by 5go 19 Replies latest social humour
Make up something for articles on the presidents.
Something on the organization, origins, teaching, and history.
Oh and former witness.
Remember most people reading this will not be witnesses so try to keep it in a outside point of view. Oh and it doesn't have to be true in fact just make something that sounds true. That is the point of uncyclopedia.
The Presidents of the Jehovah’s Witnesses ( AKA the Jim Jones wanabe club )
Pastor Charles Taze “ The Devil “ Russell
Joseph Franklin “ The Judge” Rutherford
Nathan Homer “ The Simpson” Knorr
Frederick William “ The Kaiser’ Franz
Milton George “The Bush” Henschel
Don Alden “ The Family Man” Adams
Guide to Jehovah's Witness Terminology:
Jehober's Witnesses
From my thread, feel free to use whatever you can.
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/134097/1.ashx:
Kingdom Hall- a building where Jehovah's Witnesses meet so that their minds are all in harmony with the
Governing Body (leaders) of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, their parent corporation. These buildings
are never referred to as "churches" although that is what they are. If you say "Oh, you mean a church." the
Witnesses will run away from you expecting lightning to strike you instantly. (This is the secret way to get rid
of Jehovah's Witnesses.)
Kingdom Halls usually have 200 seats or so which are fairly uncomfortable. Witnesses sit in them to hear lectures
about Jehovah God, the lectures being extremely uncomfortable. The building usually have no windows in them.
It is believed that this facilitates their belief that everyone outside is being struck by lightning for missing the lecture.
It is also believed that no windows hides the rituals going on inside the building. Rituals, according to sources,
include offering of children to the parent corporation should they need them for any tasks, and slapping crying
babies that dare to cry during the meetings. The same sources say that songs are used to induce a feeling of
oneness with the leaders and to gently push the minds of members into believing everything they hear inside the
building.
Kingdom Halls are built in 3 days by volunteers. Nobody knows what the hurry is, but it leads to shoddy construction.
If they were to take longer, perhaps they could get windows, and perhaps the plumbing would work better.
After construction is complete, the Witnesses who regularly use the building spend every Saturday thereafter
trying to repair and clean the results of the shoddy construction.
Virtually every Kingdom Hall has a parking lot that is not big enough for all the automobiles brought to each meeting,
so the Witnesses park in the surrounding neighborhood, making sure to walk on the resident's grass and talk loudly
after 10 PM on their way out of the Kingdom Hall.
All visitors are welcome to the Kingdom Hall for any of their meetings. No collections are taken, they just ask you to
leave your brain at the door.
Fred Franz - The fourth president of the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society, an Armageddon Doomsday cult originating in the late nineteenth century in Pennsylvania, spreading like gangrene through Brooklyn, NY and then the world. The cult is known for being a huge printing company with mind-controlled drones selling the printed materials. Fred Franz learned his trade from the second president of the cult, Joseph Rutherford (see above) who taught him "Write whatever you need to write in order to succeed, just make sure there are some scriptures cited to make it appear as if God wrote it."
During the presidency of the third president, Nathan Knorr (see above), Fred was given the title of ORACLE because he could make the Bible say anything. Just when scholars outside of the organization started to object to his prophecies being in harmony with the Bible, Fred was given the green light to re-write the entire Bible, making it fit whatever doctrines and dogmas he had already written. He pretended to be an expert on ancient Greek, and that others on his staff were experts on ancient Hebrew. He is most famous for inserting the name "Jehovah" all over his Bible where God, Lord, or Jesus Christ belongs.
Fred's power went to his head, and he predicted the end of the world in 1975, learning from Rutherford that drones don't work hard unless they think Armageddon is coming awefully soon. For more than 5 years up to 1975, he encouraged speakers at Jehovah's Witnesses conventions and meeting places (see Kingdom Hall) to start a frenzy about Mankind now being 6000 years old, ignoring all scientific evidence to the contrary. Somehow, he made people believe that 6000 was a magical number, necessitating the destruction of more than 99% of mankind, even without a single scripture in his new Bible.
When Doomsday didn't arrive in 1975, the organization's board of directors forgave Franz for doing the same thing the first two presidents did, but when Fred's nephew (see Raymond Franz) said that Watch Tower corporation was keeping people out of heaven, well it made the entire publishing company look bad, so Fred was punished by being stripped of any real power, and having to allow other writers to take over. The board of directors (see Governing Body) assumed all power and did things just as badly as Fred has done.
Jehovah's Witnesses - members of the Armageddon Doomsday cult known for giving their entire lives and earnings and weekends to the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society of NY, a multimillion dollar publishing company. They can be recognized in the Summer by the fact that they are wearing suits and ties in fast food establishments, and name tags. The tag will tell you where they escaped from for that weekend. These people believe that at any moment 99.9% of the world population will be destroyed, and that they will be the only survivors because they sold magazines for the publishing company that had the wrong name for God on them (see Jehovah). After the destruction of virtually all of mankind, these Witnesses will be able to sit under any fig tree or kick beach balls against elephants and lions.
Jehovah's Witnesses come from all walks of life, but are usually window washers or carpet cleaners. They are the only poor people on record who have at least 5 sets of dress clothing available to them. They are also known for pretending to have high moral values.
These folks believe everything that is written in the Watchtower magazine, even if it contradicts itself or common knowledge. Any who stop believing in the things in this magazine are punished by being labled "independent thinkers" and none of the others will talk to them anymore.
Apparently, Jehovah's Witnesses are created two very different ways. The common method is for them to recruit new adult members by getting into their homes on weekly visits, implanting a hidden device in the home, and using this device to drive the householder insane, but before anybody notices the insanity, they install a new personality complete with standard responses to any questions of their new bizarre beliefs.
The second method, fairly new, is for Witnesses to keep their windowless places of worship (see Kingdom Hall) damp and dark for the pods to mature in what is known as the "second school." New Jehovah's Witnesses pop out of the pods every summer. They are taken to the JW conventions where their totally empty minds are filled with doctrine and the same standard responses given by the first method.
From AK-Jeff:
Joseph Rutherford -
A man with a vision to create the single most restrictive religious order on the earth, to cover his real business of selling books, and buying mansions in San Diego for 'wintering'. Under his tutelage, a man named Fredrick Franz rewrote the Bible while claiming to understand all the ancient languages, having never studied them. Rutherford's religious order, known as Jehovah's Witnesses, is known for it's continued 'new light' that covers all the old light that is wrong, keeps it's members from joining political parties, getting educations, getting involved in charity, or using blood. This group will soon be ushered into the New World, as Rutherford himself began to proclaim with certainty in 1918.
From Arthur:
Charles T. Russell - A nineteenth century pastor who defied the Faithful and Discreet Slave Class by venturing off on his own to start his own private Bible study group. An man of modest demeanor, and a distrust for razors, Russell began publishing the Watchtower magazine; the Talmud of the Jehovah's Witness enclave. Russell, who had a fetish for pyramids and miracle wheat built his small group of Bible students into what would eventually become a book printing company with volunteer workers as it's sales force. Russell's grave; which looks like an Aztec ruin, can be fount outside of Pittsburgh, PA - home of one of the most yawn-evoking baseball teams of all time.
Watchtower Magazine - The bi-monthly journal of the Jehovah's Witnesses, published by the Watchtower Bible Manipulation Company. Published in dozens of languages; and left at countless laundromats; the Watchtower is a well spring of progressive knowledge written by a regressive organization. New Light can be readily found in it's pages, as well as life-saving information on topics ranging from the danger of Yoga, to the joys of kissing JW leader's asses. The magazine can be found stuffed in screen doors, under door mats, and laying on post office floors - yet must never be thrown away as this would show disrepect for it's author; Jehovah a.k.a. Slave Class.
Faithful and Discreet Slave Class - (see "God" - pg. 249)
Pedophile Scandal
Jehovah Witnesses have recently settled major lawsuits about their pedophile problem. When asked about it the head of the catholic church said " That is why you shouldn’t join a cult." When the pope was asked about his churches pedophile problem he said "Where did you here that from. That was made up by the Devil’s media." When asked about the pope's accusation, the devil failed to make a comment.
From what I have read at uncyclopedia, your entries have too much actual truth in them.
You are trying to make WTS look like a bizarre religion with truth instead of comedy.
They will ultimately reject them because you are trying to make a point. Mine were
not accepted, either. Somebody removed them. Stick with comedy, though. Take the
truth and spin it to ridiculous. Sticking with truth that is ridiculous is not that funny.
From what I have read at uncyclopedia, your entries have too much actual truth in them.
You are trying to make WTS look like a bizarre religion with truth instead of comedy.
They will ultimately reject them because you are trying to make a point. Mine were
not accepted, either. Somebody removed them. Stick with comedy, though. Take the
truth and spin it to ridiculous. Sticking with truth that is ridiculous is not that funny.
I know that is why if you look at my articles they keepp getting smaller over time as I get the facts out of the way. I just need some thing to start it off with
I just need some thing to start it off with
One of the quotes about the word "witness" might work.
"What did they see, anyway?" "I didn't see anything, but Jehovah's Witnesses apparently did."
I think they will reject anything that doesn't have a great first line. Work on that more than
the article, itself.
