Today Is My Point of No Return - Or Is It? (page 2)

IsaacJS2

I would also recommend an exit strategy, especially since you have family that are Witnesses. I was lucky in that I had no Witness relatives--less lucky in that my wife was, and still is, one of them. But I had been grappling with my issues for a couple of years when I finally said, "No more." I left rather suddenly and the word "disfellowship" never even came up.

But not all congregations are the same. Many people here say they rarely heard from anyone when they "faded", but I sure did. I was on again, off again for some time, but my withdrawal was probably seen as somewhat abrupt. When I left, I would sometimes get 22 messages on my answering machine in a single day! Between that, and my issues with my father (non-Witness related) I finally tossed the answering machine out altogether, but kept my caller-ID. Remember, if they leave you a message, they'll expect to hear back from you.

After a couple of weeks, the calls stopped, but I kept having to deal with the self righteousness whenever I was out and about or whenever an Elder dropped by to "encourage" me. My wife was no help in avoiding this sort of crap because she wanted them to succeed in "reactivating me." I have no doubt she worked against me on more than one occasion, too. Eventually, they realized that I was finished with them and now they rarely bug me. I am still free to speak to my in-laws, though I don't always want to.

To be honest, I don't know why you couldn't just sort of stop going out of the the blue--except they would be more likley to love bomb you to death as they did with me. Maybe someone else has a different experience. But as long as you don't admit to doing anything they consider evil or start inciting a revolt among the rank and file, I'm not sure they have any real grounds to disfellowship you outright. They will bug you to death for a month or more, but some might prefer to take their medicine all at once instead of dragging it out over a year or more. You'll have to decide that on your own. Maybe others have different experiences that could help.

Just remember one thing: when they bust their butts to make you feel bad or guilty, they are doing it for themselves. Not for you. They will swear it is for your beneift, but they are fooling themselves. It's all about them and their need to force you to believe. So don't let them get to you. As you will soon learn, we're all full of suggestions and experiences. We might be able to help you if you get into a tight spot.

IsaacJ

jaguarbass

You could flip a coin to decide whether to quit tonight of after the baby. If you do not believe its the truth then your wasting your time attending meetings. The light doesnt get brighter. It just changes direction and then comes back again. We all get only so much time in this life. You say you don't want to offend anyone. I made a lot of bad decisions when I was your age because of that line. You need to make your mantra" take a flying fuxx trough a rolling donut." The only persons thoughts that you can control are yours. If others are offended by your actions consider it a wake up call for them to stop and smell the coffeeand get a life. If others are offended by your not wanting to attend or participate in cult activities that should not be your concern, that is their problem. If you go through your life worrying about strangers problems you will never have time to live your life and enjoy yourself. You might want to pick up the paper back book "your erroneous zones" by Wayne Dyer to help you correct your erroneous thinking and get control of your life. I was raised as a Jw and had to work through the same issues to get my freedom back in the early 80's.

mavie

I went through a similar experience about a year ago. It's all in my post history.

I began to miss meetings and received phone call after phone call along with numerous elder visits, even though I had some serious family issues to deal with. I was missing due to family reasons, not because I wanted to leave. Well, things came to a head and I decided I'd had enough, it was emotionally and physically exhausting.

My family and former friends now shun me, yet I've moved on to a better life. It's a spectacular feeling once you leave!

As far as your guilt regarding gifts. I understand why you might feel guilty, being raised in an organaztion which constantly makes you feel like you aren't doing enough. You need to do what is right for you, but remember, if you leave all those people who gave you gifts will not speak to you, ever. It doesn't matter how you try to leave, it will only matter that you left to them. There is no honorable way to leave the org. You should not feel guilty for leaving, you have done nothing wrong.

PM me if you have questions about my story, it took me about 3 months to get over it and break free.

brunnhilde

IsaacJ says: Just remember one thing: when they bust their butts to make you feel bad or guilty, they are doing it for themselves. Not for you. They will swear it is for your beneift, but they are fooling themselves. It's all about them and their need to force you to believe. That, and that they're probably jealous as hell that you're out and they're still trapped! *snicker*

AudeSapere

I read your opening post but unfortunately did not get to read all the responses.

someone wrote:
First, Change your phone number.
Continue to blame your wifes pregnency on missing meetings.
Tell the elders when they ask that you are depressed and are seeing a therapist.
Go to the hall occasionally, arrive late, leave early.

I agree with all of these and have one more to add if you want to fade faster: Alternate between the two halls. Go to the old hall for any meeting (arrive late and leave early if you want). 3 or 4 weeks later go to the new hall. Glance at Blondie's WT review so you have an idea of the topic for that week.

Tell them you changed your phone # because you were getting too many weird calls. If you must give out the new number, transpose the last 2 digits consistently. When called on it, roll your eyes and shake your head and say: I KEEP doing that...! (It will be true)

Don't worry skipping out with all the presents. Did you ASK for presents? Witnesses especially seem to really enjoy giving a baby shower. They had a nice time, I'm sure. People don't usually give baby presents under duress. They do it because they want to. And many enjoy the opportunity to shop in the baby section.

Those that really care about you, will come to visit. Keep the conversation focused on the baby and what ever other interesting thing is going on in your lives.

All this assumes that you want to fade. If you don't care to keep any contact with these people, then just quit going.

Congrats on starting a new family out of the org!! I truly wish you all a happy family life.

-Aude.

LeslieV

I have to agree with Aude...I don't know about anyone else here, but I loved to go to baby showers. Remember we never celebrated anything else so going to showers, weddings, etc was socialization. So they enjoyed going to the baby shower for your wife, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Remember leaving is a process. You and your wife have been raised in this religion. The tape is playing in your head. You can walk away from it, but it is still there. I think the advice of having an exit plan is excellent. You will feel you have control of your life, instead of feeling like the cult has control. You don't have to play their game any longer. The ball is in your and your wife's court, not their's. Good luck and keep coming back

Leslie

Cellist

We quit meeting attendance cold turkey. Never DA'd or DF'd, just quit. Lots of excuses whenever they called, definitely never told them what we were thinking. Our source of income at that time depended on a few JWs.

So, if it was me feeling the way you do, I'd just completely quit meeting attendance. Don't worry about the baby showers, there's never an easy way of quitting the JWs. It's just going to get more stressful for the two of you from here on. You could wind up with health problems if you try to hang on too long.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
Cellist

zugzwang

Well, no one here is going to tell you what to do. That is what the borg does. I can tell you this much though, it could be worse. I lost my marriage because I could no longer make myself believe what I knew wasn't true. The answer to your question may be, what kind of life do you want your child to have. You get to choose what environment to raise him/her in. And since you and your wife are on the same page you should be alright regardless of when you leave, cold turkey or slow fade. And, I wouldn't recommend it, but, if you feel guilty about the shower gifts, you could always give them back.

PopeOfEruke

The gifts are for the baby, no?

So let the baby grow up and when he/she is 20 or so then he/she can decide whether to keep the gifts or give them back!

Simple!

All the best for you!

Pope

becca1

With your wife being pregnant and then having a newborn, you have a great excuse for missing meetings. Send those thank you notes, continue to slide, let them gush over the baby a few times, and slip away... Like others already said, your going to be judged adversely for leaving no matter when or how you do it, so take advantage of the fact that you and your wife are "on the same page" and "get the heck outta Dodge".

Today Is My Point of No Return - Or Is It?

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