Quick question! (page 4)

limbogirl

Emily- Glad to hear you've made a counseling appointment. You are the victim of EMOTIONAL ABUSE. He may not be able to help it -- as you've said in an earlier post -- but your responsibility is not to try and fix him or try to rationalize why this is happening so that you can stay with him. He is a very broken, damaged person and by your description of his behavior he will more than likely stay this way. His emotional abuse even extends to his own son -- he allowed the two of you to get close and now is pulling the rug out from under both of you in some bizarre effort to get back into the good graces of the people at the hall. Your life will be miserable if you continue in this relationship. Instead of spending your time driving by the hall to check on him you should go to a good bookstore and pick up some books on emotional and verbal abuse -- you will be shocked when you start reading and identifying with the information. You will start to understand that this is NOT NORMAL and that you don't have to accept it. All the best - LimboGirl

emilyblue

One of the elders called him last weekend and they scheduled the JC for this past Monday. Yes, it was brought to a head by my confession to my bible study teacher. After I told him that I had told her, he knew he had to face the music. He called his ex-wife later that week to let her know she was "free" to remarry, she called the elders, and they contacted him and even tried to come by his apartment on several occasions and questioned why his car wasn't in the lot. He had been out of town all last week. At first he was very angry with me a couple of weeks ago when I told him that I had come clean with my bible study teacher about why I was really studying to be a Witness and what we had done physically. But he forgave me for it and admitted that it was on his head, not mine.

drew sagan

emilyblue,

From time to time people in your situation come on this board looking for help. Like the many other posters have allready said, just let this go. As long as this guy remains committed to the JW religion he will never fully love you, peroid. It's time to move on, there are many other fish in the sea.

J-ex-W

At first he was very angry

But he forgave me

and admitted that it was on his head, not mine.

Aimee...his perception of the situation/ YOU will vary dramatically with his MOOD and AIM at a given moment. Don't expect that his assessment of the circumstance will rest here. He's not done swinging/ blaming you--and/ or anyone else--for his actions...not by a long shot. Whatever is likely to get him his 'way' at a given moment...this is the position he will adopt--and expect YOU to do the same. The ride is far from over, Hon.

drew sagan

I just wanted to add a description to what I meant by 'committed' to the JWs.

If he believes in any way shape or form that the JWs have the truth, you will have a terrible marriage. Eventually the guilt he has inside will drive him back to the Kingdom Hall and make him want to be a member again.

JWs are told never to talk to ex-members (i.e. everybody on this board). I don't know what opinions you have of the JWs, but all of us here (give or take a few) believe pretty much all of their teachings to be in error, the organization to be corrupt, and their services to be a waste of time. If you started to tell him 1/100 of the stuff we talk about on this site he will more than likely run very far away from you. He might even criticize you for being on here. Just let your feelings be known and don't hide them. It may be enough for him to realize that he will never get what he wants out of you.

emilyblue

I KNOW I have a problem. I KNOW I have been ignoring red flags all year. But it's like I've lost my trust in myself and my gut instincts because I started second-guessing myself and my behavior and how I treated him. I started to think that maybe he was right and I am overly emotional and I have been stingy with money when I have the ability to help him pay his back taxes and his creditors but I just told him I didn't feel comfortable doing it. I rationalized that I was already paying his cell phone bill and paying for our dinners whenever we would go out and our groceries when we would eat in. He says that I am high maintenance because I require so much reassurance from him, but I was not like that until I started doubting myself. He is the most high-maintenance person I've ever had experience with. It's ok for him to call me at 2 in the morning when he is feeling "anxious" or alone and send me 50 text messages a day and freak out when I can't reply to them, but the second I need reassurance, I am being whiney and self-centered. It seems I spend almost every day apologizing for something I've said or done, but he never apologizes for his behavior even when he admits he is too domineering and nagging. He gives me reasons why he has to treat me that way, because I'm "stubborn" and I have to "learn things the hard way" and he's "just trying to protect me from the consequences of my behavior." He tells me one day how much he loves me and NEEDS me and wants me, but the next day when I'm upset about having to sneak around, he tells me if I don't think he's worth it then I can just move on. He threatens the entire relationship when I bring up a concern I have. One time I completely lost my temper when he told me he felt I was unstable because that was the pot calling the kettle black. I told him that if I'm the unstable one, then how come I'm not the one who's gone through six jobs in less than a year? How come I'm not the one with creditors calling at least twice a week? How come I'm not the one hearing imaginary demons calling my cell phone and having nightmares about murder? I just lost it. I didn't yell, but I did throw his faults in his face with those questions. He said he hasn't really gotten over the hurt I caused him when I said those things to him, and I apologized later that same night, but he hasn't forgiven me because he still brings it up every time he gets annoyed or angry. Reading this makes me further realize that this is not love, and I'm just as mentally messed up as he is for agonizing over a lost cause. You all must think I'm nuts and maybe I am. A year ago I never felt like I was abnormal, unstable, or unlovable. I don't think I will ever be the same person again, but I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now. Thanks for reading, and thank you for trying to give me wake-up calls. I guess he's right that I always have to learn things the hard way. I just kept hoping and praying things would change, and at first I thought it was just his job and financial instability that was causing him to be this way, and with each new job he started I felt hopeful that things would get better. But then he started going to meetings again and all the religious problems started.

Jez

A rule for all beginning relationships: The questions that you hold back asking now, will eventually be asked.

Would you rather ask now, "Is this relationship worth it to you?" or later?

There was not a doubt in my mind with my husband when we were dating that I felt like the following: (the Googoo dolls' song, "Iris")

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be"

Jez

OnTheWayOut

JWDaughter asked:

OTWO, why do non-repentant folks GO to the JC's? Not all are beligerent APOSTATES, right? So why would they go
and NOT be repentant? I can see going to the elders to tell them why I won't be a JW, but to go to a JC to be humiliated
seems odd. Have I been out so long that I am just missing something?

The rank-and-file member thinks that they don't have to do everything the JC tells him in order to be viewed
as repentant. They may tell him to break up with a woman (as is probably the case here) or stop calling
someone, or to change jobs, or something else that the person clearly doesn't want to do, therefore they
aren't viewed as truly repentant.

I was on a JC where the 19 year old girl was having sex. She only came forward because he came forward
with his elders. She told us everything, figuring that would keep her from being DF'ed. But it was obvious that
she only wanted to be in her best friend's wedding, so she didn't want to be DF'ed, she really didn't care about
repentence. She wasn't DF'ed, because we expected certain things from her, and she did them. She broke up
with the guy and got stronger with Jehovah.

In many cases, people feel that the JC doesn't have enough evidence to DF, but the elders DF anyway. That's
one of the more common experiences.

drew sagan

But then he started going to meetings again and all the religious problems started.

And it will continue to be that way.

Answer this question: Do you think that the Jehovah's Witnesses have the Truth?

If you believe any other answer other than yes you will never have a happy relationship with this man. There will be a divide between the two of you deeper than you can ever imagine. As long as your relationship lasts he will feel pain for not 'doing the right thing' by staying JW. He will continue to keep going back to the JWs as long as he still thinks they have the truth.

If he is unwilling to accept the fact that the JWs do not have the truth there is no happy future for the two of you.

It's a hard decision, but you must realize there is no middle ground. Run from this mess before it overtakes you.

J-ex-W

emilyblue----------- It is NOT YOU that is unstable here. It is DEFINITELY HIM...and it is his AIM to make you *BELIEVE* YOU ARE THE ONE whose judgment needs to be questioned, because it makes you all the more

c-o-n-t-r-o-l-l-a-b-l-e for him.

These are time-honored tactics he is using...whether he is fully aware of that fact or not. You being prey to this DOES NOT imply 'defect' in you!!! It implies trust, trustworthiness, and hope--which are being taken FULL ADVANTAGE OF BY A CON MAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once you become fully educated about the intents, tactics, and warning signs of these types of con men, you will GET OVER THIS ONE and will move on--and will AVOID THE NEXT ONE..........................like any other victim of a con game. Keep your plans for the counselling appt. Honestly, I would recommend doing anything it takes, between now and then, to keep you from talking to him as well. He is not an honest-hearted individual. You deserve--and can have...and WILL HAVE--so much BETTER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep plugging away at it...you WILL GET PAST THIS ONE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hugs,

J-ex-W

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