Raising kids in JW religion and the fall out in later years - Suggestions?

by juni 27 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • JWdaughter
    JWdaughter

    One thing I know from being a witness and seeing the pattern re-enacted and described here again and again by posters with regards to their families-many DO kind of emotionally blackmail, give ultimatums. Not knowingly, not consciously in many instances, but really giving the other person no choice in how they respond if they want to maintain a relationship. So your husband may have a point UP TO A POINT. At some point, he needs to take responsibility for what he has done. Men do not become MS because their wives forced them to take a study, go to meetings, get baptised, get appointed a MS with the 'priveleges'. When does he grow up and take his own resp.?

    But say you can agree that you did put pressure on him, he needs to acknowledge that he did not respond in the way befitting a partner(with equal family resp.) by knowtowing to it. So what? Its over now, you are out. What do you do with it now? How can you both learn from your mutual mistakes? He may not need to be making any speeches to the kids, but he and you both need to be ears, shoulders, whatever your kids need from you now. They need you to stick together mostly, and to walk on the same path out of that mess.

  • juni
    juni

    Thanks JWdaughter.

    What you said is true. In order to be appointed a MS a man has to be abiding by their set decorum. And who the heck would want to give public talks when MSs did and have all of the rest of the responsibilities such as spending more time in field service, going w/elders on shepherding calls which cuts in to your "free" time, the beatings they would get from the COs, and all of the rest of the expected "sacred services".

    you had said:

    He may not need to be making any speeches to the kids, but he and you both need to be ears, shoulders, whatever your kids need from you now. They need you to stick together mostly, and to walk on the same path out of that mess

    It's not speeches the kids need (that's not what they want, far from it, they've had their fill of speeches coming from a JW father)- but so far only I have been the one to be the ears, shoulders and whatever else...... except for our daughter who forced him to tune in to her desire to talk about the past.

    Juni

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut
    But he has to step up to the plate sometime. He says he will, but never does.

    Agrees w/the counselor, but doesn't follow through on this particular issue.

    Sounds like a typical male. (Remember, guys, I am a male)
    He knows he has to use his feelings, but never does reveal them or
    talk about them with others. How does the counselor drag things out
    of him- try to copy that.

    Often, it is family tragedy or situations that cause changes in the
    status quo, sometimes too late. Until then, plug along with therapy
    and be the person you need to be, hope for the best with him.

  • bronzefist
    bronzefist

    Hey, Juni my good friend.

    Question...do your sons want their dad to address their issues resulting from the JW years? Or is it just that you and your daughter feel he should?

    brzfst

  • juni
    juni
    Question...do your sons want their dad to address their issues resulting from the JW years? Or is it just that you and your daughter feel he should?

    You are so perceptive.....

    It's my daughter who feels that Dad should address her brothers whose decisions she feels have been influenced by the JW religion and Dad's authoritative personality.

    I've talked w/all of them. Together and separately. Boys just want to let it go as they know Dad and his personality.

    She is the "little" fixer-upper - wants to set things right for her brothers. In all due respect to her.

    I just want to let it go. They know that I'm approachable if they want to talk. The boys that is. I just get tired of re hashing the past along w/ dealing w/my husband and his lack of love for me.

    Hugs, Juni Have to turn off now. Good night.

  • avidbiblereader
    avidbiblereader

    Some of the most healing words in therapy.

    I am sorry and I was wrong and please forgive me!

    I raised one daughter and she has had to go through therapy and struggles to this day with all the crap. I was honest and said I wished I never raised you a witness, I told her I was sorry, I did what I thought was right at the time and how wrong I was. I have asked her for my forgiveness as I am truly sorry that my descision had such a negative impact on her life.

    abr

  • moanzy
    moanzy

    Juni,

    As an adult child of witness parents that have ROYALLY screwed up as parents, the only thing I wish I could hear from my mom is "I'm so sorry". Not a "I'm sorry I don't know how to do anything right, I'm a bad mom...." . The kind that comes straight from the heart and acknowledges that what we as children experienced was just plain wrong.

    Moanzy

  • juni
    juni
    have asked her for my forgiveness as I am truly sorry that my descision had such a negative impact on her life.

    abr

    Thank you avidbiblereader. I remember that you are a former elder. You are right. Remember in some commercial a long time ago it went, " Love means you never have to say I'm sorry." That is so untrue. I forget what they were advertising. The opposite of those words is what is true.

    It takes humility and true love to swallow one's pride to say those words and MEAN IT.

    I wish the best for your daughter.

    Sincerely, Juni

    As an adult child of witness parents that have ROYALLY screwed up as parents, the only thing I wish I could hear from my mom is "I'm so sorry". Not a "I'm sorry I don't know how to do anything right, I'm a bad mom...." . The kind that comes straight from the heart and acknowledges that what we as children experienced was just plain wrong.

    Moanzy

    Thanks Moanzy. Yes, those words from the heart is what can help the "child" to heal. The other words your mom said to you is being passive-aggressive. And that cuts like a knife.

    My mom isn't a JW and that is her way. She is emotionally abusive. With people like that chances are you'll never get from them what you need. You have to hold them at arm's length and decide what sort of adult to adult relationship you're going to have w/them if at all.

    I wish you the best. And thanks again for your help.

    Juni

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