What's reasonable to expect on a first date?

by serendipity 33 Replies latest social relationships

  • sass_my_frass

    I only ever met up with one guy who I'd met online, and that experience put me off (he was visibly disappointed as soon as he saw me!). My theory is that both parties talk themselves up slightly and assume that the other person hasn't. It's easy for me to build up a picture of somebody I have never met in person, and even though I have a lot of deep friendships with people I've met online I always assume that the way I imagine them is the way they are. That's not usually a problem unless they're a potential date. Anyway, back to you...

    Well, the date was a let down. He WAS smart, interesting and somewhat playful- as his emails suggested. But his actions suggested a lack of interest or enthusiasm about meeting or getting to know me. I don't know if he was trying to play it cool or if he is clueless.

    Re the logistics issues; don't take that personally. Some people just aren't in complete control of their day (and it's not the kind of thing you'd find out via email). He might not be able to organise his way out of a paper bag. It's not life-threatening but it's up to you whether you can tolerate it.

    I tried to steer the conversation to get him off that subject so I could find out more about HIM and his ex-wives and life.

    My first thought was that ex-wife conversations aren't really first date material. What did you think of the book he's writing?

    Is it unreasonable to expect a man to ask me about myself and have conversational equity, rather than have one person monopolize the conversation? of course I was monopolizing the listening i.e. not talking

    I agree; it really should be even. The problem might be that you don't actually have a lot of common interests, but that he was just pushing on to see what happened. My opinion is that it only takes a few minutes to work out whether you can get along with somebody; whether you have that 'instant connection'. I think that's mostly about having a similar sense of humour and level of intellect.

    I'm also attracted to compassion. There were two things that alerted me that he was deficient there: to punish his kids, he'd make them exercise until they cried.

    Oh yeah; ICK.

    Then he told me that he admired JWs because they disfellowship people so that there are fewer hypocrites in the religion. (yeah, right)

    oh, DOUBLE ICK.

    Ah who knows. I always thought that it doesn't hurt to know more people.

  • SnakesInTheTower


    I dont think it unreasonable at all. ..... so the fact that you went ahead and met him tells us that you at least gave the guy a chance....and 4 hours...that was plenty of time for him to redeem himself...and all he did was dig his own grave with you.

    Email him back and say ...thanks but no thanks....(just make sure to tell him why...maybe he can learn from it....)..and tell him to lose your # and email (unless you like listening to his stories!) ....and a classic case for getting a pre paid cell number and a disposable email address....

    SnakesInTheTower (of the "decent human being" Sheep Class)

    ps...oh, and I almost forgot...I think the guy should always pick up the tab on the date.... I do even if I am not dating the gal I am eating out with...but I appreciate if they ask to help out. Call me old fashioned....I like doing nice things for women.

  • nvrgnbk

    Everybody knows, if your date rants about themselves for more than 3 hours, it's a bad sign.

    2 1/2...no prob.

    3 is pushin' it.

    But 4? C'mon!

    Gotta laugh about this shit, Ser.

  • eclipse

    I'm so sorry Serendipity!

    I'm with the others here....trust your gut!

    BB said what I was thinking:

    I'm also attracted to compassion. There were two things that alerted me that he was deficient there: to punish his kids, he'd make them exercise until they cried. Then he told me that he admired JWs because they disfellowship people so that there are fewer hypocrites in the religion. (yeah, right)
    Everything else was pretty much standard, and not a deal-killer and could be chalked up to nerves, etc. But the two issues above are serious red-flags.

    Those would be serious red flags for me too. Anyone who likes to make children cry, or who is so stupid so as to think that DF'ing is a good thing, would not get a second chance. That's just me.

  • AllTimeJeff

    This guy is a loser.

    I have made a deal with myself when I date. Because I do believe in chemistry and that you can't manufacture a friend or a lover, I agreed within myself that I would go home alone if it was obviously apparant to both of us that we are a good fit. It is hard when I don't want to be alone. But until I know I can trust my gut on a women, why would I put myself out for someone who won't meet my needs? Think about it, with your girlfriends, is it that hard to see who you will get along with and who you want to spend time with? Same applies in dating, imo.

    This guy believes that DF'ing is the way to go? Throw him back into the shallow waters he comes from.

  • bluebell

    based solely on his idea of discipline and what he thinks of disfellowshipping i would say no. as for talking for 4 hours - i unfortunatley have done this out of nerves, ask free2think!

  • serendipity

    Thanks for all the replies!

    I'm finding lack of conversational skills to be quite common. I guess I'm going to have to just say "Let's talk about me now." and "What would you like to know about me?" or something like that next time I'm with a "talkative" guy. I have to wonder if there's a way to communicate to a guy how I would know he's interested in me, and that if I don't perceive interest or enthusiasm, then I'm not interested in seeing him again. I also have to wonder if there's a way to weed these guys out before I go on dates. Hmmm, maybe a topic for another time....

    Answers to some of the questions/comments y'all posed:

    Wolfie: A single guy in a convent? That's trouble. ;-)

    WAC: the thought of ONE more date repulses me. There's no way I could go on 2 more.

    Finally Free: No, he isn't a computer geek. He's a salesman. He should really have some insight into human behavior from sales training.

    MeneMene/BizzyBee/Eclipse/bluebell : Yes, I was quite revolted by his admission of discipline tactics and agreement with df'ing. Too bad that came up late in the conversation.

    Sweetstuff: I knew he married young and was in the Army. I know both situations cause high divorce statistics so two divorces weren't a red flag until I could hear why he was divorced. He told me why, and I think his self-absorbed behavior was probably a contributing factor to both.

    BFD: At least you have a GOOD bad date story to tell. ;-) Mine wasn't bad enough to be a good story.

    Soledad: I gave the guy plenty of hints and several times tried to steer the conversation to me, but he ignored it.

    SAss My Frass: I actually asked this guy if I looked like my pics or was guilty of false advertising. He said that I did look like my pictures. I wasn't really interested in the ex wives so much as why he was divorced. I know that it's PC to avoid that topic and if it comes up, downplay or evade answering those kind of questions on the first date. But I always ask anyway. I'd rather know sooner rather than later. Hearing about his book was interesting for about an hour, but after he kept returning to the topic - ugh.

  • changeling

    I feel for you, I would not know where to start if I suddenly found myself single.

    All I can say is: listen to your gut. You did not connect with this guy, so move one. When you connect with someone you will know it w/o a doubt.

    Oh, and please don't settle, life's to precious to waste it on mediocrity.

    Oh, I almost forgot: "he makes his kids exercise till they cry..."!!!!! Heloooo! This guy's a sadist!


  • eclipse

    If anyone said they did that to their children, I would say,

    ''You're a sick parent, you know that? Anyone who makes their kids cry are mean, cruel and don't deserve to raise them''..

    But that is just me.

  • Madame Quixote
    Madame Quixote

    He sounds like a typical self-involved jerk. Find someone else. He's an arrogant ass.

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