oompa

    Flip, as much as I wanted to stand at the hall and scream out the truth every week until they carried out against my will, I finally shut up mostly. We may have strong emotions about being lied to or whatever and we may not agree with the shunning policy (and who would), but the ones left in the borg are conditioned to abide by it. I just did not want to put anyone in the position where they felt they had no choice but to shun me.........instead, as a fader, I appreciate more the ones I can still call friends, and know a whole lot more about those that shun me even though they dont really have to............................oompa

  • undercover

    Most of my family are JWs including my aged parents. I prefer to not rock their boat any more than I have to at their age. I prefer to be able to associate with the rest of my family on my terms, not on the terms of a publishing company.

    Some may argue that if family would put the bOrg in front of family then they aren't worth it, but I say they aren't using their full mental capacity and I won't push them to try to think through such a dilema with such dimenished thinking and logic.

    Also, since I've realized it's all a sham, I'll be damned if I'm gonna give them any satisfaction in letting them make an announcement basically slandering my name. They no longer have any authority over me, why bother giving them that last bit of authority....to decide for a KH hall full of people whether they should associate with me or not.

  • done4good

    In spite of what many say, d/a 'ing is a very liberating thing to do...

    That said, it is expensive. If you can't afford it, don't do it. Only when my entire family decided to treat me d/f'd, did I finally decide to d/a.


  • Dagney

    I didn't fade. I stopped cold one day after a moment of clarity at a meeting.

    I didn't know what I was doing or what I was going to do, but I knew life as I knew it was over. I wasn't part of an internet community, I was alone. As I found out more "truth about the troof" was I wasn't going to play by their rules, I was going to do it my way. I had given them enough control over my life and that was over.

    I was scared for a few years about getting trapped in that doorstep confrontation "Do you recognize the FDS as God's only channel on earth today." That never happened and don't think it ever will. But I worked up responses just in case. I had many things going on in my life at the time and my elders knew it, so I was left alone.

    I think the best thing would be to move and start over in a new life. But that is rarely possible with family and work obligations. Acknowledging their labels, DA or DF is still giving them power, IMHO, for the most part. But each person must sort out what their course should be. I can see how making a stand with a letter is important also.

    Either way, life goes on. And I can say with the most confidence the sooner you start living the life you want, the happier you will be.

  • flipper

    Great replies you all- keep them coming ! We all benefit for sure !

    OOMPA- I too feel that being a fader gives you more options to control your situation. Like you - I still have family in the witnesses and I want them to have the choice to associate with me or not. That choice would be taken away from them if I was DFed or disassociated.

    UNDERCOVER- I agree with everything you say. I don't want to rock my older parents boat either. I too fought the elders and a judicial committee so I could control whether I see my witness parents . I don't believe in giving them any more authority either !

    DONE 4 GOOD- I agree d/a'ing is liberating - but I'm glad you qualify that statement by saying you have to be able to count the costs and afford it. I understand why you did it if your family was going to treat you like a DFed person anyway.

    DAGNEY- Good post , sis ! I too just stopped cold turkey going to the meetings in late 2003. I agree with you that they had too much control in our lives. I wasn't going to let them continue having that control as well. Isn't it amazing how the questions we thought they'd pose to us - still kept us at an " unease " somewhat even after stopping meeting attendance ? I know how you feel. They weird me out too ! I agree with you I don't want to give them power over me either - I have enjoyed life since stopping and yes ; life does go on and we can make it happy moving on ! Good points ! Peace out, Mr.Flipper

  • changeling

    I faded (actually I kind of "dropped out") because to DA I would have closed the door on my kids. As it stands, one is completely "out" and the other is mentally out but "in" for her husband's sake. Our patience has reaped great rewards. Had we DA'd I don't think we would have come this far. But that's not to say that's not a choice others should make. We all have to do what is best for our own circumstances.

    changeling :)

  • flipper

    CHANGELING- You were raised in the witnesses like me ; so I understand your situation perhaps more than some others type of circumstances who were not raised in it. By fading as you have , you have been able to be there for your daughter who is staying in for the sake of her husband . Like I wish for my daughters eventually, I hope your daughter can eventually find peace and leave it completely. With husband intact if possible ! Peace to you, Mr. Flipper

  • yknot

    I am fading because it is the arrangement the Elders & I agreed upon.

    We (Elders and I) agree that my relationship with the WTS has irreconcilable differences.

    Fading will allow those who remain within the organization to associate with both of us without conflict.

  • flipper

    YKNOT - It's amazing to me the elders you are dealing with don't hassle you over your fade . At least they are allowing you to control that part of your life yourself . Many times they don't

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