Loosing Moms We Never Had

by Sparkplug 50 Replies latest social relationships

  • RAF


  • restrangled


    You are saner than you think.....Taking care of a parent in the condition you describle is unbearable.

    I will not go into it here, but humor in the strangest areas saved me, including wanting one of those hats where you can sip alchohol when you need it

    Take care of yourself, and I am sending much love and strength to you.


  • J-ex-W

    Sparkplug------- I am so glad my words did not offend you. I wanted to offer words of sympathy and encouragement and found, like you, that I had to express the immediate negative emotions before I could get through to expressing the other more positive stuff that is also there.

    I appreciate, too, your being patient with my ignorance of your full situation...I knew this to be the case on my part--and knew that my own experieneces were coloring my responses to the words on your page. But since I knew that in the midst of all of it is someone in much pain and in need of support, I was moved to try to offer--even fumbling--support, the best I could under [my] circumstances.

    I'm so sorry for all you've gone through...truly I am...and for what you continue to go through now. I think the fact that you DO find yourself feeling compassion toward her speaks very highly of your character as a person. Kudos to you, for that!!

    My pain comes in that my kids express NO compassion for me--under far lesser circumstances than what you've had to deal with--and it is a horrible fear of mine that I will then eventually fall under their callous, abusive 'care'...as given in example by their dad, my ex-husband [whom they side with--no adultery, ya know...and spousal abuse is permissible in that god-forsaken religion].

    Anyway, having gotten past the initial horror of my response, I FULLY sympathize with your situation (though I understand you don't ask sympathy--I give it willingly). The hope for healing that I was referring to was not with your mom--I understand some things being too far, too late. The hope for healing is solely for YOU...because nobody escapes from such a situation as you have endured without gaping wounds still to dress.

    I'm glad to hear that healing--and access healing resources (loving family, e.g.)--has been well underway for you for years. That is all I care for, for you. You deserve that. I'm glad to see you get it. Peace to you.......

  • parakeet

    Sparkplug, you have done your best taking care of your mom at home, which is more than most people are willing to do. My husband and I were in the same position as you -- taking care of his mom in our home. She also had dementia, was incontinent, and could not do anything for herself. And at that time, we also had our teenage son still living at home. Talk about trying to do it all!

    We exhausted ourselves trying to keep her clean, well fed, and happy. It was a 24-hour-a-day job for both of us. We had no time for ourselves or our son. We finally decided we had to place her in a nursing home to save our sanity and our family.

    Once we got through the miserable process of getting her settled in the nursing home, we found that the quality of the care she received there far exceeded anything we had been able to do. She had round-the-clock medical care, special equipment to bathe her (she was a big woman), and many distractions and entertainments suited to her state of mind and health.

    As hard as the decision to put her there had been, with hindsight we know now it was the best thing we could have done for her and for us.

    I know you're weighing your options right now, and I'm sure you'll do right by your mother, whether you decide to place her in a nursing home or keep her in your home. Good luck.

  • freedomloverr

    man sparky. what a full plate you've been dealing with. I don't see how you couldn't consider a home for your mom. still, it's such a challenging decision.

    I've thought of this with my own mother. I've had a horrible mother my whole life also and I wonder what will happen when this woman needs her children. will we be able to muster up enough compassion to do what she needs?

    you are a good daughter and a wonderful mother. thanks for the lesson....

  • Madame Quixote
    Madame Quixote

    Sometimes our parents are in better hands if they can be with someone objective, who has no history with them and who is trained to deal with all of the medical, psychiatric and physical needs they can develop at this stage in life. There is nothing wrong in letting her go and be free in a place where she might be surrounded by both objective and professional caretakers.

    If I were in your situation, I would try to find a way to justify doing that. A major justification for letting her go into longterm care is that there would be professional psychiatrists, other doctors, nurses and aides to cope with her many challenging issues. You and I are not equipped to deal with that stuff, especially with limited family support.

    On top of it, we had moms (requiring vigilant care) who were not especially nice to us in any normal, healthy ways, if I gather correctly from your posts. I hope you are able to give yourself permission to let her go and to have the kind of help she probably has always needed - including and not limited to psychiatric care from a caring professional.

    Good luck and best wishes with all of this!

  • Sparkplug


    Nobody has a right to feel angered by the comments you made, nobody has lived in your shoes and experienced the things you have. Anyone who has similar experiences can relate to some of the things and feelings you wrote about without feeling angry toward your attitude. To me you show an enormously patient and caring attitude toward someone who has not given you any reason to act in such a way. Your way of describing some of the aspects of what you are dealing with may shock some, but your continued action is only desrving of deep respect.

    I guess I am not angered because someone who has not been in the same place would look at it as a very disrespectful and possibly sick way of handling things. I know even my own sister who should actually by all means be a victim according to what she has said, has suffered the wrath of me and my mouth because I cant for the life of me figure out why she cant get over it all and just be a nice person. I tend to be very harsh on her and even though I know she is still a JDub and her mind has not opened up and seeing she has never had kids and never been DF'ed she has not been made strong...I tend to look at her like she is too week and forget to take into account that she is. And that is not really her fault. She does not get it and her life has conditioned her not to.

    So I get angry at her helplessness. I really had a huge butt chewing on her a few weeks back and although I felt pretty hot crap for it at the time, I really don't so much now. It is pretty stupid to chew out someone who does not have what it takes to comprehend what you are saying. so I vented and ranted to a dead shell. Then I felt I had to tell her as much. This was just as my mom was getting bad and I knew my mom would only get a bit of what my sister said if she called. but I called her just in case she wanted to be nice and check on her mom while her mom may still recognize her.

    I plainly told her that mom could not handle anything heavy and that it would just be cruel at this point. That mom was a broken person now and that basically if she wanted to talk about puppies and dogs and such things as sunshine and butterflies, she might have a nice conversation with mom. '

    So she called my mom up within a few minutes and tells her how every adult in her life let her down.. blah blah blah. That seems so bad of me to say. I should not be angry at what she had to say for I have never felt as helpless as she does. Sure I have been in her shoes but we handled the problems so different. So I guess what I am trying to say is...I understand that everyone is going to feel as they need to. And ex-j-w has a reason to react how they did. I don't mind. It does not change how I feel in my situation.

    Your right it is a shocking. I tend to be a bit raw and honest in writing. It is the only way I know to be. I think only by being that way can people perhaps see that perhaps someone else has thought those horrible little thoughts that go through their head or not. Who knows. I just like it as it is. Be as we are and say it as it is without hurting too many people.

    J-ex-W, whilst I know that some of the advice you gave was well intentioned and more likely than not correct, I ask you to really consider your feelings of anger towards someones attitude, who has so obviously, shockingly suffered at the hands of the person they are now one of the main carer's for.

    Its stange I am not angry at all at her anymore. the more I see her mind in this state...I see the more it never has been far from this state. Now with that I may pause for a moment.. I got a bit choked there.

  • Sparkplug

    Raf~ Thank you for all the love you have sent to me.

  • Sparkplug


    You are saner than you think.....Taking care of a parent in the condition you describle is unbearable.

    Somehow. I need to have a tatoo of that. You are Saner Than You Think. You Are Saner Than You Think.

    I hear Crazy people say, "I'm not crazy1"

    ... and sane people say, "Now I may be crazy, but..."


    Where do I find such hat?

  • tim hooper
    tim hooper


    You really need to stop blaming yourself here. This situation is not some form of karma (bleh) or retribution for all the horrible the things you imagine you've done. That is pure nonsense.

    We don't all get on with our parents, or even love them very much. That doesn't make you a monster; that makes you a victim of circumstances, nothing more, and although it's a sad situation, I suspect there are many of us reading this thread who are marvelling at your fortitude, whilst knowing all too well that we could never even begin to contemplate possessing your strength and determination.


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