I desperately need some advice

Redbeard

Hey! I'm new to this forum as a user, 'been hanging around for a while and enjoyed reading the posts here, this site has provided a lot of confidence and encouragement to me through harsh times. So nice to know that other people out there struggle with the same issues as me. I'm glad to be here, and salute you all, calling myself by the name of 'Redbeard'. I really need some advice about what to do in my life. I am currently fading, but have come to realise that no matter how hard I try to stay in good standing with my family and my past, I will sooner or later be standing at a crossroads and will have to take the final decision. And this is what it's all about. My story in short: I am a young man at 21 years of age. I was born and raised in the truth - the good old story. 5 years ago I found out that I didn't really wanted to live as a jw (too late as I was baptized some years earlier). I then reconciled with the 'truth' because of my family and the fact that I still lived at home. Three years later, as I graduated from danish high school, I gradually found out that there was something rotten in this religion - oppressive elders, crazy commandments from the organisation etc. This led me to examine the dark side of the 'truth' and for the first time in my life explore the 'apostate' info on the internet - and then, one and a half year ago, I was finally convinced that I had been deceived all of my life. It took me a long time to get used to this thought, in many ways I had to rebuild myself completely as so much of me had been built on the truth that was a lie. What kept me around at that time was my girlfriend (with whom I broke up because of great unsettlements about the organisation) and my friends that I lived very close to. A half year ago I moved to a new city to start a new education and started fading for real. And I found out it's very hard to establish a decent life from scratch. This leads me to the point of this post: I have built up a very strong network of jw-friends that I really care for. The last two or three years I have been very popular among those friends, regardless of my very independent lifestyle. They love me, even though I am rebellious, have long hair, an earring, have very stong opinions, go out to drink a lot and listen to heavy metal - and I love them. They don't shun me because of how I am and how I look, even though they know I'm not very fond of the organisation, of field service etc., and it's the same with my loving and caring family. I sincerely love them, and until recently my family and friends was all I really cared about in life. I know that if I'm walking out, I will lose contact with them all, and worst of all it may break up my family, as my mum isn't attending the meetings anymore, although still believing, which makes my father very sad, but not reproaching. If I'm going, I don't know what will happen. I have the choice of leaving for good, continue with my 'worldly' girlfriend that I love and have recently met, and live my own life. OR I could go back inside and keep family, friends and still have the 'worldly' friends that I have found, though I hate the organisation and everything it stands for, hate the elders and their power and don't believe in anything they say. I know they will accept me and love me as I am, but I will have to ignore the facts and accept my life, and I will not be able to go into politics and to have sex before marriage. This I can live without though - I'm not used to anything else. I bet many of you have been in the same situation at some point. What did you do? And why? And what is your advice to me - which road should I take? I so much hope to hear from you. Thank you all for being here. Redbeard :-)

brinjen

Sorry, what is this advice about? You haven't posted anything.

We're always happy to help...

Redbeard

Somehow something went wrong when posting this, but now there's some text.. sorry for the layout though, tried to make it more reading-friendly but it doesn't work..

BFD

Hi redbeard, Welcome to the forum.

Be true to youself. I think the answer is inbedded in this thought.

If I'm going, I don't know what will happen. I have the choice of leaving for good, continue with my 'worldly' girlfriend that I love and have recently met, and live my own life. OR I could go back inside and keep family, friends and still have the 'worldly' friends that I have found, though I hate the organisation and everything it stands for, hate the elders and their power and don't believe in anything they say. I know they will accept me and love me as I am, but I will have to ignore the facts and accept my life,

You are faced with a tough choice. Be true to yourself.

BFD

AWAKE&WATCHING

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER !

My advice is to read as much on this forum. Some of these people are BRILLIANT !

OnTheWayOut

Just my opinion. Try to maintain the family relationship without blasting the organization.
Try to just stop going to the Kingdom Hall, and not telling family directly that you don't
believe it's the truth, saying no more than "I have doubts."

Either marry your girlfriend before having sex, or don't tell the JW's anything about what
you are doing in the privacy of your own home. You can't be DF'ed for marrying a worldly
person, they just mark you as a weak person. (Sisters marry outsiders all the time, in case
you hadn't noticed.)

Your JW friends might not stick by you if you get any more distant from the religion. Most
faders find that only family will tolerate such behavior (and not friends), but you never know.
My general rule is that you can always try to fade, and if it gets too difficult or blows up in
your face, then you can just walk away, DA, or DF.

As for me, I could never remain active just for others. Others manage to do it, hoping to gain
the others. I think inactivity or even just walking away does more to help them think for themselves.

Arthur

This is difficult, because different people will handle this situation in such different ways. Some people are able to keep up appearances and continue attending meetings for the sake of family and friends, even thought they don't believe in it anymore. Many of us (myself included) just couldn't do it anymore. Personally, I am unable to attend meetings or put on any appearance - even though it will cost me dearly.

I am quite surprised that JWs till associate with you even though you have long hair, and earing, and a "worldly" girlfriend. I am also very surprised that no elders have sought to question you or summon you to a jc meeting yet. This is odd. However, I do know of some JWs who have gone inactive, and then started smoking, and have actually moved in with their girlfriend without being summoned to a jc meeting.

As the old saying goes: "I would rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I am not." This is how I feel, but other people just cannot tolerate the thought of losing family and friends regardless. You certainly have a lot to think about and consider. I can only suggest that you not make any rash or knee-jerk decisions for right now. Don't do anything that could burn any bridges with your JW family. Just weigh all pros and cons very carefully and thoughtfully.

Twitch

Welcome to the forum, Redbeard

oompa

You do not need advice as desperately as you think. You have already learned math. Whether you are truly in love or not, and you well may be, who is going to live longer, your parents or your lover? You say you have great friends? You will know when you put it to the test and I hope they love you NO MATTER WHAT! I am twice your age and still in, but only recently learned how decieved I have been my whole life. You are damn lucky to find out so early. Your awakening could free so many you are close to.

still learning...oompa

Awakened07

I'm not really any good at giving life-advice, but I'd like to say that quitting Jehovah's Witnesses is hard, no matter which way you do it. Of course - it's harder for some than for others, but you will most likely be faced with an inside struggle as much as one from the outside. A whole new outlook on life and your future tends to do that to a person. But again - different people handle it differently. I don't know your 'inside' friends, but if my own experience is anything to go by, they may be very loving and friendly right now, perhaps in hopes that you'll "straighten up" eventually, but if you take the final step and become 100% inactive or disassociate yourself, they will seize to be your friends. Not so much their fault as it is a consequence of the indoctrination, and from their viewpoint they'll be doing you a favor by 'shunning' you (and also doing themselves a favor by not being influenced by you). As I said I don't know your friends, but I very much doubt that they will, or can be your friends if you leave 'the truth'.

You'll get a lot of support here, and from your non-witness friends and girlfriend, but in my experience it will still be hard. There's so much 'stuff' ingrained in the back of our heads that comes out when we least expect it. Doubt and self-doubt may develop. A fear of the future, heavy-heartedness from "loss" of parents and friends, bewilderment.

In time though, if you stay the course, it will get better, because you will get equipped with emotional and cognitive tools to make you better at dealing with things, and you'll get a stronger knowledge of why 'the truth' isn't 'the truth' and never was. But it's hard. Has been for me, at least.

Good luck. We can both need it. I wouldn't say I'm there yet myself. Still fading slowly (well - 100% inactive for a couple of years, but...).

Oh - by the way: this forum is Internet Explorer friendly, and... all other browser.... not-so-friendly. Paragraphs don't work with Firefox and Opera, if I understand things correctly.

I desperately need some advice

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