Yes it was difficult due to lack of practice. Dating is somewhat frowned upon by JWs if you're not "contemplating marriage". It's not considered as a means of sharpening your social skills. When I went on my very first official date I was already in my late twenties, inexperienced, and very uneasy at times.
Has anyone found dating as an EX JW difficult?
by sweetstuff 50 Replies latest social relationships
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Spectre
Outline of Chapter One: Growing up as a witness teenager and why that seriously will f^ck you up.
What is expected.
A) You're suppossed to be totally obsesive about the bible. Its totally cool! If you don't think its completely awesome, you're going to die at armageddon.
B) Everybody hates you because they all know that you have the "truth" but are they are somehow too stupid to join.
C) Paranoia is your friend! The "bad association" scripture? yeah, that is everyone out there. And just to be safe, better watch out for people in the hall while your at it.
D) The world is going to end any day now so the only thing that matters is how much you pray and beg forgiveness for just being born.
E) You want to be different from the world. That means intentionally going shopping for the most uncool clothes out there.
F) The school is your own private territory. Teachers will respect you more if you use watchtowers and awakes as source material. And what a witness it will be to preach to all the other students. They will like you for it, just remember that they can't be considered a friend until they are approved as an unbabtised publisher (still remembering C, of course).
Outline for Chapter Two: You're growing up! Thats evil!
I'll get to this one later.
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sweetstuff
He he, umm dating defenition, going out with a member of the opposite, oops should be careful here, or same sex, with who you have an interest in developing a possible romantic or sexual relationship. How's that? Come on cut me some slack I am not a professor, sheesh. No wonder I hated the Theocratic Ministry School!
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sweetstuff
LOL Spectre, you rawk! (Sorry picked that one up from my kids.) Keep me posted on the next chapter!
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iveseenthelight
Dating outside the Jdub thing is soooooo hard.
I started dating a guy just as i was thinking of leaving the Jdubs, he could not understand why a grown woman would keep a normal healthy relationship secret from her family. This led to him thinking that I was secretive about other stuff and raised issues of trust. He did have a point, as I didn't want to tell him that I'd gone door knocking so sometimes lied and he'd later find out I wasn't doing what I said I'd been doing...needless to say the relationship ended.
As Jdub teens we were never prepaired for dating. As Jdub you didn't have to ask too many questions as you'd all been brainwashed to think the same way. So outside its so much more complicated...good luck is all I say. I think I'll be single for a very long time to come...
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JK666
Sweetstuff,
It is not only explaining your whacked out family to people you are dating, it is explaining a great deal of your own idiosyncracies due to your upbringing.
In early dating, it isn't necessary to talk about these much, just try to have a good time. As things progress more and you get involved, then these need to be discussed in further detail.
The line I used was "being raised as a JW is a lot like being raised Amish, there are a lot of things that I never did because of being raised in the religion." That helped me to explain the details later.
Things would pop up in general conversation. Once she got mad at me because I told her that I never voted. I said, "remember that I was Amish! We were forbidden to be a part of the political process." She gradually became aware of how pervasive this cult was.
I started seeing her while i was disfellowshipped, but still thought it was The Troof. I still had thoughts of going back, and figuring out how to convert her. Then 3 years ago while we were dating, I found this site. That is when I discovered the UN/NGO debacle. She couldn't understand why I was so upset about it and why it was a big deal. I tried to explain that it meant that everything that I was taught my whole life was a lie.
She has become very understanding of my being an ex-JW in the last four years, but it still occasionally causes problems.
Dating someone that is an ex-JW could be either good or bad, as there are pros and cons as you have stated. A similar background can help you have something in common. But face it, most of us are screwed up!
Good luck,
JK
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tim hooper
sweetstuff,
I've suddenly found myself on the dating merry-go-round again (after a 20 year marriage), and it's such a relief to get this exJW nonsense out in the open without having to feel ashamed of it anymore.
tim
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DannyHaszard
My repressed sex life in the Jehovah's Witnesses True story,i couldn't have made this up guys.
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Jim_TX
Hmmm... let's see. I was married to a JW wifey for just over 21 years. I then got divorced, and after a bit - started looking around.
Dating - as an ex-JW was/is just as difficult as a JW - for me. Although - from their perspective - most of the non-JW gals are nicer than the JW gals - if I recall correctly. (Heck! Most JW gals wouldn't give me the time of day!)
What I discovered - that helped - was to just be myself. If the gal couldn't handle that - oh well - it's their problem. Not mine.
When it came to holidays and such - I was just honest and told them - I haven't celebrated {insert holiday} in over 45 years - as my mom started studying with Jehovah's Witnesses, and we stopped doing thingsl ike that.
Most gals understood - and helped me out (including my now wife) - and we would celebrate the holiday - whatever it was.
When it came to meeting 'family' - my wife has met them... and knows that they are a tad... different.
I guess the bottom line to a lot of this is... you can make it difficult - for yourself (and also your 'date'), or you can try to keep it simple. Explain things as the need arises - and don't sweat it. There are other folks out there that come from mixed-up backgrounds, too.
Regards,
Jim TX
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ness
when i look at the JW gene pool i was faced with in my circuit i thank my lucky stars i didnt actually date anyone in the truth....like eew.
and i too totally leave out my JW past when it comes to boyfriends, and will only ever broach it if necessary.