Quick question! (page 3)

tijkmo

I was concerned he would hate my guts after being disfellowshipped last night, but it's the opposite.

i'm afraid there is a chance that this might change..

when he starts to feel the isolation, the loss of family and friends , the inhumanity of not being allowed to speak to people - or to get literature - or when he starts shouting at god (who he will then find out isn't listening )..then it is very likely that you will be who he blames for being in that predicament..

this could go either way..

could be he says screw them - and comes completely out in the open with you - and opts against reinstatement

or he will take it out on you - verbally physically mentally.

i wish you well.

emilyblue

Well I want to thank all of you very much for replying to me. He came over last night and we talked some more. He was starting to get annoyed with all of my questions and felt I was concentrating too much on my feelings and not his. He told me that nothing is really changed about our relationship; we just can't go out to dinner and movies and etc. until either his appeal is successful or he is reinstated. He gets his son from his first marriage every other weekend, and I grew close to his son this past year and have always done things with them on his visitation weekends. He told me again last night when I asked about how those weekends would work that we probably couldn't see each other in front of his son (who's six years old) because his son might mention it to his mother is a VERY active Witness, and it could get back to his elders and it would make him appear unrepentant. We stopped the physical aspect of our relationship several months ago when he felt so guilty about it. We have had slip-ups occasionally, but not actual sex. He told me that we can no longer have those slip-ups anymore and we can't be physical again until we're married. I started to feel sorry for myself and asked him what he expected me to do on those weekends when we're not together. I moved to this state last summer to be with him, and between work and my relationship with him, I just haven't really made strong connections with anyone here yet. He told me I needed to go back to the hall and make some friends. It's funny he says that, because in the past when I have gone out with co-workers for dinner or shopping, he used to call my cell constantly and ask me when I was coming home. He said I'm an adult now and I need to start acting like one, and stop whining because he can't take me out to dinner or a movie. He said all that matters is that we spend time with each other. I asked him what if he is disfellowshipped for a whole year, will we still have to lay low? He said he didn't know. When I said I couldn't spend an entire year or more living like that, he said fine, go out and start dating other guys, and see how you like that in a few months and you'll call me and cry and be ready to come back to me. He also told me that he didn't see me being serious about drawing closer to God because he never sees me study or open the bible and I never ask him questions I should be asking. I told him I pray every day and he told me that's not enough, I have to start attending meetings and starting up my study again. I tried to explain to him that I was just feeling insecure and needed some reassurance that our relationship would still be a priority. He told me of course it would be, but he would not put our relationship before his relationship with Jehovah. He said nothing, not even his son, could come before God. He went on and on about how all we had to do was be united in our devotion to Jehovah. I don't understand why it's ok to be with me in private, where God can still see, but not ok in public where the elders or anyone in his church can see. I know that this is just a glimpse into what my world would be like if we were to make it to marriage. I know this life is not for me. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I KNOW that. I have to find the strength to walk away. I realized that last summer was the most "normal" our relationship ever was, but he says he was so unhappy last summer because he was so spiritually weak. It's just disturbing to me to see someone's relationship with God make him a weirder person instead of a more grounded one. This is just so hard.

emilyblue

Another thing I don't understand is that he said he is talking allthe time to his JW family and friends on the phone in NY, and they are all encouraging him and speaking with him even though he is disfellowshipped. He also told me that he was going to draw closer to some Witness friends of his that he knew 12 years ago when he first moved to this state after marrying his first wife. Everything I have read on here led me to believe that they could not socially interact with him, but he says they can still talk to him, just not about spiritual things.

averyniceguy

he will be officially disfellowshipped when they announce it at the Kingdom Hall, then the shunning will begin. I think.

found-my-way

emily,

if you marry him, you will regret it.

his love is conditional, it's not real love at all.

You deserve better, if you are smart, (which i know you are)

you will leave and find someone else who will give you honesty, respect and unconditional love. He is giving you none of that.

he's been divorced TWICE for a reason..maybe his ex wives could give you some sound reasons as to why you shouldnt be with him.

Listen to your brain, HUGE RED FLAGS ARE THERE! DONT IGNORE THEM!

limbogirl

Emily-

PLEASE -- find a competent marriage/family counselor, print out all of your postings here, and go discuss this with a professional therapist. Don't ask your ex-boyfriend to go with you....I doubt he would go anyway...you need to go for yourself to get some help with this situation before you waste any more of your time and life with this man.

You need to make a clean break from this man and from his religion and you need to figure out why it is that you tolerate being treated this way.

Best wishes for you to move past this situation and find love and happiness elsewhere.

LimboGirl

emilyblue

Since he has a week to write a letter requesting an appeal, will they postpone announcing his disfellowship until after the appeal takes place? Also, will other Witnesses truly shun him and not talk to him at all, or will they just not talk about spiritual things with him? The reason why I'm asking this is because he has no other social connections, and all of his family lives out of state. I'm just trying to figure out what to expect. I can't imagine him dealing with being shunned very well.

emilyblue

I just set up a counseling appointment for next week. I've been meaning to do that for a long time now because it scares me to realize that I've lost my grasp of what a "normal" relationship looks like and I don't know how I've let myself get to this point. After we have problems, I tell myself that this is finally the last straw, but it never is. I just keep going back for more, even long after I recognized the pattern to his and my behavior. He is so loving one minute and thinks I am the most wonderful thing in his life, and then literally the next day after I disappoint him in however small a way, he tells me I am self-centered and have never really been there for him and then lists everything I have ever done to let him down. I know it is probably frustrating for some of you to read this because I appear oblivious to what is going on, but I'm not. It's just very hard to get my heart to follow my head out of this relationship when I moved here to be with him and have spent over a year trying to work things out. I started second-guessing myself several months ago and felt like he was right and that I was selfish in our relationship, but I am now realizing it's just one big head trip. He's not doing it intentionally. He just can't seem to help himself. As someone posted, it's just the way his mind works. Both of his ex-wives were staunch Witnesses, so I'm a fool to think my converting to a JW would solve all of our problems.

jgnat

Oh, honey,

He just can't seem to help himself.

Neither can you, it seems. AFTER you decide to break it off for good and QUIT YOUR JOB to get away from him, plan to move ACROSS THE COUNTRY, you STILL drive past the Kingdom Hall to see how his JC is going? I, personally, am SICK of hearing about all his dysfunction. You DO NOT WANT to be girlfriend number three to this mess of a man. I want to know more about you. You are disappearing, and it is tormenting to watch.

By the way, that is pretty d#$%^ fast work by the elders, there, to book a JC. Did they operate on the tip from your study leader, or did he decide to turn himself in?

Also, it is absolutely true that there is NOTHING holding him back from marrying you this instant. What they gonna do? DF him twice? Except that he is a dysfunctional mess, narcicisst, completely absorbed in self and unsatisfied with the "performance" of ANY woman in his life. Joy. Quick, run down to Wal-mart and pick out a white dress.

J-ex-W

Both of his ex-wives were staunch Witnesses, so I'm a fool to think my converting to a JW would solve all of our problems.

emilyblue------- Borrowing from your own terminology, you'd 'be a fool to think' your doing A-N-Ything could solve [ANY] of your problems. YOU are a problem solver, emilyblue. HE is NOT. YOU are a win-win person. He is a win-lose person. YOU look for situations/ solutions that benefit/ satisfy BOTH people. HE looks for situations/ solutions that benefit HIM--so that he will 'win' and the other person will 'lose.' There is N-O-T-H-I-N-G you can do that will change this about him. It is a losing proposition for A-N-Y-O-N-E to have close relationship with him. You can never LOSE enough to satisfy him.

Good for you that you set up that counseling appt.!! Read as much as you can about abuse in general, and verbal abuse in particular, before you go. Copy these threads and any PM's and read them again before you go...and bring copies to leave with your therapist. And expect to go more than once. This is not a quick fix. But it's an absolutely worthwhile one!!! [As, in Y-O-U are worthwhile...!!!!] You go, Girl!!

J-ex-W

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