Just an update, my wife has already turned down marriage counselling, and only wants help from our dear elders. She has already ran to the elders, turning me in for being at JWD very shortly after I first found the site.
Early in my fade and posting here, I was PM'ing back and forth with Garybuss. He was helping me
to see that I had a trust issue in my marriage. We totally trusted each other until I started leaving
WTS behind me. Then I expected my wife would turn me in for apostasy if she found the books or
websites I was looking at.
I had talks with the wife. I still don't go on JWD in front of her, and I don't leave the apostate books
out. I speak openly when I need to, but I don't do anything blatent. You could call that compromise
or you could call that "Me caving in." Either way, she knows and appreciates that I am there for her,
and I know she's not looking to spy for the elders. She knows I look at anti-JW things, but doesn't ask
what they are.
If she did violate my trust, I would want marriage counselling before the marriage was over. If she refused,
I would go on my own. I am not saying the marriage would not be over if she refused. I am saying that
I would go to counselling and invite her along, but go regardless to see if a professional can help me, or
if the advice won't stop me from pursuit of a divorce.
I remember your saying she turned you in. I understand you have frustration in the position you are in.
I don't make suggestions like, "Read my short post, do what I say, everything will work out." NO, it's
way more to deal with than a simple thread can solve it.
Oompa, I am not going to a therapist right now either. I am not fully committed to sharing my problems
with someone who will dwell on my marriage and my insecurities and my relationship with my mother.
But if I cannot hold it together, I will go to one. I will let him explore insecurities and trust issues and
my relationship with my mother.
Other than that, there are times when the fade doesn't work. Perhaps yours is the case. Perhaps not.
You might need to be alone away from your wife. Be sure, though, about that. Just as a fade ended is
permanently ended, a marriage ended typically is permanently ended. Just be sure of what you want.
If you decide to go to a marriage counsellor without her, explain that you want a neutral professional
advisor, not someone who's primary interest is how it makes Jehovah or the congregation look to outsiders,
nor someone who will focus on your lack of spirituality, instead of marriage issues.
I am not where you are at. On a thread I started about my relationship to my wife, I was basically advised
to divorce her. That's terrible advice from strangers or part-time acquaintances. Friends can help, but they
should only help with YOUR decisions.
You definitely need some support system in place. If you don't have anyone but JW's in your family, then
you need to find some friends. If you have any close family that can understand, start there. Also, people
here will try to be there for you. You can PM me if you want to talk on the phone. I, or some others would
be happy to be there for you.
Just take a deep breathe and slow down before you do any rash "final" decision making. Be sure what you
want.
Edited to add: You might remember when I said I wasn't ready to meet you over coffee until I was sure you
were not a troll. Well, I live in Chicago. Other than distance, I am ready to meet you for coffee and chat.
