Did feel that you were at a mental breaking point at the point of leaving?

by jambon1 40 Replies latest jw friends

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  choosing life

  I was having anxiety attacks at the end. If I knew they were going to discuss certain issues I made sure I missed. I remember once when an elder at the book study mentioned the 2 witness rule for child molestation-kinda out of the blue. My eyes met his and I shot him a look that I know he understood. There were times I left the meeting so I could keep from crying. It just disturbed me too much that people were suffering from their twisted teachings.

  In field service, I resorted to using only the Bible and the tract about Jesus. Didn't call back on anyone. Then I just stopped going. Kinda dropped off of the face of the earth.

  But leaving with family in does not stop the anxiety. Still have to watch what I say and do. It is only a partial relief.
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  moanzy

  My babies were so small when I quit. I just couldn't handle trying to get to endless meetings, finding excuses for not doing service(husband opposed). Trying to keep him happy, the kids looked after, the elders happy(I was subject to them not my husband, I was told) and then going through post-partum. Then add in my INSANE JW family. It was impossible, literally!!!!!

  Moanzy
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  free2beme

  I think it hits in different levels and no one can fully be honest and say they did not experience this to some degree. For me, it was trying to figure out how to fade and be true to myself in life. I got lucky to be married to someone who felt the same, and the sooner we dropped the load of the Witnesses, the better we felt.
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  choosing life

  Eyeslice

  Hey it is good to see you post. Haven't seen you for some time and just mentioned you on a previous post. You made me feel welcome when I first posted. Thanks.

  Choosing Life
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  becca1

  I'm still in that state.
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  zensim

  I actually felt more insane after I left. I spent the year I left on the computer exploring so many different ideologies, beliefs, conspiracy theories etc and in the end fell into terror and paranoia. Looking back though it was really the process of breaking down all those long held existing beliefs that made up my reality that created the mental breakdown. And that is the whole idea, to break down the mental stranglehold. I think there is always a feeling of mental breakdown when any belief system breaks disintegrate, even if it is your belief about your marriage, or job identity etc. But given that jw belief shapes your view of all reality, it is the biggie. I used to think those who 'fell away' were weak. Boy, once I started down that path I realised I was so wrong. Definitely not for the weak or fainthearted.
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  tetrapod.sapien

  R & R,

  good for you for makng it this far out. i remember being exactly where you are too. what a wild place. and yes, you are right. once you are this far out, you are basically out for good, and it is a matter of decided wich route out is best for you. same amount of pain though, imho.

  Did feel that you were at a mental breaking point at the point of leaving?

  yes. this is cognitive dissonance. it got to big and strong and overwhelming, and it started to manifest itself consciously in my mind. that was the scariest part because i did not know what the hell was going on.

  the only way to avoid extreme denial, or real psychosis, was to address the dissonance head on. and i realized later that it wasn't only caused by the org. the org was big, but there are other sources too.

  tetra
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  zensim

  That's true Tetra. But I wonder how many people leaving quickly replace it all with other safety nets of belief, instead of facing the dissonance head on?
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  troubled mind

  This past summer I had a witness ask me why we stopped going to meetings . I was straight forward honest and said " For my mental health !" I told him I was sick of being unhappy because of never feeling good enough , tired of the stress of trying to keep up and fed up with being lied to by people claiming to Love me . He asked sarcastically if I was happier now ....and I smiled big and said YES. It did take a few months to shake off some lingering doubts and guilt , but for the most part once I made the decision to leave a weight lifted off of me . We still are careful what we say to family that is in , but only because I respect their perspective is not the same as mine. As long as push doesn't come to shove I can play nice.
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  CordyC

  I am at this stage now- the feeling of despair trying to figure out how I am going to get out with my mother breathing down my neck saying I need to "wake up."

  Heal thyself, mother.

  CC