I was on a 2-3 year cycle of depression and repression for years. A huge part of that twas the abuse in my early childhood (pre JW) But being a witness did nothing to help and I see ways it not only stopped me from healing but made them worse. The controlling environment of the WTS an a controlling husband/elder who was mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive drove me to the very brink of suicide.
About a year before I actually left I got elder-approved permission to see a therapist about my childhood abuse. The one rule was not to tell them I was a witness.
The counseling went well but it wasn't long before I was realized I was living the same nightmare in my adult life. My counselor lent me a book - a biography by a sexual abuse survivor. I related so well to the trauma, the feelings, the effects of what she went through.
At one point she described how she felt listening to her father come in the door at night. How the atmosphere thickened and fear would overwhelm her. I remember those feelings.
What shocked me was to realize I was still living that nightmare. But now, instead of listening for my father I had the sick feeling of listening to my husband's key in the door.
I sat on my bed for 3 days sick with the memories of the past and the reality of the present. It seemed like there was no way out and feeling trapped is one of the worst feelings in the world.
My thoughts of suicide increased. I did think of other options.
I could just leave but I knew I was too sick mentally to care for my daughters alone.
I still was a believer so knew I had an obligation to provide the "due" to my husband. We talked about that and he actually did move out to his own apartment for a short time but then wanted to make conjugal visits.
The WTS tells women that if they are not providing the "due" then it is the woman who is responsible if he has sex with someone else. I would carry the bloodguilt of his wandering outside the bonds of marriage.
The only way for me to avoid that bloodguilt was to either die or commit adultery myself so he could be free.
Yeah I realize how stupid that all is but I fell for it hook line and sinker. Interesting how I never considered he would be bloodguilty for my actions
So die or do it myself. And then I realized that I didn't want to be dead. There was an important but subtle difference between wanting to die and being dead. The wanting to die was more a wanting-it-all-to-stop, the pain, the anger, the abuse, the confusion, the pressures, I wanted it all gone.
So leaving became an option but I never wanted him knocking on my door saying we were still spiritually wed and I had an abligation to fulfill.
So instead of suicide I went the other way.
And damn it all if he didn't say he would forgive me if I decided to say.
No way. Getting my spiritual grounds for the end of the marriage was traumatic. I sure wasn't going to let it be for nothing.
So I'm still here. Stronger and better than before and that is a place in my head that I never want to go again
