Good topic Snakes and well thought out as usual. I enjoy reading your posts.
Although I do not post much anymore, I do come here often and read the experiences, pain, sorrow, frustration and confusion that many here express. I have often wanted to comment. In fact there are several times that I have started a response to a painful post, only to delete it. Every time I start writing it hits me that trying to express my journey (about 12 years) and what I have learned starts to sound hollow or trite to me. It feels so inadequate for me to comment when I see so much pain.
I think about it and I realize that when I was in gut wrenching pain, as I began to scrape the slime of the Borg off of me, I don't know if there is anything anyone could say to me that would have made a difference. My anger burned so hot and my pain was so deep I fantasized a lot about doing physical harm to a couple of particular elders that were part of my removal as an MS. My wife always likened likened my removal to them "pulling the wings of a fly" because she knew how sincere I was and that I did nothing wrong. But the pain is necessarry and is part of the healing and I have learned so much from it. So I hope what I have to say does not sound hollow or trite to others as that is the last thing I want to convey. All of you mean so much to me and please know that when I hear the pain I remember what it felt like and my thoughts are with you.
The one thing that I have always wanted to say is that the pain is not forever. Some will get through it faster, but there are very few that will hold on to it for a long time if they are even remotely in tune with their feelings and if they choose to use the opportunity to explore. I hear the question a lot on this forum "will this pain ever go away"? The answer is yes it will, but I find that those who are most successful are those that decide to venture out and learn about other religions, philosophies, people, etc. The pain from the treatment by the elders and others at the Kingdom Hall can either destroy you, or teach you that you never want to treat another human being the way we were all treated. I have chosen to view my pain as a sort of Karma event for pain I have caused others in the past. This may not work for others, but it works for me, because how can I be angry at the pain that was inflicted on me when I inflicted pain on others? This may not work for others, but it helped me to come to grips with the shock of being completely abandoned by an organization that I had been raised in since 1965.
The other thing that continually catches me by surprise is that the scars, although many, have faded. There was a time, when I first faded away that I thought I was going to die at Armageddon. I can't say when that fear went away exactly...it just did. The same thing about always wondering what people thought about me, another by product of being in a high control cult. I can't say when that feeling went away...it just did. I don't know when I started to have the ability to look inward and reflect on weaknesses without beating the shit out of myself...I just did.
All of this happened over time and after meditation and reading a lot of books that I would have never picked up when I was a JW. Books that force you to look inward. Books about meditation, eastern thought, astral projection...anything that I was curious about. The funny thing is that, contrary to what the JW's teach, the demons did not come a visiting. It did start to shape how I felt about people and it began to soften me. I did not delve deeply in any one school of thought. I gleaned thoughts, points, and my world view from a little bit of everything. My world view may not fit with anyone elses, but I love the tapestry that I have woven. It has made me a softer and gentler person. It has made me a better husband, father, and grandfather...although all of those things are an ongoing journey. Always fighting selfish human tendency.
I guess what I am trying to say is that, yes there are scars from being in the trap and yes there has been a lot of pain, but I look at the scars now (when I notice them) with pride for I would not be the person I am now without them. They are beautiful to me now as they are reminders that I am now free...
One last thought: If you feel the desire to do something new...DO IT! Don't hesitate. If you have always wanted to see what it is like to take a Yoga class...do it. Have you always wanted to paint with oils or watercolors? Do it...don't wait. Try that Tai Chi class at the city recreation center. Read that book about Buddhism. Have you always wanted to look at a Wiccan book, but were afraid? Do it. Have you ever wanted to go to another Christian church, but were afraid? Do it. Trust me, the demons do not fly out of the stained glass windows. Every time you challenge your prejudices you grow and heal. Every time you challenge your prejudices and your world view, you break the chains of the Watchtower Society and the pain it has caused you. Every time you seek to learn about yourself in ways that you would have never sought out when you were in the "Truth" will heal the wounds and scars of the trap that we were all in.
exjdub
