It's very hard for me to type these words - just as it was when I first knew I didn't believe in the WTS and Jehovah anymore.
I have a huge ball in the throat, my stomach refuses to settle down, I feel like vomitting, crying, wretching, heaving. When I first left the truth my self-esteem plummeted. I thought to myself, "my wife would be better off with another man - someone she can go to the meetings with, someone she can go out in service with." But I got over that, partially in thanks to some comments posted here when I spoke about it. Someone said, don't even think about it - it will kill you.
A few days ago I learned that my wife (who still goes to meetings and so forth) has/had a "crush" on a man in the Hall. In her own words, she became obsessed with him. She avoided him whenever at the meetings, but was still drawn to him and felt comforted by his presense. He was the only one who treated her like she wasn't "weird," asking her where I was and giving awkward stares. Something about his eyes attracted her, as well as his firm handshake. It was this very man who fleetingly entered my mind a year ago - the man I briefly thought she would be better off with. That was my lowest moment when I was leaving the truth. And now I'm forced to relive that moment. Except now I know its actually possible.
A couple of months ago he left the country and went to a place where my wife has always wanted to go. She told him before he left that "he was living her dream." I'm not too sure how big of a factor it is that I'm no longer in the truth. Would she still be attracted to this man if I were in?
She tried to forget him during this entire past year. She said she drank martinis every night so she wouldn't have to feel her reality. He is everything she would have wanted. So now she has to find a way to be happy with me.
What can I do? I've tried to be a good man at home. I work hard to give her what I think would make her happy. Maybe I'm not as present as she would like. I come home from work and need my queit time, sometimes ignoring her when she talks, as I sit in my chair. I know I'm a good man. Has she lost sight of my passion? What causes her to be so unhappy with me? What causes her happiness to hang on a thread, and tip over, whenever he comes back into her life?
We talked late into the night lastnight. What it came down to was this: would she be able to be happy with me knowing I cannot giver her religious companionship? If we glossed all this over, had children, and looked back at 20 years, would she view this time as a missed opportunity for real happiness?
The past couple of days have been surreal. I see myself walking toward the door, telling her to go and see if he'll take her in, to be happy with him and forget about the last 5 years she's spent with me. That I had thought we were doing fine, I thought we were happy, but now I realize you were in much pain and agony over your love for him. But you really weren't happy and tried to distract yourself from your circumstances. But me and my household can't serve as your distraction.
I don't feel any less affection for you. But where I once felt overwhelimingly grateful to have you as my companion and friend, I feel sorrow now. We've both lost something. Should I assume crushing pain to give you up? Would it mean you feel less pain?
Now is one of those moments when I'm afraid to act or say anything - our lives hang precipitously, will they fall together or fall away?