DIsfellowshipping without a meeting with you

by myababes 15 Replies latest jw experiences

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  myababes

  Hi there I have only signed up on here a couple of days ago after 8 years of being left. I have always read the posts along the way but have never had the courage to join in till now I suppose it shows I must be moving along.

  I was brought up in the truth but never ever believed it even from a young age. I so hated being different standing out from everyone else especially going out on the ministry. But I had a family that was so strong, mum devoted, sister a special pioneer. and brother a pioneer and elder fron a very young age. The only one that was really an ali was my dad who only went along to keep the peace and please my mum who he adored. Iwas always considered the rebellious one always wanting to fit in with friends hated being different. I threatened so many times in my teens I was going to leave but just didn'thave the guts because I didn't want to lose my family .

  It all culminated in me being DF for being pregnant at 21. was told I was being DF as an example to all the other young ones!!!!. Don' t think they would get away with that one now. My hubby and I got married quickly cos he wasn't DFonly reproved and they said they wouldn't announce it till after we had married so that he wouldn't get in trouble for marrying a DF person. The elders told us they would give us 6 months and we would be seperated it wouldn't last. How pathetic was that and it did wonders for my self esteem. My sister wrote me a letter and said she loved me but not to contact her again until I was reinstated my bro was not quite as bad sent me some money and at least did call occasionally. My mum tried hard to follow suit but I was her youngest and we were close so tended to bend the rules a little and went along with my dad saying there was no way he was going to ignore me and they did help out a lot whilst I was pregnant.

  You would think that that would have been my opportunity to escape but did I? NO. I threw myself back into the meetings because I so desperately loved my family and didn't want to loose them. Why I was DF and hubby wasn't I will never know but here I was 7 months pregnant with our "immorality" on show and people would come up and talk to him but completely blank me.I felt so low and was desperate to be back in among the fold I felt so lonely. I never missed a meeting cos I knew I had to prove myself went to the bloody assembly when I was over my due date just to be completely ignored. I realise now that is the way they want you to feel to be so dependent on them. Was eventually reinstated just after my daughter was born But was so unhappy, so young knew I had made a big mistake in going back in but felt I was on a rollercoaster unable to stop.

  It then took me 25 years to get to the state I am now. Been married all that time (it did last and is still going strong). We both drifted away about 8 years ago, Hubby had made elder "status" but we decided enough was enough when they tried to interfere in the way we were bringing up our children. We were not going to let them have the same hangups as teenagers as I did. I bitterley regret making them miss out on the normal things kids have in growing up just like I did but am pleased to say they are pretty normal now and dont hold any grudges. I can honestly say that we have never been happier it has been the best times of our lives. You don't realise that the pressure they put you under to conform and do thing s there way until you are out.

  Which brings me to the point of my question. Can the elders disfellowship you after so many years even if they don't meet with you? Since we left we have really thrown ourselves into a "worldly life" celebrating xmas birthdays etc. I also started smoking (I know I shouldn' but its just one of those things, me being rebellious again.) Have they got the power to do this to me after so many years? I know they Know I smoke and do the other things, but have never bothered me about it. I am just terrified of going through all that with my family again have got a good relationship with my bro and sister though they are still strong even though my mum and dad are dead. They dont know we do any of those things cos they live away they dont know and I play the dutiful little sister when I am with them. They think that although we haven't gone for a lot of years that i still live like a JW but just don't go to meetings. If thats what it takes to keep close to them then thats what I do.But I am so terrified that them lot could come and completely mess my relationship with them for a second time.

  Any advice would be very welcome.

  Sorry for rabbiting on but I don't know who else to ask about things like this
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  AlmostAtheist

  Hey Mya,

  They certainly CAN do it, but unless you show that you still consider yourself to be a JW, they aren't supposed to come after you, ala witchhunt. Do you still attend meetings now and then? If so, that would be enough for them to consider you a target.

  Do they have anything on you? Two witnesses to the smoking, that kinda thing?

  They can DF you without meeting with you, but they would likely try to contact you first and TRY to meet with you. If you refuse to go, they'll DF you.

  Good luck! And thanks for posting!

  Dave
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  mkr32208

  Yes.... After my wife and i left they made some sort of announcement about her. I assume she was died but we were never contacted or informed. My mother told us later that she heard some sort of announcement had been made.
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  BluesBrother

  They are obliged to meet you and invite to a judicial committee meeting, if you refuse to attend then they can d/f anyway - but tell you before the announcement.

  However, If it were deemed that you had disassociated from the Org. By saying that you are no longer Witnesses, or seen to vote or perhaps have Christmas decorations evident, then they can simply announce that you are "No longer Witessess" and effect is the same.

  Your story reminds me of a girl who attended our Hall when she was d/f'd . She was pregnant and had the baby during the time . She protested her repentance all the time and was duly reinstated . We never saw at the Hall after that . Her family were close knit and she needed reinstatement to be able talk to her Mum again . I'll bet she would say the same things as you do..Welcome to the board..
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  Sparkplug

  myababes~Hi, Nice to meet you. I hate to say it, but yet. I can and does happen. I know that the second time I was disfellowshipped, I found out after it was announced. (That sounds pretty funny to me now) I had talked to the elders and they said they were going to call back and talk to me a week from that day. When that day came and they did not call, I called my mom to figure out what to do. She informed me she could not talk to me because it had been announced at the meeting that I was disfellowshipped. I thought to myself that that sure was odd.

  I also was such a mouse and did not raise a stink and just accepted it and got angry but instead of changing anything I was doing as I had intended on doing, I threw myself into what trouble I was into more. Years later I did call and question one of the elders about it. Amazingly the story had changed. I was told something to the effect that I showed signs of not changing my course at all and no signs of repentance. The funny thing is I seem to recall being very scared the first time I spoke to them, not saying much (via telephone) and open to speaking to them again. In fact I was open to help and possibly changing my course of action. I found it very tidy how they wrapped it up and DF'ed me via long distance and did not even tell me. They did not even bother trying to help me.

  Pretty much the elders can do what they want for who they want.
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  machoman

  It's sad to hear you have like so many had a bad experience. It is the belief of Jehovah's Witnesses that God is a God of love. Therefore, the elders as shepherds of God have an obligation to show you lover and tender care. Do not be afraid of the elders they are only men. The congregation is human and even though it does it's best it makes mistakes.I hope you can work this out.
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  Sparkplug

  obligation to show you lover

  Machoman...I think we all have seen enough of the elders trying to show us enough lover. lol

  I think you are a bit confused if you think any of us are AFRAID of them. I cannot speak for all of us here, but I know for sure this is one gal that lost all fear a long time ago. They are only human and that became all too clear. It should be quite clear to you too with all the child molestation coverups being revealed. They are not gods tool for anything. Furthermore, for many of us, they made gods nonexistance clear. Or at least clouded the lines of faith in one.
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  OnTheWayOut

  Have they got the power to do this to me after so many years? I know they Know I smoke and do the other things, but have never bothered me about it. I am just terrified of going through all that with my family again have got a good relationship with my bro and sister though they are still strong even though my mum and dad are dead. They dont know we do any of those things cos they live away they dont know and I play the dutiful little sister when I am with them. They think that although we haven't gone for a lot of years that i still live like a JW but just don't go to meetings. If thats what it takes to keep close to them then thats what I do.But I am so terrified that them lot could come and completely mess my relationship with them for a second time.

  Your question cannot easily be answered. They CAN DF without your presence, but their
  rules tell them they should try to invite you to the procedure.

  They often don't go after people that have been gone for years, but they can do it if they
  think there's a good reason- one reason might be that you still have contact with JW's
  like your brothers and sisters or others.

  They could also just say that you disassociated somehow. They can write something
  about interfaith and celebrating holidays and never have to invite you to a procedure.
  The announcement is the same for DA or DF- "Myababe is no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses."
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  shell69

  As I have previosuly here, all any of us can do is express our opinions/ They came after me ;being a fader for about 18 months followed by non attendance for a further 18 months.

  If you rock the dub boat they will; in my experience come after you.

  You fade quietly into the background they'll probablly leave you alone; like the ex pioneer sister from Manchester Farnworth Cong, who smoked that much she got an obviouls throat cancer. However recieves a warm welcome when she attends the memorial annually and everyone turns a blind eye to her mashed up, scarred face!

  However you try and fade, and when your asked why you'r fading you reply that its al the peodos you know while you sit at the assembly,and then proceed to inform tham that you know of a 'member who is all singing and dancing' , but you also have evidence that that person has been sleeping in the same bed as her m.s. ELDON TYLER ROBERTS ( SO SUE ME!!!, YOU KNOW ITS TRUE) boyfriend from Colwyn Bay.

  YOU MAKE TOOOOO MUCH NOISE THEY'LL HAVE YOU OUT

  Bar stewards the lot of them.

  APOLOGIES>> HAVING A RANT phewwwwww.

  Shell69
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  flipper

  Hello and welcome to the board. they usually won't come after you if you have not attended for quite awhile, however that is all dependent on what your family members who are still in do with any information they may know about you ,doing something not in line with the organization. I had my youngest daughter and my ex-wife of 9 years try to falsely turn me in for " circumstantial fornication ", and I had been not attending for 4 years. I fought it, and they overturned the DFing decision, so I could still talk with my aged parents , but it sucked 10 months out of my life !

  I would make sure that your witness family members are more committed to their relationship with you and hubby than the Jehovah's Witnesses organization before releasing any relevant information to them which would get you DFed . Make sure they won't squeel on you .Good luck, Peace out, Mr. Flipper