trapped in the Borg...how did you.....

by SnakesInTheTower 26 Replies latest members private

monophonic

i hit my realization, the 'i need to get out now' state of mind at around 28 as well....took a couple of years of fade, then strange power battle at the end, and i faded.
i was indoctrinated since i was three years old. i have panic attacks and agoraphobia directly related to the dogma pounded into me...though they are less now and it's great to identify exact causes, like fear of being tarred and feathered when i was four years old since persecution was going to come any minute...and that it was only an invisible jehovah that would take care of me...conditionally, only if i didn't sin..., not my parents....shame on them for trying to accelerate my good son status w/ scare tactics like that...totally supported by all their idiotic friends with kids.
monophonic

i hit my realization, the 'i need to get out now' state of mind at around 28 as well....took a couple of years of fade, then strange power battle at the end, and i faded.
i was indoctrinated since i was three years old. i have panic attacks and agoraphobia directly related to the dogma pounded into me...though they are less now and it's great to identify exact causes, like fear of being tarred and feathered when i was four years old since persecution was going to come any minute...and that it was only an invisible jehovah that would take care of me...conditionally, only if i didn't sin..., not my parents....shame on them for trying to accelerate my good son status w/ scare tactics like that...totally supported by all their idiotic friends with kids.
TheListener

The truth is hard to leave. Of course, you can just walk away - but that means most likely walking away from a lifetime of friendships and family ties.
I slowly faded. That was my best option for keeping my wife from leaving me and taking our kids. She was very angry as each step of my fade progressed. I pressed forward.
Now I have my marriage, I'm completely inactive in the truth, I have my kids - but I've lost a lot of myself in the process. I am not free to explore my spiritual side openly. I have to hide who I am or face possible disfellowshipping and/or my wife finally having enough and leaving me.
Walking on eggshells is tiring and I don't like it.
I faded for myself. It was easier than confronting my wife and everyone else in my life. And for that I feel weak. I should have stood up and taken control of the situation. However, a benefit of my course of action was ensuring my kids a better JW childhood than I had. They get to be so much more normal than I was allowed to be. If my pain helps them out even a little then in the end it will have been worth it.
SnakesInTheTower

got up this morning and am intrigued by some of the comments so far...
Antichrist: two things you said caught my eye especially:
They way I see it what does not kill you makes you stronger... The scars do stay but they remind you of what you went through to be where you are today and that makes me stronger.
although I am not so sure about the karate technique...sounds painful.... but it does emphasize the point we have to go on, and take the hard "knocks" (sorry could nt resist) that life hands us...
Scully: the problem is, unlike a regular steel-trap, the pain is either a) not immediately obvious to those IN the trap, or b) they have known only the pain of the trap and dont realize that leaving it is a good thing.
Why can't we just have normal dysfunctional family relationships
LMAO at that one Scully....
greendawn:
The problem back then was that there was no internet to clarify some outstanding issues
yes, internet has been a great thing hasnt it. I dont think I would be as far into the fade as I am without the support of this board, which in turn has led to me being more open minded and listening to non-JWs who have something to say about cults.
A&W:
I'll learn to live with it but I'll never get over it
This is sooo true....and maybe we shouldn't "get over it". If we dont learn from history we are bound to repeat it. Our history is part of who we are. Why go back?
mrbloo ..if I havent welcomed you to the board yet, WELCOME!
im viewed as this hells angel type
My step father looks the part of the hells angel type (he is nonJW), and he used to be part of that group. But he is a big teddy bear at heart, one of the nicest men you will meet. Maybe your change in appearance is offputting, so in addition to leaving JW, you have given them additional reason to reject you. You will get the free mind again....you are on your way....but there will always be a part of you that nags at you a bit...esp if you were raised a dub.
Elsewhere:
Sometimes you have to cut off your right arm in order to survive.
goes back to the illustration,eh? To twist Jesus' illustration to our purposes, "better to cut out your right eye and throw it into Gehenna,..than to *insert new application*(be part of the Borg)"
mum/SandraC:
Sometimes it isn't what you have, but knowing that you have it.
Well said....and abuse is abuse no matter how its packaged.....and by now your daughter is 35....how did she turn out? dub, not dub? how did her life go?
NEJ: yes, some of us stay IN (at least on the fringes) because of family especially, but even a few friends who dont want to shun us, but are not strong enough to leave the Borg and stick with their real friends. Mind control is very powerful.
V: Join a volunteer group. Yep, you have to develop a new circle of friends and start a new social life to replace what has been lost. Myself, I am seriously thinking about joining the Sierra Club since I really enjoy being outside and making the world a Paradise...the only one we will ever have. Maybe Habitat For Humanity (where I can learn some real construction skills) and help build a house that will be occupied 24/7 and not a KH that is occupied less than 10 hours a week. (but I still wont go for the tobacco...although walking into the old Tinder Box stores was great...the smell......ahhhhh)
monophonic: one word: indoctrination, just as you said....the scare tactics were awful. Imagine telling a 4 year old they would die at the Big A if they did not (fill in the action).....
Listener:
means most likely walking away from a lifetime of friendships and family ties.
I am glad you have your family, sounds like you are doing what you have to do to keep them together. One day they will see your unconditional love as opposed to the BorgLove.
hope I did not leave anyone out...thanks for responding...PM me if you like....post more on the board, these are really great comments
SnakesInTheTower (of the "still have part of me in the trap" Sheep Class)
mrbloo

thanks for the welcome.yeah that nagging drives me insane at times! i like the idea of Join a volunteer group tho.im currently surfing to see whats out there! thanks
anewme

It took me until I was 48 to acknowlege I was going to die if there was not some big change in my life.

I prayed and prayed and prayed with tears for God to hear me and help me.

What can I say?

I think he heard me! Cause here I am ALIVE AND HAPPY!!!!!
emptywords

I would like to know more about this reform I hear about, that there are ones still within the org that believe in a reform. Are there many that still go along to meetings that don't agree with the org, or ones that believe in a reform still actively associated within the congregations, would be interested to know, because by reading some threads their appears to be ones that go along still but stay only because they don't want to loose their families and be shunned, so sad really.
Cheers
sass_my_frass

I think that the degree and type of damage caused is very different for each person, but I can't see how anybody could get out without just the tiniest bit of hurt and a long-term scar. I have to admit that I'd have thought I'd be doing a lot better by now, two years out, but my hurt re the rejection by my family and friends is still really getting to me. I don't know if anything besides a lot of time will help that to fade, but I try to activate the healing by being realistic about the value of a relationship that was based entirely on me being who they wanted. I can tell myself many things, but it's difficult to make it work.
I do actually want to put it behind me and get on with enjoying life, and I am usually actively involved in something that's supposed to help that - I'm paying more attention to my career, and have started a uni degree. I'm trying to understand this marriage thing and be really good at it, because I'm in the only real relationship of my life now and it's so great and I don't want to screw it up.
My long-term goal is to be able to look at my scar and how it has healed over, and be proud of making it through that, and becoming somebody who my now very tiny family of one man wants to have around. I kind of don't know where to start - how to be me. I was on hold all my life, waiting for armageddon before starting life, with everything in the meantime just stuff to live with or ignore, it didn't matter as long as we made it through. I don't know where to start building a real personality from.
monophonic

yes, agree 100% on joining another organization, which could mean even taking classes.
the first time i left i went to school for radio and my 'meetings' (boy, was it WEIRD to not have to be someone sunday/tuesday/thursday) was volunteering and djing at the college radio station. mentally saved me and it was something i had wanted to do since i was six years old
the second time i left i took screenwriting, video and audio editing classes and acting classes. improv acting classes are great.
i've been meaning to volunteer more of my time to something like a soup kitchen or similar....thanks for the reminder...my schedule should lighten up in fall for that.
Junction-Guy

Ok, even though I was born and raised in it, I never got baptized. At 23 years of age and after much struggling I finally decided that I wasnt going to get baptized, and that I was resolved to getting destroyed at Armageddon. I left the JW's in late 1993, my Mom was disfellowshipped already, My brother was baptized, but he never fully embraced the shunning aspect. I just basically took a chance and gambled. Time would tell 4 years down the road, when I found out via the internet that the JW's had changed their view of the 191 generation. I then knew that I had made the right decisions, all blinders were then removed from my eyes.

trapped in the Borg...how did you.....

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