How important to a marriage or LTR is having a shared spiritual outlook?

by Open mind 31 Replies latest members private

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  Open mind

  I've been noodling on this one for quite some time now and thought I'd throw it out there for various viewpoints.

  It is my greatest hope that my wife will someday see that "the truth", ............isn't. Hopefully she will, but as many JWDers can attest, she may never budge. At a minimum, I will continue to plant seeds of doubt, fade to the level of semi-flaky publisher and continue to be the best hubby and father I possibly can.

  If that ends up being our long-term lot in life, I'm wondering: If everything else in a marriage is good/great, just how important is it that you have the same or similar spiritual worldviews?

  Survey says?:
• 

  What-A-Coincidence

  how important is it that you have the same or similar spiritual worldviews?

  Survey says?:

  EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!
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  looking_glass

  I don't think it is important at all. Of the guys I have had long term relationships with they have been Jewish, one was reform and the other conservative. I did not have problems with either of them or their families over the fact that I would just generally watch but never participated in any of their reindeer games. I think people can over come anything as long as they are open minded and are willing to compromise.
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  looking_glass

  I don't think it is important at all. Of the guys I have had long term relationships with they have been Jewish, one was reform and the other conservative. I did not have problems with either of them or their families over the fact that I would just generally watch but never participated in any of their reindeer games. I think people can over come anything as long as they are open minded and are willing to compromise.
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  Open mind

  Let me narrow this just a tad:

  I agree with WAC that, GOING IN, it's very important. If my wife (heaven forbid) got hit by a bus tomorrow, there's no way in Hades I'd marry another dub. Who knows, I might never remarry period.

  But, my question pertains to long-term committed couples who have drifted apart in the spiritual arena. And specifically, when one is loyal-dub.

  Looking_glass: Your comments made plenty of sense and would seem reasonable to many sane, normal people walking down the street. Now, step into Wacky Watchtower World and it's not nearly as healthy.

  Open Mind
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  looking_glass

  I think it has every thing to do with how over the top a remaining JW spouse is. I grew up with several couples who had one active JW spouse and one inactive JW spouse. There never seemed to be a problem unless the non-JW started getting into other religions and that was when the active JW started to kick up the dust. So I guess if the compromise was that a no longer JW who is married to a JW keeps a low spiritual profile, it would not matter, otherwise there would be problems because as we all know JWs do not believe in any other religions and see it as a form of demonism.

  My parents were married young both JWs. My dad got df'd in the 70's I think for smoking, but I don't know for sure. They stayed married and it was never discussed. It came as a great surprise to me when I was a teenager and I found out from another source that my dad use to be a bpt'd jw. The way my mom got around my dad wanting to celebrate any holidays was she told him it was up to him to do everything, but that she would not stop him. She knew that he could not be bothered. I got gifts sometimes, sometimes I didn't, there was no consistency. He died of lung cancer when I was pretty young, so I cannot tell you if it would have continued the way it was for the rest of their marriage, because I don't know. But it worked for them.
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  OnTheWayOut

  A couple will sometimes start becoming two separate people because they drift apart.
  Not sharing the spiritual outlook can be one cause of that. It is not a JW problem only.
  Many people develop different outlooks as they grow spiritually. The one spouse might
  get into yoga or holistic medicine and start reading different books about different
  philosophies. The other spouse might get involved at work or family matters, not thinking
  about religion, spirituality, etc.

  This is only one aspect of a marriage. I don't think it's a marriage breaker. What would
  be wrong is for one partner to expect the other to grow (or hinder growth with JW's) the
  exact same way at the same rate.

  The partnership is about being there for the other. "I respect your feelings even when mine
  differ." That's a great attitude. Even if your efforts explode in your face at some point, you
  can tell the wife, "I was being kind to you, trying to cooperate with your feelings. That's why
  I didn't say anything about my feelings about JW's to you."

  The partnership has other aspects besides a shared spiritual outlook. You can do things that
  both agree to, to combat this. Even if one has more passion in it than the other, you can both
  do things that are not objectionable to the other. If your spirituality tells you to do good deeds,
  but you no longer feel that selling WT and Awake is a good deed, invite your wife to join in the
  deeds that you do now (well, in your future). You don't have to feed the poor only at holiday
  time. You can help animals or people, children or elderly ones, alcoholics or abuse victims.
  That covers over different spiritual outlooks.

  Bonds also come from vacationing together, eating at your favorite restaurants, caring for
  family, home upkeep, chores, being a good listener, presents, attentiveness.
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  twinflame2

  I think it's harder for JW's, but especially if the one leaving is the husband. I've been married over 30 years and it's very difficult for me to know what my husband's thoughts are on the prospect of my future as an apostate. But at least he doesn't feel threatened by my belief like I think a believing wife would be.
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  flipper

  Open mind, I'm going to agree with looking glass on this one. I was married 19 years (divorced 1998) to a self-righteous dub and she wanted me to advance and become an elder, the whole nine yards. But I was not the kissing up type to say the right thing to get appointed. When she initially married me she said she,"always wanted to marry an elders son", which I was. She always imputed wrong motives to me on things. Even erased a vhs recording I had of the movie "Jaws" thinking it was bad, would disturb our teenage kids. What??? In short if you are with an over the top dub mate, in time your values will differ on things. The jw's are just wired way too tight for my liking. Current wife and I are happy, non religious, and have similar views on life, respect of others, all the important stuff. It was hard to be married to a religious zealot, who was critical of your every move. Good luck, open mind. Peace Mr. Flipper
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  monophonic

  i think the important part is respecting each other's spiritual views.

  in the end, everyone has a unique perspective on spirituality, even though the wtbts doesn't like to think that....but even jws, active ones, have their own spirituality, they just don't like to admit it. as humans we're all unique, and so is our spirituality, our emotions, etc.

  it's just too bad some religions like the jws are extremely prejudice and assume if you're not them, you're dead. if your mate agrees with that, then there's a problem. if she doesn't buy into the black & white of everything and the scare tactics, then the respect is there.

  even though my wife attends meetings and is irregular, we have very few jw friends and mostly hang out with non-jws, those in her career, etc. i asked her, if she really truly believed that god was going to kill them, that their lives were in danger, she would preach to every one of them. she saw my point and realized there's no way god's going to destroy our friends just for not being jws and that they're as important to him as we are.

  the thought is discomforting to her since we were all pounded with the 'us and them' tactic, but she's getting it.

  what cracks me up is the inconsistency of the wtbts saying, just b/c they're 'good' doesn't mean they'll make it through armageddon since they're not jws. then there's the illustration of jesus about the 'righteous' man and the 'good' man, and it's better to be good than righteous. i wish that scripture would come up when they say such mean things, but it wouldn't work for the propaganda machine.