How about this:
Experts say "I didn't witness anything, but Jehovah's Witnesses must have. Whatever they saw, they
testify door to door."
Help me with some articles for uncyclopedia for JW's
by 5go 19 Replies latest social humour
-
OnTheWayOut
-
5go
- Jehovah’s Witnesses are an international religion that rejects mainstream Christianity because, they like the the other 4 billion people of earth don't believe Jesus is god. Jehovah's Witnesses are governed by their form of understanding of Scriptural laws and principles based on instructions received from their god Jehovah. The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc. is an organization in use by Jehovah’s Witnesses for their ministry work as well as some other dubious dealings. The religion was developed in response "to what they saw as "the devil" in mainstream Christianity."
- Jehovah’s Witnesses count as adherents the number attending its meetings (AKA pew sitters. ), The central theme of their preaching is the sanctification of God's name and the vindication of His sovereignty by means of His Kingdom, with Zombie Jesus as its Ruler and Master of Zombiekind. The Witnesses believe that the reign of Jesus began with the Second Cuming of Christ which was marked prophetically as the end of the "Genital Times.
- Other Witness teachings They believe that Jesus' death was necessary to atone for the sin brought into the world by the first angel Adam ( see Evangelion ) during the second impact event thus opening the way for the hope of everlasting life for mankind on a Jehovah Witness ruled Earth, post Armegeddon (AKA Third Impact ). It is also taught that 144,000 people will receive immortal life in heaven with the real Jesus Christ as co-pimps guiding the rest of humankind to perfection on a paradise earth during the 1000 year reign. Witnesses believe that during the war of Armageddon, which they believe to be imminent, the wicked and anyone cool will be destroyed, and that the survivors of this event, along with individuals deemed worthy of resurrection , will form a new zombie society ruled by The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York Inc , and have the possibility of living forever in an earthly paradise as the zombie servants of Zombie Jesus.
See how it is evolving
-
5go
How about this:
Experts say "I didn't witness anything, but Jehovah's Witnesses must have. Whatever they saw, they
testify door to door."Sorry lame Try taking something from the wikipedia article and keep taking thing away truths adding things that you think are funny.
-
5go
My favorite addition to date.
Beliefs
Regarding Jesus
- Despite contrary popular opinion Jehovah's Witnesses do believe in Jesus. They don't on the otherhand believe he is God. They believe that their God Jehovah Raised him up out of the grave. Which means Jehovah's Witnesses believe in what the scholars call Zombie Jesus.
Regarding Blood
- Jehovah's Witnesses also forbid the eating of blood. Which why they have such a hard time making head way in the country of Trannsylvania.
-
the dreamer dreaming
Jehovah's Witness meetings [not been to one in 17 years, I could be wrong today]
Tuesday nights-- the book study: the current sales promotional material is throughly explained and memorized.
Thursday nights- part 1- salesmanship 101, public speaking and cold call techniques demonstrated and rehersed. part 2- the sales meeting. weekly update of the sales figures and marketing stradegy techniques to be used plus local financial reports explaining how the no collections at the door must be compenstated by heafty contributions by the faithful.
Sunday mornings part 1- hypnotic induction followed by an ever brightening description of the global ideal and your insignificant and easily replacable part in it. Exhortations to shape up or ship out and how you are always being watched concluded with bathroom break. part 2- indepth study of the current sales offer of the month, the watchtower magazine. you must be thoroughly familiar with this flagship product in order to get it into the hands of those who would have you tarred and feathered for knocking on their doors while they are still hung over.
-
Madame Quixote
My favorite addition to date.
Beliefs
Regarding Jesus
- Despite contrary popular opinion Jehovah's Witnesses do believe in Jesus. They don't on the otherhand believe he is God. They believe that their God Jehovah Raised him up out of the grave. Which means Jehovah's Witnesses believe in what the scholars call Zombie Jesus .
Regarding Blood
- Jehovah's Witnesses also forbid the eating of blood. Which why they have such a hard time making head way in the country of Trannsylvania .
Now that's funny!
-
5go
getting better
[ edit ] Beliefs
Regarding Jesus
- Despite contrary popular opinion Jehovah's Witnesses do believe in Jesus. They don't on the otherhand believe he is God. They believe that their God Jehovah Raised him up out of the grave. Which means Jehovah's Witnesses believe in what the scholars call Zombie Jesus. They also belive that Jesus was not nailed to a cross but, to a steak. What type of steak has lead to many near scisms mainly between the T-boners and the Porterhouses. This was settled by President Norr from a southern state. When he officaly declared it to be a chicken fried steak.
Regarding Blood
- Jehovah's Witnesses also forbid the eating or drinking of blood. Which why they have such a hard time making head way in the country of Trannsylvania.
Jehovah
- The name Jehovah drives from the name Jenova from Final Fantasy VII. FF VII was Pastor Russel's favorite game. Though When he started using the name Jenova from the pulpit he was ued by Sony. That forced Russel to change god's name to Jehovah and also refer to God as a him. But, he did reserve to right to use sephiroth's and cloud's image's for use in his books. Though sadly he died before doing so.
[ edit ] Persecution of Jehovah’s Witnesses
In the 30s and 40’s the Jehovah’s Witnesses a ledge that they were persecuted by the Nazi regime. Recent evidence has come to light that may back their story up. Seems JW the acronym for Jehovah’ witness can be easily changed to Jew by adding an E in between the J and the W . That means that all documents the say the Nazi’s were killing Jews were tampered with . Who could of done this well some say there is a Jewish conspiracy to take the world hence why the Jews were persecuted but, this prove it was the Jehovah’s Witnesses all along that were trying to take over the world using the banking system.
-
5go
[ edit ] Famous Jehovah’s Witnesses
- Chuck Norris - Actually No, he would kill one just for thinking about him. He is that much of a bad ass !
- Michael Jackson left because he said there was one to many pedophiles in this religion. His video thriller is a documentary about his life as a Witness.
-
5go
I finished it.
-
the dreamer dreaming
JW belief continued:
the ressurection: a copy of a faithful deceased JW will be allowed to work forever as one of many worker ants in the new mound, er, earth. The original JW is dead and there is nothing connecting him to the new copy as he had no soul other than perhaps musically. The spirit is seen as nothing more than electricity that powered the original motor, which was allowed to rust away, but the new motor occupies the same space so it is the old motor to everyone else. Most JWs ignore this completely because they were told that the end of the world would be a week from thursday and so they don't have to worry about the fact that they will still die even though they were completely faithful and they worked for a copy's existance and not their own.