My Fiancé Can No Longer Talk to Me Because She is Becoming a JW

by reekster 44 Replies latest jw friends

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    Welcome to the group, Reekster.

    You won't like what I have to say. I'm not going to tell you to read a book, or pray more intently, or pretend to be interested, or drink herbal tea.

    For ten years you've been cultivating a relationship with this person. You THOUGHT you knew her and knew a bit about her.

    Now you discover that she is severely mentally deficient. She has shown an aspect of her personality that you previously were unaware of: the willingness to be influenced by "salvation peddlers" who use scare tactics and invisible imaginary saviors who will act "real soon, maybe tomorrow."


    Your relationship is OVER, my friend. Tell her you hope she gets on real good with her imaginary friend while she spirals through neurosis and possibly into psychosis.

    Just be sure you understand this one simple fact: YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF FIRST.

    Yeah, it's not romantic. Yeah, it means cutting your losses by selling off a loser stock that you wished was going to climb through the stratosphere.

    What you need to do now is dump that b*tch and go on vacation. Go somewhere fun where you'll find other people of the sort you enjoy mixing with. Call her answering machine and leave a message that it is OVER and not subject to discussion.

    Even if she was to come to her senses temporarily, it will be only a matter of time before this mental deficiency manifests itself again.

    Don't screw up the rest of your life.

  • mouthy

    WOW!!!! Thats telling him Eh Nate ?XXX

  • reekster

    Hi everybody. Thank you for taking the time to share your information and advice.

    You won’t believe this, but she called me today while she was on her lunch break. What happened was, last Monday I sent her a flower arrangement. I wasn’t sure if she received it so I called the florist to check on whether or not it was delivered. Well they called the florist in the local where she lives, they can’t find the record of delivery, so they call her to make sure it was delivered. Fifteen minutes after my local florist calls me to confirm the delivery, she calls me.

    Our conversation covered some things about her really checking out the scriptures in context as well as references made to other sources. She was pretty convinced that what she believes is true, but I think she still listened to me a bit. We also talked about how we feel about each other and she said that she would marry me in a heartbeat if I were a JW. There was a lot of crying on both of our parts. She told me to not send her things anymore because it’s makes it hard on her. She said that she needs to move on so that she can serve Jehovah. My general impression from the conversation is that she is struggling with wanting to be with me and doing what she believes Jehovah really wants from her.

    I know that I need to be careful and guard my heart.

    “Do everything within your power to save her. But if she doesn’t want to listen, if she's too far down the line, then let her be for a while. “

    “She'll know you love her unconditionally. This is not something that she'll EVER experience inside the organization. She may be back in your arms before you know it!”

    I like the let her be for a while if necessary idea. I don’t want to be dumb and turn her off by pressuring her. Via our conversation today I know that she knows that I love her unconditionally. I don’t think that she has had an encounter to let her see that she will not experience true love from inside the organization. Yes, she may come back to be, but I’m preparing my heart for the worse, just in case.

    “Make no mistake, this is a very delicate procedure, not to be undertaken like a bull in a china shop. Sometimes the best action is no-action.”

    Yeah, this whole situation is tittering on an edge. The no-action phase may come into play.

    “Am I the only one who thinks this is more about her than about the dubs? The circumstances you describe amounts to a pretty flimsy, but highly original, excuse for breaking off a 10-year relationship.”

    You could be right, but if that’s true then I don’t know her at all. On a personal level, separate from the JWs, this would be totally out of character for her. I know anything is possible but I prefer not to go there unless I see that that is just the way it is.

    “Even if she chose to come back, do you want to be in a relationship where a third party rules the roost? “
    “As painful as this experience is, this may be your opportunity to think about the kind of love relationship you really want and then seek out and develop a more adult relationship with another woman - a woman who is not enticed by anyone or anything else.”

    Heck no, I don’t want to feel subservient to an invisible rival in my home. If I have to think about another relationship, it will only be after I’ve given this situation my best shot. And even then it will take a while because I won’t even consider being with someone else because of the depth of the loss of this relationship.

    “If you think you have a real chance at saving her, go for it, but be prepared for heartache and disappointment.”

    Yep, this is pretty much where I’m at right now.

    Tired of the Hypocrisy
    “She will be told that leaving you is God's will and she will be rewarded with a more spiritual person for a marriage mate.”

    Wow, this is a heavy one! Not that I’m not familiar with this sacrifice idea. But if this is the case it would be out of character for her to think of being with someone in the future right now.

    “Do what everybody else does in a situation like this and fake a conversion. In a few years, show her your concerns and tell her why you feel the way you do. She'll listen to you more since you're the "Head of the household" (TM) rather than you just being a fiancee.”

    At first I laughed out loud when I read this, but as crazy as it may sound I think that it would work. But what do I do with my beliefs for a couple of years. I really have a hard time being a fake.

    “Sorry dude, your relationship is over, She is in deep.”

    I know I’m crazy, but I’m a very positive person. I set my sights high and give it my best before I give up. If things become black-and-white, there’s no way it’s going to work, then I let it go. But your right, she’s in deep.

    “Now, why the fluck has she not tried to get you in this paradise place? Seems that would have been #1 on her list if she felt the same about you BTW. Hate to go there but it kind of popped out at me.......this is not STANDARD PROCEDURE either.”

    She was hoping that I would follow along with her. She made that clear when she was telling me that she couldn’t talk to me. She said that she was fooling herself that things would work out, that I would believe what she believed. But you know, having had the conversation today let me know that her love for me is still really strong. It may be that she still has hope.

    Tell me more about the details of what exactly the formal rules and procedures are concerning a situation like ours. I really need to know the official policy.

    “Oompa is right, SOP would be to try to make you guys get married. Could she have met someone she is interested in that is a JW?”

    Please help with the official SOP stuff. It’s not something that at all would be like her to be interested in someone else considering our conversation today. She’s a lot like me about finding it hard to be a fake.

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    Say Reekster, I notice you didn't mention your AGE. I'm going to guess that you're under 25, and you've been in this "relationship" since Junior High School. How close am I?

    It amazes me that you can't understand that you have been DUMPED, and now you're volunteering for the position of doormat.

  • Rabbit

    reekster, Welcome !

    You've got 'a tough row to hoe', as the saying goes. I wish I could be more optimistic about your situation, but, to does not look like you will have much of a happy future with her, if she persists as a JW.

    This religion has cost me a lot. I was married over 25 yrs. to a very faithful JW. At some point, I started seeing the lies, false prophecies, the high control and the 'put-on' "love" & hypocrisy among the members. I slowly stopped going to meetings and started asking "dangerous questions" to my wife and the elders. Eventually...she got the idea I must be "under the influence of demons" and was "spiritually dangerous" to her and our children.

    We are now divorced and most of my kids and other JW family still shun me for being "inactive" and "a possible apostate". I have never even been disfellowshipped. At some point, a 'good' JW will be pressured to stay away, at any cost, from anybody that could be a "bad" influence (according to WT rules). If they don't 'shun' & stay away...that same punishment will be hung around their necks, until they die or 'come back into the fold.'

    It's been a painful journey. However, a few years later I met & married a truly sweet woman. We are very, very happy.

    Only you can decide, but, the writing may already be on the wall...this relationship just may not have a happy future. I know that will hurt, but, not nearly as much if you end up having children with her, build up a life...and then have it end.

    What if one of your children (or wife) ever has to get a blood transfusion ? You will try to save your kids life, your wife backed by the WT will try to sacrifice your child to their god Jehovah.

    I'm very familiar with that issue. My mom's JW beliefs about blood transfusions killed her. The Watchtower had convinced her, that if she sacrificed her life, refusing a transfusion, god would be happy ..."smile down on her."

    You see how very dangerous this cult really is...?

    I wish the best for you and her.

    Rabbit (Of the 'been there done that' class)

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