How long did you blame yourself before you realised.......

jambon1

.....that it simply wasn't the truth?

I never really felt spiritual as a JW. I knew that I should feel like a spiritual person, but couldn't work out why I never did.

How many times did you say;

"Am I doing something wrong. I'll bet that no-one else feels like me"

"Maybe I need to stop watching so much TV & study more"

"Is it because I don't go on service much. Maybe if I do more I will feel spiritual"

"I don't feel like I have a relationship with god when I am praying. It must be that I am bad"

I went through all these questions and lots more. I suppose it was easier for me to blame myself than actually deal with my doubts & where that would take me.

I got so far behind on reading hte magazines I didn't know if I could ever catch up. Mix that with believing that I wasn't studying enough and didn't have the "pioneer spirit".

Amazing how you can be going to four activities a week (3 meetings & field service) for this religion and still think you are not doing enough.

Jim_TX

Well... I'm not sure about the questions, but I felt that I just wasn't 'good enough' to be a JW.

I took myself away from the organization - feeling that I might be a bad influence on the rest of the 'good' folks that went to the meetings, etc.

Was I bad? Naw... I realized this later. I wasn't doing anything 'wrong'... but the stuff they 'feed' ya at those meetings made me feel that way.

So - I wasn't DFed - I didn't DA... I just evaporated into thin air. They tried once or twice to 'talk' to me... once the Circuit O. stopped by with one of the elders.

I just stayed away. Glad I did, too.

It wasn't until I googled 'Jehovah's Witnesses in about 1999 or 2000 that I realized there were a lot of other folks out there in similar circumstances.

Regards,

Jim TX

AWAKE&WATCHING

I started studying with JW's when I was 21. Up until then I felt like I couldn't do anything "good enough" because my alcohlic father was verbally abusive.

At first the love bombing made me feel loved, appreciated even worthy. It didn't take long to start feeling unworthy and not good enough again though. I felt that way for 28 years. All my fault.

This forum has made me feel more human and normal than I have ever felt in my life.

Today I'm just wondering what normal even is, not good enough I understand completely.

Younglove1999

I have the same response as drew-

I always felt like if I could only do more- I wouldn't allow myself the "luxury" of pursing other activities like working out, reading a good book, or taking up a hobby because I wasn't "feeling spiritual" in the first place so if I was going to invest time into anything it SHOULD be the "truth"- I even quit school thinking I should put all that energy I spent into being a good student into the "truth" and it still never helped me feel better about myself-

Even now my mom's is trying to convince me that the reason i'm not "weak" is because I probably need to study more- I can't seem to convince her that I feel stronger than I ever have before because I'm finally doing what makes me happy-

Emma

A very long time. Getting out was a process of many years. Even after finding this site it took reading "Crisis of Conscience" to finally learn the truth and let go.

CHILD

I felt like I needed to study more and engage in field service more. Many tried to make me feel inferior because all of my family members were "worldly" and I was a single mom for many years. I even distrusted those I regarded as too religious. I felt this way for many years and learned to guard my tongue.

Gringa

For me? Never - I never felt that way.

But, as far as my crazy mom is concerned - I never felt that I lived up to HER expectations of me - I couldn't study enough, worship Jehovah enough, etc., for HER

oompa

Got so sick of hearing about "close personal relationship with Jehovah" and of course the way to have that is......... prayer, personal study, meeting attendence, and field service.............the fantastic four!! The cure for ALL that ails you....I figured he would not let me get close as long as I was spanking the monkey.................................................oompa

BIG D

apparently we all felt the same on that one, i always felt guilty about everything back then, then one day in my late teens, i said pshhhhhhh, and i did everything i never did, had a bad rep for a while.

big d