Recovery of an Adult Convert (Excluded from Christmas)

by lonelysheep 26 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  lonelysheep

  On my previous thread, I wrote about reconnecting with my family:
  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/146360/1.ashx

  Too little, too late, I sadly admit.

  Holidays, specifically Christmas, were always special for us since we were able to all be together. Of course, I completely stopped that when I started studying with the jw's.

  I intended to go to my grandmother's house on Christmas. The day of my grandfather's funeral, just about a month prior to xmas, in fact, one of my cousins and I said spoke and agreed that we should go there that day so we could all be together.
  
  On Christmas, my brother, our two cousins and their spouses/significant others met at my grandmother's house to take her to dinner with other family members. I was purposely left out of the plans. My brother left me a message on xmas eve stating he was taking her to an aunt's house and was not sure what time they'd be back. I wasn't invited, I took it. $hitty, but I'll deal with it. But the day after xmas, I spoke to my grandmother who said she thought for sure she'd see me on Christmas. She then went on to say that each of the grandkids (minus me) came to her house w/their partners and kids, and as a surprise to her, they would all be travelling together to my aunt's house.

  So, I thought my family was happy to see me, but the opposite is true. They must've saved face for the sake of the funeral. I had always felt like the outcast, being the only one not involved in sports and the only one who was put down my entire life by everyone, while the others were backed by love and support from everyone. Now, though, I know I'm outed for good. It's done. Any connection that might have remained, I destroyed for that damn imaginary character in the sky and a non-life appreciating group of people based out of Brooklyn, NY.

  I feel numb and am done thinking they love me. No excuses, only reality. I am moving on.

  Thanks for reading.
  
  
  ~L

  Shared DNA does not necessarily equate to family.
• 

  minimus

  Lonelysheep, I'm sorry to read of this. Having met you, I thought you were a delightful person. Too bad for them. Their loss.
• 

  RisingEagle

  Shared DNA does not necessarily equate to family.

  Very true. There are people I've met that would walk across hot coals to just to share my company and then I have bio family members that wouldn't expectorate in my direction if I were on fire. I've found that my true 'family' is made up of those that love without boundries.

  I am so terribly sorry that you have had to go through that. I wish you the very best.
• 

  lonelysheep

  Thanks, Min & Rising Eagle.
• 

  yknot

  I am sorry that you were snubbed.

  Since I am an optimist though I see you having the chance to make good and be included next year!

  Make sure you send out B-Day cards and presents this year maybe even plan a B-Day celebration, send out cards for all other holidays too. Start sending emails about what you are doing now that you are out of the JWs. Include them in your life and eventually one of them will start to include you in theirs.

  Remember it was small calculated steps that drew you away from your family and into the JWs (ie indoctrination) and it will take the same type of steps back to your family.

  Many Blessing in the New Year!
• 

  changeling

  ((((((((((((((((((lonelysheep)))))))))))))))))))

  What your family did WAS really shitty!

  Is there anyway you could speak to them and get this out in the open? Perhaps there's some misunderstanding causing "bad blood" that you are not aware of. If everyone lays their issues out on the table perhaps fences could be mended and wounds could heal.

  Please give it one more try. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

  changeling
• 

  mrsjones5

  At least your grandmother wanted to see you. Go to your grandmother on your own...forget the others.

  Josie
• 

  Hortensia

  if it's worth it to you, yknot's advice is very good. If you want to be reunited with your family it will probably take time. Also, you could have called your brother and asked him right out if you were invited and tell him you wanted to be there. I'm sorry you feel so bad - I've been feeling a lot of rejection lately myself so I know how it sucks. I hope it works out for you and your family, especially between you and your grandmother.
• 

  primitivegenius

  ive heard it said before.......... there are people who you will consider family.......... the ones that really matter to you.............. all the rest are just relatives............ you share dna and thats about the best thing that can be said about them.....

  i think the advice about sending birthday cards out and christmas cards would be a worthwile thing to do......... but i wouldnt only buy presents for the important people. who knows what they were thinking but maybe it will make them get their heads out of their a$$es....... if not then screw em and ink them in the relative column
• 

  whyizit

  Just read your post. Sorry to hear that Christmas wasn't so merry for you.

  You know, from a person who has never been a JW, yet has had contact with many people who (like me) have family or friends within the WT, I might be able to offer you a different perspective on this.

  Those of us who have been ridiculed by our JW friends and family at every opportunity, especially on the holidays, sometimes decide to forego the speaches about how evil and pagan our celebrations are. We simply decide not to invite or discuss it at all with the JWs in our lives. We get to the point that we don't know if it will offend our JW loved one, so we simply quit asking. We also feel hurt that they think we are having orgies and drunk-fests when we gather for holidays.

  If you have just recently exited the JWs, then they may think you are going through a phase. That you may jump back in at any moment, then attack them later for actually including you in what you previously believed was satanic.

  Those of us on the outside are so used to being chastised and criticised by JWs, that we get a little head shy. We learn some of the buttons not to push, and so we don't. Holidays are a big button! Wise cracks about the Christmas tree, speaches about heads being cut off on birthdays, ...you know! We learn to avoid the whole deal, just so we can maintain a relationship INSPITE of a loved one's WT involvement.

  Maybe your relatives are trying to be respectful. They just don't "get" what is now acceptable to you. Outsiders usually aren't aware of the insider WT doctrines. They may think you have left the religion, but perhaps they think you still believe that holidays are evil. Most people have changed churches at one time or another, which doesn't necessarily mean they have also changed beliefs. Most don't know that JWs are required to believe everything the WT says without question. (That floored me! I didn't realize JWs have no choice. They can't say, "I believe this and this, but I'm not convinced of that one! I'll have to study the Bible for myself and see what I come up with.") I knew that most JWs don't celebrate Christmas, but I didn't think it was required. I was shocked when my Christmas-loving friend all of the sudden was telling me not to get her gifts, and how wrong Christmas is, blah, blah, blah.....I don't mention it anymore. I don't invite her to my parties, because I get quizzed about if it is a "Christmas" party, etc... which leads to her schpeel about how bad it is, so why bother? It just creates a rift between us.

  You need to clarify to your loved ones that you see nothing wrong with celebrating holidays, and that you wish to be included from now on. And understand that they may still be a little hesitant to extend the invitations. As much as you were once convinced holidays were wrong, they are that convinced that you may still believe it. And they don't want to be the ones accused of making you fall off the wagon! Inviteyourself for awhile. Once they see you are serious, then you will be included more than you can imagine. These people may not understand what you are going through, but they truly do love you. Invite yourself!

  JWs educate their non-JW relatives and friends very well when it comes to these external types of things. You taught them NOT to invite you. They learned the lesson well. Now you need to reteach them to INCLUDE you. Otherwise, they simply won't. Not out of malice, but out of respect. They are trying not to offend you.