It went much better than I thought... well no one said I didn't have an anxiety disorder...
Dr. Psychiatrist asked many questions, I loved the first one. "Why are you here today?" with this puzzled look on his face... Jesus Fing Christ!
I came to explain why I stopped some of my meds.
Nod
The Imipramine was prescribed for bedtime, I took it and upon waking in the morning I was greeted by a very high blood pressure pulse of 130. I don't need heart attacks or panic attacks. Goodbye Imipramine.
The Wellbutrin caused excessive anxiety and edginess, making me a wreck by each evening for several weeks, compelling me to pop multiple tablets of Alprazolam at a time, over what you prescribed for me. When I was on the Cipralex SSRI I had no need to take the Xanax, but as soon as I switched to Wellbutrin I did.
As for the Xanax, as I said, as soon as I stopped taking the Wellbutrin my feeling compelled to use it subsided, since I know its highly dependant forming being a benzodiazepine, harder than opiates in some instances, I weaned myself off of them.
What are you on now then?
Just Ritalin.
What does that do for you?
It calms me down and allows me to not care too much about my baseline anxiety, allows me to concentrate and reduces my impulsivity (the core issue of my borderline/ADHD tendencies) which is freakin' Jehovah sent shit man.
Do you use street drugs? (by the way most of these questions are second or third time runs...)
No, not regularly. I sometimes smoke some cannabis to relieve tension and anxiety.
What does it do for you?
Pretty much the same as Ritalin, which is why I don't feel addicted to it or other substances while I'm on Ritalin. It calms me, allows me to relax, distracts my mind, slows it down so I'm not racing. Improves concentration and self-esteem. As you know someone with prefrontal cortex issues will try to calm their mind down anyway possible.
What did the Cipralex [SSRI] do for you?
Im not sure [I was high for 3 weeks solid on Cannabis while taking it], but I now it relieved most of my anxiety because I never had any panic attacks and I was getting them frequently prior to commencing treatment with it. It cause too many side effects though.
Like what?
Complete sexual dysfunction. Elaboration. No desire, No ability, No satisfaction. I think thats the longest period of time since I was 5 or 6 years old (hehe) that I didn't have any sexual release.
You need one of these anti-depressants because your main problem is anxiety and depression. These are very effective for that.
Nod.
SUPPORT WORKER: Tell him about your suicide ideation.
Yeah, I get suicidal for a few days, it goes away, then it comes back again. No biggie...
Okay, I'm going to keep you on Ritalin. I want to try you on Remeron (TM) [upon my immediate research on getting home: Mirtazapine, a tetra-cyclic anti-depressant developed in 1996 with less anti-cholergenic effects of SSRIs such as sexual dysfunction and seretonergic side effects. It acts by agonising the chemicals that inhibit nonadrenalin and selective seretonin reuptake] Main side effects include drowsiness, sedation, increased appetite and weight gain...joy, but it is indicated to help OCD, PTSD, and GAD, all of which I have been diagnosed with] this will help you with your anxiety and stabalise your moods (my borderline problems) [you hope...] and give you a healthy appetite.
SUPPORT WORKER: Are you willing to work with Dr. *******?
Yes. Nod. Yes. Nod. Yes.
Nod.
Many thanks receivethed and givethed by all parties.
I am thankful that he didn't put me on any anti-pyschotics for my borderline, because I would have flatly refused and that would have been the end of our doctor-patient relationship. I am thankful to continue with the Ritalin, I have a chance now at future productivity. I am just so worried about these other seretonergic and adrenergic affecting chemicals, I get the worst side effects from them. On the Cipralex SSRI, in addition to the sexual side effects, I got sleep disturbances (requiring me to get up at 4 in the morning and take a walk outside because my world was spinning and my heart was pounding, nightmares among others...) but I'm willing to give this one another try, as I said they are a new class of anti-depressant referred to as NaSSCs tetra-cyclics (because of their 4 sided chemical makeup, compare to tricyclics) that are supposed to have the same efficacy as SSRIs with less ADR profiles.
A sigh of relief.
Today was my first group therapy session in a program called "Stress, Assertive, Relaxation." Seems great so far, the ciriculum is interesting and the Psycholoical Nurse and Counsellor are intelligent I can tell. I am the only male in the group of 10 and the youngest... my partner was a nice older lady named Jane, we got along pretty good. I can tell there is so much I do need to learn from it. If I can pay attention and not miss important details, there is a lot of information to take in and my mind has to stop and start thinking about it and 5 things its related to... ADHD... its a 12 week program.
On Friday I start individual therapy, looking forward to it.
Many heartfelt thanks for your love and concern everyone. Just yesterday in an altered state of consciousness I began to feel a part of this "community" here on JWD.