by Tatiana 25 Replies latest social entertainment
Dear April,
I was touched by your post, especially by one of the phrases you used:
"All she wanted was for someone to love her". She had you to love her, April, and her memory will be forever in your heart.
I have had the privilege of meeting you on here very briefly. Please accept my sympathies while you are hurting. Also, please know, without reservation, that there are many people here who care about you, April.
Sincerely,
MSIL
Essie,(thanks for the song), msil, Seven, Cowboy, Caole, Six (I love your 'shitty' hugs), Dana, OUTLAW, Simon....thank you all so much. Your words mean more than you can know.
msil, yes, I loved her, but couldn't help her. We were only 17 months apart. As we got older, I tried to intervene when the drugs and alcohol got to be too much. Many times I got her out of jail. A childhood of abuse made an adult who repeated the pattern. By the time she was 35, she'd been married and divorced 3 times. All abusive husbands. Many times I had to take her to the ER. A fractured rib here, a broken arm there. She never thought she was good enough NOT to be treated that way.
I think the most painful memory I have was the look on her face, (after she'd done something so unimportant as leaving my brother's milk bottle out to get sour), when my mom was beating the crap out of her and said, "You had to be sent here as a test from Jehovah!" My mother then looked her right in the eye and said, "Get thee behind me, Satan!" I can see her face to this day. Total resignation. Total despair. And I actually hated my mother at that moment.
Combine the physical plus mental abuse, and you have my sister. I just think maybe there was something else I could have done to stop her. That will haunt me forever.
Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart.....
April
"Love never dies." Voivodul Vlad Draculea (from Bram Stoker's Dracula-1992)
April,
You are a wonderful person who was probably scared to death while that was happening. There is nothing you could have done.
I remember so well some of the decisions/lack of decisions I made as a teenager - I have some deep regrets over them. But, I also remember the fear of the unknown/punishment which meant I never decided to do anything out of line. While I never had to experience anything remotely as awful as you and Kelly did - I nevertheless acted like a zombie and just towed the line in my decisions. My experience and that of everyone else in no way minimizes your experience....it just makes some of us try harder to understand others, just as we desire others to undestand us.
So one can only try to imagine how afraid you must have felt (although I am sure it was worse than I can ever imagine). After reading the story I am totally convinced (without a doubt, April) that you are not to blame in any way and in all likelihood if you had tried to interfere you would have ended up in a similar predicament to Kelly.
Let no one minimize what happened to her and let no one forget... but more importantly Kelly "wanted someone to love her". That reflects an innate love on her part and I am totally convinced that she would want you to have a life of love too. Don't immerse yourself in guilt as guilt just creates more pain and it feeds on itself and doing so only means there were 2 victims at your mothers hand. You have the opportunity to prove your mother wrong by finding and experiencing unconditional love in your love.
Sincerely,
MSIL
Dear April,
I am deeply sorry for your loss and the life you both had to live.
April,
More hugs... I'm so sorry.
TR
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
—Edmund Burke
msil, thanks for the loving words. I do remember being very scared, but sometimes took beatings for her anyway. I would say I did the deed just so she wouldn't get it so bad.
But, what I wonder is if I should have tried to do a lot more when she was older. I often think if only I'd done this, or if only I'd done that. And she did know love. She just didn't know how to get it or give it. She was a sweet, loving little girl who got broken.
And as for proving my mother wrong, that is my goal in life. Also to be in every way her exact opposite. I often tell my children, "If you ever think for a second I'm acting like my mother in any way, knock me down and gag me!"
My whole life is about love. It's how I survive.
April
"Love never dies." Voivodul Vlad Draculea (from Bram Stoker's Dracula-1992)
Darling April,
Your post has brought a flood of painful memories of my own back. When you are tortured by the children and teachers at school for being different, then there is no love in the home, or the church, or the god, in whose name you are being beaten, a child will turn to anyone or anything for just a smidgeon of love. When they become adults, they often cannot accept true love.
I don't know how people like you and I survive, April (our stories are so similar, except I haven't lost a sibling in such a manner--yet, my brother suffers from horrible Borg induced depression--and exists in a living death). But Kelley survived in her way. The only way she knew how.
You did alright, April. Just this statement of yours is so telling of your strength, it's how I feel I've survived also: "My whole life is about love. It's how I survive."
Kelley, you are not forgotten. Your story lives here and helps other children. Thank you. And may you find peace.
Love,
Bridgette
{{{{{{{Bridgette}}}}}}}I can't say I'm glad you understand, because I wouldn't ever want anyone to go through that. And yes, on top of all the crap at home, you have to deal with getting spit at, called names, and beat up at school. Which we both did. Home should be a safe place to go. And when it's not, you are totally alone in the world of a child. That is devastating.
I'm so sorry about your brother. But, I understand him. Sometimes I don't think I'll make it. Sometimes it is overwhelming. But love keeps me going. To me, it is the ONLY command you ever have to keep. It covers ALL things in existence. It is my center. It had to fill the hole. If you can't fill that deep hole with love, you are lost.
Here is a photo of Kelly when she was about six. Right before the madness started. When she still had a sparkle in her eye.
edited for screw up(I don't know why it didn't show up here. It worked fine on the tech board--grrrr)
April
"Love never dies." Voivodul Vlad Draculea (from Bram Stoker's Dracula-1992)
Tatiana-my sincere, heart felt sympathy. I feel like you described my family. My sister is even the same age your sister would have been. I am very sorry for your loss. I will light a candle in her memory.
Your description of your sister as a youngster is my sister. Your mother, my mother. My mother was very verbally abusive and my sister ran away when she was 17, got pregnant. She married the guy, however, they fight all the time. Now she has a brain tumor and the prognosis is not good. Our mother tries to forget all the verbal abuse (not much physical-she slapped us and hit us with wooden spoons), however, my sister cannot. She is tortured by the way she was treated by my mother, the JW's and how her life in general has gone.
I hope she finds peace before she passes on. I am at a loss as to what to tell her, other than encourage her to look forward to the future and think positive. (Not easy when a brain tumor is growing in your head)
I really connected with what you wrote. I feel better just reading it. Your love for your sister is beautiful. I hope my sister realizes I love her and always will. (telling her does not seem to get through)
April
"Love never dies." Voivodul Vlad Draculea (from Bram Stoker's Dracula-1992)
