by Sparkplug 50 Replies latest social relationships
that we could never even begin to contemplate possessing your strength and determination.
timbo~ says the man who handles his mom with ease.....come on now. The English are so damn modest. I bet you would so be kind to my crazy mom and not bat an eye. Make her Horlicks and all. Heck I drank my whole bottle and never thought she might want some till just now. See?
But thank you for your words. I get it. And I appreciate each one.
My pain comes in that my kids express NO compassion for me--under far lesser circumstances than what you've had to deal with--and it is a horrible fear of mine that I will then eventually fall under their callous, abusive 'care'...as given in example by their dad, my ex-husband [whom they side with--no adultery, ya know...and spousal abuse is permissible in that god-forsaken religion].
I am so sorry honey. I know this has to be hard. It is so hard when we realize we have taught our kids something that we see so clearly is wrong and harmful now. They dont and cant understand. And the JW does not allow them to learn. The best you can hope for is that something opens their eyes and keep forgiving and trying knowing they are truly blindfolded right now.
I am just waiting for the day my kids try to throw me over the garden center fence at midnight while the sprinklers are going and try to convince me it is a trip to Six Flaggs over Texas....You know my day is coming too. I have decided to start planning though just in case I was too bad as a mom so that perhaps I have some means to hire help in case they decide (heaven forbid) to not help...or even worse pay me back. lol
parakeet~
Once we got through the miserable process of getting her settled in the nursing home, we found that the quality of the care she received there far exceeded anything we had been able to do. She had round-the-clock medical care, special equipment to bathe her (she was a big woman), and many distractions and entertainments suited to her state of mind and health.
As hard as the decision to put her there had been, with hindsight we know now it was the best thing we could have done for her and for us.
I know you're weighing your options right now, and I'm sure you'll do right by your mother, whether you decide to place her in a nursing home or keep her in your home.
I want her in a home and have wanted her in one. I know it is more than we can take on. But it is not my decision alone. And he has the powwer. So HE chose to keep her in his home. I know that is HIS choice, but really, he just has to see it till he know it is not possible. And that time has come. He is on the same page as me now, but NOWit is a matter of will help get here fast enough before some disaster hits, she gets hurt, or I miss too much work while he is on a trip or perhaps my job etc... So tomorrow he is hitting the calls heavy. HE has to.
I've thought of this with my own mother. I've had a horrible mother my whole life also and I wonder what will happen when this woman needs her children. will we be able to muster up enough compassion to do what she needs?
Freedomlover, I bet it comes. It does anger you for a bit. but as you see how helpless they get...nature kicks in and a lot of the feelings just leave. You are truly a kind person I have seen...and there is no way you could with hold care from a helplesss person. It just comes.
On top of it, we had moms (requiring vigilant care) who were not especially nice to us in any normal, healthy ways, if I gather correctly from your posts. I hope you are able to give yourself permission to let her go and to have the kind of help she probably has always needed - including and not limited to psychiatric care from a caring professional.
Oh heck yeah...I am all about her psychiatric care. I actually think it is too far gone now. and throughout the years she did get help. But she did not understand or get any of it till after I left home at 14. I think I was about 15 when she first checked into a psych area. She has been on meds and such...doctors..counselors and psychs and all the likes. There is only so much they can do and I have to say they did wonders. Now, she needs someone to keep her physically safe. She is in danger of getting hurt. She dooes not know what she is doing.
I am ok with her going into a home. But...I don't hold the legal power. And my brother who does just now seees the importance of it. He WILL do it now, but it will take time. I just hope not too long. This could get very hard on him and I if it goes on too long. So far it is manageable...a bit tiresome...but manageable. But I cqan see it getting bad soon...like this week if it does not change quick. I don't really think she is long for this world really. It is odd how fast she is loosing her mind and capabilities physically. Just a month ago it was a LOT different.
It is a very big thing your brother is doing and that is what he is compelled to do. Nothing but the very most is what he feels will satisfy him and so he must do it. See?
Sparky thanks for that insight.
In thinking about your situation and my situation, I have to say that I have always resented that my mum has taken over my brother's life - am very very close to my brother - and i hate that she is so dependent. But at the same time I can see he wouldn't have it any other way. So i have to let things be.
thats life i suppose
keep strong and courageous
love
bernadette
I don't really think she is long for this world really. It is odd how fast she is loosing her mind and capabilities physically. Just a month ago it was a LOT different.
Sparkplug,
It does go quickly - my father (died 10 years ago) and my wife's mother (alive, in care) both had dementia but of different types. My dad went downhill for about 5 years slowly, but the last year was like falling down a cliff. He was cared for at home until the last year, but at a a great cost to my mother. In the end, it was either him into care or her collapsing. No arguement there - she is still going at 90years +, and admits that the move to care was a killer, but saved her. I know that you are heaps younger, but the toll is severe.
My wife's mother is a different case - really going downhill fast as she cannot care for herself & spends her days perpetually walking. Here, the emotional drain on the family was incredible, particularly as she became abusive and was perpetually running away.
In short, if I read your post right, please get your brother to get off his butt and get her into care. It is not the toll on the parent that is an issue (as long as the care facility is good) but it the toll on those around the parent. Those changes that you are seeing will get a l lot faster in coming and even more emotionally killing. I know.
Please take care - my thoughts are with you and especially for your family on this.
h9k
Oh hal~ You have had a road to go. I did get him off his butt, but it does not move so fast. Today we found that in order to get her in we have to prove she medically NEEDS to be under someones care in a nursing home. Easy enough. But first we have to get her to a psych and such to rule out it is not her meds and various things.
Then....here is where life sucks. We can either come up wih close to 4000 dollars. LMAO and find a place to put her in at about 150 to 200 a day for 30 days. At which time Medicaid or Medicare will see if they deem her needing help...and take over. Then they will give the money back when they are ready. (probably never)
So then. Next choice is put her in what is called a medicaid bed. They waive the first 30 days. till medicaid kicks in. But that is if you can find a suitable one. And then there is the difference between the short term and the long term care. so we need a 30 day bed and a long term bed...and about 4000 dollars. Oh yeah I see that happening.
At any rate. Step by step. We will get her to her psych appointment first.
As it stands I will not be at work without pay next week because when my brother is gone so he wont loose his job...someone has to be with her and the help has not come and a home has not come. He has about 15 days this month and then he should be here for a stretch. Hopefully we can get her in soon enough. Neither one of us needs to loose our jobs over this and her care does not need to suffer either. Maybe help will come before next Monday...but I doubt it.
Thanks it is good to know other people survived.
Sparky,
This touched my heart. I guess I was blessed to have relatively sane JW parents, though my mom was a borderline hypochondriac. After reading what you have written about your life, I believe you fit the idiom, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." to a tee.
I hope our paths will cross again.
XJW4EVR~
though my mom was a borderline hypochondriac.
I think it made mine that too and I am paranoid of addressing sickness because of it. So now I am all screwed up and have a zillion things I let go too far. See you could not just miss a meeting and there must be a good meeting to miss. a mom had to do everything and be supportive and smile and etc...blah blah and just could not be tired. Could not stay home and relax because you were made to feel guilty for it...so you got sick.
I remember faking sick to stay home from the meeting all the time and never fail...my mom would catch my fake sickness right after...funny as hell now...but severely pissed me off as a kid.
and XJW$EVR~ You know our paths will. It has been but a blink although at least 10 years. lol
