Talking to non-baptized teenagers about sex. Ideas sought.

by Open mind 36 Replies latest members adult

• 

  oompa

  When I spoke to my son about it not that long ago, I kept the conversation very brief. They do get nervous quick so I just said--- hey wanted to tell you something about masturbation. I know the WT lit says it wrong but you can check just about any reference book in the world and you will find it is totally NORMAL and dont you ever feel guilty about it, and you should never feel the need to talk to an elder about it. It's none of their damn business and its not even in the bible. In fact, even you really screw up some day dont ever take your chances on going to the brothers, cause they are imperfect and make mistakes. God makes final decisons anyway, and thats what counts. Just like David did not go running to the priests, it worked out, and God took care of it personally. Good night and I love you.

  oompa.....now that I have posted this thread will be locked down....I think its me hump
• 

  flipper

  Openmind, Mr. Flipper here. sounds like you are doin' a great job ! Sounds like you have a good relationship with your teenagers. I raised 3, now my son is 22, in college and on his own, my two girls 20 and 19 are still in the cult, married young. My son and I got out 4 years ago. I always was open with my kids about sex . Didn't talk about masturbation much though, as I agree with restrangled, your teens will discover their own bodies in their own time. It is personal , so let them deal with it. For me , I really don't want to know whether my kids were bopping off in the corner. I figured they probably were, but it was normal, so I never treated it as abnormal. My ex-wife, still a JW, made my son feel bad about being attracted to the opposite sex, and made him feel any good witness boys would not sneak a look at porn or whatever. But he moved in with me at 18 as we had been divorced since he was 13. So I took him under my care and he is the most respectful young man around girls you could think of. Has had a steady girlfriend over 2 years now. And yes we have talked very graphically about sex, now that he's an adult, very much. In a respectful informative way.

  I feel that when girls are teenagers the mother should discuss sexual things with them, and fathers should discuss it with their sons. That way , there would not be as much embarrassment and the teens will open up more I believe to the same sex parent. Just my opinion
• 

  serendipity

  Hi OM,
  I think your approach is good, if your kids will sit through the whole thing. My daughter leaves the room once I get started on any topics related to sex. So, I have to broach the subject in the car when she's a prisoner. ;-) Right now, I'm still preaching abstinence for her because of the consequences.
  
  How many of you actually had good communication with your parents about sex?
  We didn't have good communication on many things. Why would sex be any different?
  I was 9 when I started asking questions. Mom told me to get a book from the library. I learned the basic facts from a library book and more details from Cosmo.
  
  
  Honestly, I would've been embarrassed to discuss it with my parents, knowing that they were speaking from experience and I didn't want to think of my parents having sex. Also, my parents were so preachy, it was a turnoff.
  
  What worked?
  I was OK learning about sex from a book. It was less embarrassing.
  
  What was stupid?
  Nothing.
  
  What did you wish they had told you?
  They should have focused more on the emotional aspects and bonding that comes with sex, rather than just dismissing it as hormones run amok.
  
  What should they have left out?
  Mom sent mixed messages. Her message was "don't do it" but every once in a great while she'd say stuff like "a self-respecting girl would never do it in the backseat of a car. The guy can get a hotel room at the very least." "A woman who sleeps with more than 2 men is a slut". Dad made a comment in front of us about "swallowing" once. He could've refrained from that.
• 

  Open mind

  Scully:
  
  That site link was awesome! Now I know how to choke the chicken after all these years!
  
  ;-)
  
  Seriously, it was very well written for teens. Perfect.
  
  As for the Seinfeld episode, I don't think I ever saw that one. I'll have to look out for it.
  
  Abaddon said:
  
  "If I were a teenager being approached in the rather formal way you suggest would freak me out a bit."
  
  Yeah I think you're right. I think they'd need a couple drinks in them...... Just kidding!!
  
  My gut tells me that it may almost be a Universal Truth that PARENTS DON'T HAVE SEX. At least that's what most kids would prefer to think.
  
  New Question:
  
  Is there anyone here who isn't just a little bit creeped out by the thought of your parents making love? I'm kinda thinking that "Ewwwwww" is the majority opinion on this one.
  
  bigwilly said:
  
  "keeping communication open (tho not forced) should make a world of difference."
  
  Sounds good.
  
  BFD said:
  
  "LA, LA, LA, LA,"
  
  I'm beginning to see a pattern here.
  
  Side point: Did she have a clue as to your orientation when you had "the talk"? Just curious. Talk about wasted words.
  
  restrangled said:
  
  "How about leaving it alone.....its a private matter for each individual and exstremely embarassing to be brought up anywhere, anytime, or any HOW!"
  
  I hear where you're coming from. What did you think of Oompas approach? I'll get to it in a second. Also, the site Scully recommended was very respectful of those who would prefer not to discuss it or even of those who think masturbation is wrong.
  
  I'd leave it alone if it wasn't for the possibility of elders getting involved somewhere down the line because of my kids not realizing how the WT game is played.
  
  Oompa (loompa):
  
  I'm gonna make crib notes of your "get in, get out" mini-speech. Having heard all the other comments, I think you nailed it bro!
  
  flipper:
  
  Very balanced. You sure you were a JW?
  
  Serendipity said:
  
  "I have to broach the subject in the car when she's a prisoner. ;-) "
  
  LOL!
  
  also,
  
  "They should have focused more on the emotional aspects and bonding that comes with sex, rather than just dismissing it as hormones run amok."
  
  As they get older and the time is just right, one-on-one, maybe. We'll see.
  
  
  Thanks to everyone!
  
  
  If there's any more Dr. Ruths out there, Chime In!
  
  Open Mind
• 

  White Dove

  Masterbation? What is so dangerous and wrong about feeling good for a few seconds? I'm sure the kids will explain the concept to you Nothing bad ever comes from masterbation, so forget about it and just let it happen since there is not one single human that has never done it. There are much more important issue in life than worrying if Johnny is getting too much kicks. Be sure that if they are teens they have a condom in their pockets, not for planned use but rather like a band aid for just in case cases that do happen to some. All teens should carry them just in case. That is just responsible planning without planning to have sex. They are just planning to stay disease free. My kids carry them at all times even though they have no plans to have sex, just in case. No one should delude themselves and say that their kids wouldn't do it. Curious experimentation will happen whether you want it or not, and can lead to the real thing. Best be prepared.
• 

  White Dove

  Actually Ooompa,

  Girls get their periods a lot sooner than they used to. Best not wait until teen years to discuss sex with them. I am a very open person so any question asked of me always gets detailed answers depending on the situation. A grade schooler asking about sex should get the whole messy discussion right there and then because by teen years they can teach you! And some of the things they will say will not be right. Gotta catch 'em very young for their protection. Teens are way too late.
• 

  White Dove

  Sorry,

  I meant Mr. Flipper, not Ooompa. My bad
• 

  wizardca

  My sex ed outside of school was from an Achoo article. Mom read it over with me. Yeah that went over like a lead balloon. Would have been better to have said nothing.
• 

  Abaddon

  restrangled

  How about leaving it alone.....its a private matter for each individual and exstremely embarassing to be brought up anywhere, anytime, or any HOW!

  And where does parental reponsibility fit in? If a parent thinks teaching their son to clean under their foreskin is private or embaressing does that get them off the hook? Why is sex (as important to happiness and health as basic hygine) an exception to parental responsibility?

  Embaressment is social programming. It is a learned reaction. Only is you allow the cultural programming they get outside the house to rule and don't set your own standards does embaressment about sex get to a point where it stops communication.

  Open Mind

  My gut tells me that it may almost be a Universal Truth that PARENTS DON'T HAVE SEX. At least that's what most kids would prefer to think.

  Frankly a society where parents are meant to be shriveled up celebates and children are allowed to think like or that the idea of sex is icky or disgusting is just un-natural.

  If your kids know you have an enjoyable sex life. that you're not ashamed or embaressed by it, and that you're open to answering their questiuons and will supply information free of any spin, then they have a better role model for their adulthood and someone they can trust to talk to.

  My daughter is capable of saying 'Saturday lie-in' so that it is replete with meaning and not little humour.

  Is there anyone here who isn't just a little bit creeped out by the thought of your parents making love? I'm kinda thinking that "Ewwwwww" is the majority opinion on this one.

  Maybe if they're taught people who've been together for years still enjoy sex is a good thing they won't be so 'ewwwwwww'.

  Rational acceptence of fact is different from dwelling on your parents sex life and giving an asthetic opinion of it that is offensive. I don't think anyone does the latter, but the former is a good thing.

  We don't change what we eat because kids don't like vegetables - or we shouldn't. If you tolerate brocolli being reacted to with 'ewwwww' you'll have kids with bad manners and poor diets. And both sex and vegetables are part of a balanced diet!

  As regards sex education, by the time school is giving it to your kids you should have already taught them it.
• 

  Open mind

  White Dove said:

  What is so dangerous and wrong about feeling good for a few seconds?

  Thanks for your perspectives. Perhaps I've sent out an inaccurate message here. I've got no problem whatsoever with the kids pleasuring themselves. Unfortunately, we are still caught in the web of a religion that calls it a "secret sin". The question is whether or not to discuss it at all and if so, how. You also said:

  so forget about it and just let it happen since there is not one single human that has never done it.

  If I'm reading your comments correctly, it sounds like your advice is to not bring up masturbation unless they specifically ask about it? Is that right?

  wizardca:

  My sex ed outside of school was from an Achoo article. Mom read it over with me. Yeah that went over like a lead balloon.

  Sounds pretty uncomfortable. Thanks for sharing it. At least I know now what NOT to do.

  abaddon:

  My wife and I are in agreement with what you said. We've still got strong libidos and aren't ashamed about them. We don't make love in the living room, but the kids are fully aware that we have an active sex life that we both enjoy.

  The only thing left out, so far, is any discussion of masturbation.

  I'm thinking a quick, private comment from me along the lines of what Oompa said is probably best.

  Open Mind