My 17 year old daughter has so many problems

by Jez 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • looking_glass

    As someone who's grandmother suffered w/ mental illness and ex-fiancee also suffer w/ the disease, there are little options. But one of your options is to take legal action. If your daughter is really a harm to herself, you can obtain her medical/mental health records (as she is still 17 and is a minor in most states and has not been emancipated). You will need to fill out HIPAA releases to get her records. But after doing so, take them to a professional shrink and have her evaluated. If they deem her a danger to herself and/or others, you are able to take legal action to have her found incompetent. At which point you have control over her and her actions. Ultimately you will have to have her committed and then do your best to maintain her med routine should she ever be released.

    My grams was committed and lived in a home for mentally ill patients. The reason being that she could not live on her own otherwise she would stop taking her meds and would try to harm others.

    There is NO happy ending to your story. If your daughter does have mental health issues, this is a life long struggle and you have to be the strong one to be able to make the appropriate decisions for her. My mother committed my grams and she still feels guilty about it to this day and my grams has been dead for a while.

    My heart goes out to you and your family. You should also look into getting mental health assistance for your own stress and struggles. There are support groups out there.

    Much love and peace to you and your family.


  • bebu


    It is horrendously hard to see a child go so wrong when you have done all you can to help her go right. It is scary... one of the scariest things I've faced, too. It can consume you, like you said. ( BTW, don't blame yourself over the JW pull-out; I suspect she may have still had similar problems even as a JW.)

    After you finally resolve to allow her to fly solo, you will slowly discover that you can find parameters for your emotions over her. You will love her no less, but she will not consume you the same way.

    More than any advice (and jgnat's was the voice of experience and reason and love imo), I just want to give you a cyberhug. Moms hurt like hll over their lost kids, and I wish I could ease that for you somehow. It is harder when it seems that everyone else's kids have no problems at all. What has helped me is the support and advice from a mom whose 2 sons left when they were 14 and 16... and how they finally came to their senses after several months.

    I know you don't pray, but I'll certainly be praying for your daughter, and you as well.



  • choosing life
    choosing life

    I have a son who ran away at 17. It was because he hated the jw religion and all the restrictions on his life. Don't think you caused her problem by taking her away from jws. It is her problem, not yours. I blamed myself for his problems for much too long. He has been diagnosed with various mental conditions. It depends on which psychiatrist he goes to.

    I don't know where you live. Here in the states, a minor may choose to leave at 17 and the police will not do anything about it. And you can't commit them against their will. But the first person the authorities will call when they get into trouble is you. You cannot make them come home, but you are responsible for them until they are 18. At least, that's what the cops told me.

    She knows you are there for her . Time will probably help her some. Things will get better. However you decide to handle the situation, let her know that you have never given up hope for her to get better.

    And take care of the little one cause she/he needs you right now. That translates to take care of yourself.

  • Jez
    the one thing you haven't tried, time. You will have to wait until she is low enough to ask for help.

    Jgnat, this is my only option at this point. I have told her in the hospital that all of her family is here for her, waiting, when she is ready. Told her how good it was to see her, even though she was growling at me. Told her how much everyone cares. I did not cry in front of her, just stood strong through her vicious words. I told her I loved her and that yesterday is done, the only thing she has control over is tomorrow. I told her to stop freaking out, that SHE IS in control of her path. Told her that i have faith in her, that she can pull herself out of this and make the life for herself that she has always wanted.

    Now, I wait. and try to not let my mind go to that dark place of 'what could be or could happen'. I raised her strong, I know what is in there and I am just hoping it does not get sooo buried that it is lost forever.


  • LoverOfTruth

    Oh Jez, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. My daughters were so much more difficult than my sons to raise. My experiences have been very similar to yours. I had the police at my home so often, I lost count. One of my girls was a run away. Both used drugs.

    I feel the tears welling up in me right now because I can't give you a physical Hug. You will get through this. Just keep reminding your precious daughter how much you Love her.

    Both of my Girls are fine now and we're actually good friends. They are fully capable of taking care of themselves now; I am confident of that. There's a lot of baggage with ex-JWs and this is felt with our kids.

  • little witch
    little witch

    Oh Honey, we teach our children the way they should go, and most certain as the sun shines, they do the opposite. You did a good job raising your child I am sure of it. But living and charactor come by experience. Don't you know that giving our kids freedom of thought and choice is our duty as parents? I mean, we won't be around forever. Everybody learns from mistakes, that is what life is all about.

    You have done your job, now comes the hard part...Watch your baby make all the wrong decisions, screw up every chance, take the wrong path at every crossroad.....and love 'em anyway. Stick to your guns, keep giving the same advice, be unbending in your are in for the hallmark moment when they tire, and discover....."my parents love me"....

    LW (mother of four, grandma of two and a half, son left yesterday to boot camp(Iraq bound))

  • Jez

    As usual, you people are amazing and always there when I need to hear from you. Thank you. I will keep you updated.


  • Jez

    Well, she contacted me, but only to tell me to f$&* off. Just those 2 words. I hear through her friends that she is trying to get fake ID to try to get out of the town she is in and into a bigger city.

    I phoned Mental Health again and the Dr. said that the Mental Health Act says that someone can only be committed for a serious mental illness, of which he does not think she has. He put me in touch with a Drug and Alcohol worker that works for Mental Health. This worker is going to go to the house she is staying at to try to talk to her. I have very little hopes of him being able to break down this major wall she has built around herself.

    Yesterday was a really really bad day for me. One thing my husband said though is helping me. He said that I am the one paying for her decisions and that it is ruining my life, this baby's life before it is even born, his life and ultimately our 12 year old's life. That I have to pull it together for 4 other lives now.

    I am trying.


  • bikerchic

    Yesterday was a really really bad day for me. One thing my husband said though is helping me. He said that I am the one paying for her decisions and that it is ruining my life, this baby's life before it is even born, his life and ultimately our 12 year old's life. That I have to pull it together for 4 other lives now.

    I am trying.


    Awe Jez my heart aches for you. I know too well when a child strays we tend to blame ourselves, what did we do wrong? Please don't stay there too long it can truly hold you back from experiencing all the wonderful joys of life right in front of your eyes like you husband said.

    Don't waste any more time on someone who isn't ready to receive the love you have to offer her right now. Some day she'll come around that's the best you can hope for. I know it sounds harsh but really she is controlling you from miles away and ruining 4 other peoples lives in the process. Does she really get to have that power over you?

    Have a good cry, morn her loss and move forward to all the wonderfulness of the new life within you and a husband who is so far standing by your side don't let that slip away, don't let her do that to you.

    Big hugs I know I've been there and am doing that right now.....sigh. We have to be the strong ones, it does teach them by example.

  • Jez

    Thanks bikerchic. I miss her so much. Everyday I think about her. It is so irritating because she is always right there at the edge of my thoughts, just waiting to pounce in.

    Today, a mental health worker told me that it is no use looking for answers, there are none. To just stop doing that because her perception is her reality. My perception of her life, is not hers.

    I am just so sad and wonder if I will ever see my firstborn again. We had so many plans together. I dreamt last night that she came home told me that she needed me and we were cuddling in bed like we use to. It was so real and felt so good to hold her.

    I am just hoping that somewhere deep inside of her, she remembers how she was raised, all the things we did together as a family, the talks we have had, the kindness and love that has been shown to her. I hope she never forgets me because I hope that the little things she does, reminds her of me.


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