Loosing Moms We Never Had

by Sparkplug 50 Replies latest social relationships

  • Sparkplug
    Sparkplug

    When my mom first came to live with me, I begrudged it. I was angry. I left home at age 14 and that was fine by me. I had been out of the home for at least 20 years and I was determined I would pay the debt off of her giving birth to me and it would be over. I loathed her and I would be seething mad at every little move she made. Things have been so bad between us that about the third or fifth time she tried suicide all I did was ask if she succeeded. I tend to internalize everything, so even the sight of her made me close up and head straight for bed. Depression set in fast when she came here to stay.

    My mom had what she called parasites and she would dig holes at her own body trying to get them off of her. She had oozing sores as big as a half dollar everywhere she could reach and constantly conversed about her sores. If you tried to tell her it was in her head she would become angry and start to leave back to be with her ex-husband. He is a real work of art and has to be one of the scariest people I have ever met. Herbert is what I will call him for all purposes. He is tall and has that greenish look to him of a homebound serial killer personality. I am not joking. I would be willing to lay big money on the idea that he has probably done some really sick things in his lifetime. He is the kind of weirdo that his idea of not cheating on my mom is going to those huge XXX shops and staring at the naked ladies through the windows as he whacks off in a public place. (All the while professing to be one of the anointed)

    So as you can tell, going back to old Herbert is not an option. She looked so horrible when she got here that I had no choice but to set all that I could aside and help her. I took her in and in spite of being in a hell of a marriage; I tried to make it comfortable for her. So with a household that consist of myself and my husband, my three children and every other two weekends my two step-children, we struggled through it. We did it for a little over a year and then my JW brother took his turn.

    During that time my marriage ended and I realized that there was no way mentally I could handle having my mother back here and she could not handle the activity of our house either. So my brother has kept her since then. My kids used to go and stay for weekends and days in the summer to keep her spirits up and that was fun for her and them. As the older ones got other interest, it narrowed down to just the youngest visiting and here and there I drop in. This last year she has progressively gotten worse. She has truly become a little old lady.

    My brother has needed more help and twice a week the older kids have gone in and started to do chores for her. One goes for an hour mid week and one goes for an hour on Sunday. Well I have noticed this last few months that this is not really enough and I have made it so all of us go on Wednesdays and Sundays and still this is not enough.

    My brother has a new job and has to travel and a week ago I had to go for breakfast lunch and dinner to care for her. This was not good enough. She has lost bladder control and truly has lost her mind. To top it all off, I now have to bath her and no sooner have I bathed her than she does it again…

    At first I just helped her into the shower and made sure she did not fall. If I thought that was mind blowing…well I was in for a surprise. It took about three times before I realized she did not wash when I put her in there. So I then stayed to see what she was doing. “Suck it up and just freaking do this,” I told myself. It did not take me long to realize that she can’t reach her parts and she can’t even remember why she is in the freaking shower. What is worse is I realized that those sores that she has been saying are parasites and has scratched at for a good ten years extend to places she cannot reach. I now am brought to tears and don’t know what to think. Could I have been wrong and treated my mom like a crazy shit all this time when obviously there is something? I am not saying she is not crazy…but to see physically parts of her that she cannot reach infected by this same thing and yet not exacerbated by her constant picking…well ….it has me really confused and [email protected]#^@%&ed up in the head. Mainly my mind has closed off and I tend to drink a lot after bathing her. Yeah, Yeah I know this is not a great thing, but you know what? Yeah I bet you do and WTF EVER!!! Staring down the parts you came out of really does a number on your head especially when you never got along and even hated the person carrying those parts. Now to find out I may have been a good portion of wrong, well I sure might need a good portion of therapy for a good bit.

    Lately though I just go through the routine with ease and I find that singing Afroman’s song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=305vRNoofr8 while doing it keeps me laughing. She seems to like the tune and does not remember it in five minutes so it is all good.

    I can go insane like this. She is not a small woman and she is stubborn when she wants to be. She has fallen three times this week. My brother dead lifts her but I cannot. So when he leaves this next month for work, I am wondering how in the hell am I to get her up off the floor since she refuses to use her walker?

    She constantly raids the fridge and carries all the food to her room without the walker…thus she falls and we have this alarm system that she needs to wear about her neck. The alarm people call and if they get no answer…they call me. But she cannot call them if she does not have her alarm button on her and she constantly TAKES IT OFF!!

    Last week she tried to twist her dogs head off because she said it wet her bed. (She did it) and when he bit her she tried to call the SPCA because in her words, “there is something seriously wrong with a dog that tries to bite you when you are teaching it a lesson.”

    Now as humorous as I find this…I know it is seriously scary.

    Then a few nights ago I was sitting there and running a fever. She asked me if I had ever taken Tylenol with Codeine. So I thought on it and deciding that sometime in my life I have, I said yes, she looked at me and serious as can be told me to be careful because when the little bugs go underground or if I tried to get into the underworld, “they” can trace you. She gave me that evil eye look like I am supposed to know what is going on and this must be a code that we know to keep it secret from the guards that run the camp.

    I was all about mouthing the word "WOW" as soon as I was out of her sight.

    So today FINALLY help came. There is a lady who will come in twice a week and bathe her and Monday there is a meeting to see if there can be somebody to sit with her during the week or if she can get into a home. I hate to put her in a nursing home, but that is my choice. My brother is really against it, but today he told me that is where she needs to be,. We fed her lunch and just getting her to put her hands on the walker handles was a huge ordeal. She stared at them like she had never seen them in her life. Then as I watched her putter into the room and about start to sit down where there was no chair beneath her…I realized it is too late to mourn a loss of a mom that I never really did have.

    I can think of a few fun things and actually even if it is a bit sick, it is pretty damn funny to me how she described trying to rip her dogs head off.. So I am finding myself a bit confused and lost because a few people will tell me they know how hard it is and how I will go through all these emotions and I have sworn I will feel nothing. NOTHING for this woman. It was a child’s oath I know, but It really has not phased me except for anger my whole life. Now as I see these things happen or people talk to me on how hard it is to be a parent to your parent I know I look ridiculous as I have tears rolling down my face and my teeth are clenched, this knot in my throat is as big as an apple and it hurts. I am turning friendships and personal life and home life upside down. I see myself messing up and I can’t seem to stop it. I have not even hugged this woman since I was about 8 unless it was forced on me and here I am worrying if the elastic band on her panties is going to aggravate her rash ………

    Anyhow A. D. D. is kicking in and my mind is shutting down I cant tell which one is going win the race. So, I will stop now. I am not even sure what I am asking or if I am asking something.

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie

    Sparky, from your description, I gather that your Mom was a much less than perfect parent, even to the extent of inspiring repugnance in her children when she was more acceptably mentally acute.

    She doesn't actually know or even remember from one minute to the next what is going on with herself. Does she have Alzheimer's? Sounds like it. And Alzheimer's is what my stepfather died with. I feel that he deserved it, child molesting pervert that he was.

    Be that as it may, you need to realize that none of you (you and your siblings) can afford the emotionally and physically draining labor that is entailed in caring for someone in your mother's condition. They require 24 hr supervision and your mother definitely needs to be under a doctor's care for those sores.

    Sheee-it, Sparky! You put yourself out so much for the welfare of others. I've seen you caring for flood victims and others in need....and you're relentless in your caring and giving nature. Give it up, chere! Your Mom's not going to know the difference when she's placed in a nursing home. And yall can all be relieved for the fact that she will be cared for in a safe environment round the clock. You won't have to worry about her constantly.

    Relax, Sparky. And do what ya gotta do.

    Hugs,

    Frannie

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    Don't be surprised if the major emotion is relief. And that's OK too.

    You and your brother went above and beyond for your mom-who-couldn't-mother. The burden of wondering if she is alive or dead or sitting in a pool of her own urine, will be gone. Relief.

    When I acknowledged that my mom couldn't be a mother, I kind of had a little funeral in my head for all that I never had. That was a grief in a way. I think I'm healthier for doing that, I was able to accept my mom for who she is.

    My sister is still angry.

  • fullofdoubtnow
    fullofdoubtnow

    ((((Decki))))

    I can't imagine what you must have gone through.

    My parents never showed me anything but love, even though they hated some of the choices I made in life.

    It must be very hard, despite everything that she has put you through, to think of putting her into care, but it sounds like the best option to me for all of you. She will have the level of care she needs, and you will have the relief of knowing that.

    I wish you all well

    Linda

  • Sparkplug
    Sparkplug

    Sparky, from your description, I gather that your Mom was a much less than perfect parent, even to the extent of inspiring repugnance in her children when she was more acceptably mentally acute.

    She doesn't actually know or even remember from one minute to the next what is going on with herself. Does she have Alzheimer's? Sounds like it. And Alzheimer's is what my stepfather died with. I feel that he deserved it, child molesting pervert that he was.

    Be that as it may, you need to realize that none of you (you and your siblings) can afford the emotionally and physically draining labor that is entailed in caring for someone in your mother's condition. They require 24 hr supervision and your mother definitely needs to be under a doctor's care for those sores.

    Sheee-it, Sparky! You put yourself out so much for the welfare of others. I've seen you caring for flood victims and others in need....and you're relentless in your caring and giving nature. Give it up, chere! Your Mom's not going to know the difference when she's placed in a nursing home. And yall can all be relieved for the fact that she will be cared for in a safe environment round the clock. You won't have to worry about her constantly.

    Relax, Sparky. And do what ya gotta do.

    Hugs,

    Frannie

    Frannie, She has not been diagnosed as such. And yes, I do want her in a home. I have for quite a bit now. But my brother has thought he could handle it. I don't think he thought the feminine cleansing part out too well. And as much as he would fashion this is his decision, it has made it my life. He likes to say most sarcastically to me, "What else would you be doing with your night?" I keep thinking to myself uh I don't know what I could possibly be wanting to do with my night. With three kids, and a full time job, a bad habit of staying up late, a bag full of things undone, and a house full of chores. There is not a god damn thing I need to do aside from wash granny one more time because you decided we don't need to put her in a home. But instead I just say something like. Give me a minute I will be over there.

    I don't know, it is not worth the fight to me. He knows she needs to go in a home now. There is no use in fighting about it. He did what he thought was right and guys have a different emotional makeup. I am sure when he saw it was not working it had to be frustrating. He also does not understand a "mom" tired. He has mom and himself. Her dog and a bird and a fish or two. He makes more money, has less stress and his job is way understanding andhe has power there. Me I am a little guy on the chain. I get written up for being three minutes late. And with three kids and being SOOO not a morning person....I am always late.

    So Monday we may have help. I sure hope so. Or at least be closer to a plan.

    BTW she does not pick at her sores now so they are all scars. She just has a huge rash you get from being heavy in the rolls. It is really gross cuz I did not know it was there and I have not had one. So I felt so bad when I discovered it and iven worse when I had to clean it. I know it had to hurt her by the time I found it. It was really bad. It has cleared, and now a nurse will bath her twice a week in addition to if I have to, but I hope she gets placed soon.

  • Sparkplug
    Sparkplug
    When I acknowledged that my mom couldn't be a mother, I kind of had a little funeral in my head for all that I never had. That was a grief in a way. I think I'm healthier for doing that, I was able to accept my mom for who she is.

    I think it is easier now to not be angry at her. So I understand what you are saying here a bit. You cant stay angry when it is so apparent the person cant help themselves.

    Decki

  • truthsearcher
    truthsearcher

    Sparkplug:

    Wow, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain--it sounds so confusing for you right now! It is really difficult when children have to become the parents. I hope that you can get some rest and relief from knowing that your mom will be looked after.

    TS

  • Sparkplug
    Sparkplug

    I can't imagine what you must have gone through.

    My parents never showed me anything but love, even though they hated some of the choices I made in life.

    It must be very hard, despite everything that she has put you through, to think of putting her into care, but it sounds like the best option to me for all of you. She will have the level of care she needs, and you will have the relief of knowing that.

    I wish you all well

    Linda

    Linda,

    It is hard to not put her into care. I sit at work and worry what is she getting into. into...what is she eating, breaking, burning down etc...

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie
    He did what he thought was right and guys have a different emotional makeup. I am sure when he saw it was not working it had to be frustrating. He also does not understand a "mom" tired. He has mom and himself. Her dog and a bird and a fish or two. He makes more money, has less stress and his job is way understanding andhe has power there.

    I hope that all men, who in this lifetime cannot broaden their mind enough to encompass another's feelings and needs, are born as women in their next lives.

    BTW she does not pick at her sores now so they are all scars. She just has a huge rash you get from being heavy in the rolls. It is really gross cuz I did not know it was there and I have not had one. So I felt so bad when I discovered it and iven worse when I had to clean it. I know it had to hurt her by the time I found it. It was really bad. It has cleared, and now a nurse will bath her twice a week in addition to if I have to, but I hope she gets placed soon.

    Decki, I've cared for people who get that rash or redness and inflammation even under their breasts. The best thing to do when they're clean in that area is to make sure the area is dry, powder it with something like cornstarch AND put a small rolled up washrag between the folds. This will enable the area to stay dry and the problem will clear up with the skin getting to "breathe" and not being smothered and made sweaty by another layer of flesh.

    I'm glad this is coming to a resolution for you, Decki.

    Frannie

  • Merry Magdalene
    Merry Magdalene

    oh, Sparky, I had no idea what you've been going through {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

    ~Merry

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