Althought writing some of that stuff in there made me want to puke, what do you think about thisi?
I am writing this letter to request reinstatement. While this time of discipline has been hard for myself as well as my family, it has proven Hebrews 12:11 true to me. In the last number of months I have had much work to do. Despite increasing work loads and family commitments, it is clear to myself and my family that I have truely humbled myself before Jehovah. I have found a new level of respect for Jehovah and his laws. I find myself praying to him not only more often now, but much more heartfelt than I knew was even possible a year or so ago. I constantly ask for his forgiveness and mercy. I study for more meetings now than I have for quite a few years and while I would rather not travel for work, I am happy to attend meetings while on the road or get in on the "phone hook-up" when I can’t attend. I hope all of you elders can understand my situation as I have been struggling very hard to do what is upright in Jehovah's eyes. I had to fully realize that as Hebrews 12:6 says, Jehovah disciplines those who he loves. This was a major help and comfort for me. I had to follow the admonition at Col. 3:5 and deaden my body members.
I prayed to Jehovah for help beating this problem of mine for years to no avail. I thought I didn’t deserve his help or holy spirit and allowed myself to slip further into my addiction. It was only a year or so ago that I realized I couldn’t wait to feel Jehovah’s help first, THEN put forth the effort to help myself. I had to dilligently put forth and effort first. As I did that, I soon noticed my life changing for the better. I prayed, and still pray to Jehovah continually and I hope that I have been forgiven by Jehovah.
Through prayer and the encouragement from the disfellowshipping, I am trusting in Jehovah. I also keep Col. 3:7 in mind, "In those very things you, to, once walked when you used to live in them". I can finally say I "once walked" like that. That has helped me draw close to Jehovah more than ever before. After a lifetime of failing to control oneself, after failed attempts to stop doing something you don’t even WANT to do, after a lifetime of this to finally be able to say that I am living as Jah commanded is a blessing I didn’t know was possible. I deeply regret what I have done to myself, to my family, to Jehovah and his congregation. I don’t know if I can ever remove the reproach I have brought on him and his congregation and I feel great sorrow for this.
With this changed attitude I began to truly change my life in more ways than one. So now I can confidently ask to be reinstated into the Christian congregation so I can experience Jehovah’s love and forgiveness openly with my brothers and sisters. I will leave the decision in your hands knowing Jehovah will guide you brothers with his spirit, to make the right decision.