Raising kids in JW religion and the fall out in later years - Suggestions?

by juni 27 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  juni

  Raised 4 kids in JW religion. None are baptized and all are now adults. They all have their own issues to this day from the crap that they were raised in.

  Anyone else share this similar history? Do your kids still have issues w/you as their parents? I'd appreciate any help as to how to help them get past this or at least help them to find a place for it.

  I've talked a lot to them as I was the gung ho witness and they recognize that I did what I thought was best for them. My husband was a MS but went along "because of me" he said. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to the kids. Has an ego problem. I try to get him to sit down and talk w/them, but it's like pulling teeth.

  I'm getting tired of being the only one to be straight forward and have heart to heart talks when he also should be doing his part.

  Thanks for your help.

  Juni

  What can I do to get him to talk w/his kids?
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  Sirona

  Juni,

  It sounds like he isn't accepting his responsibility in the whole thing. He could have chosen to not be a witness and to bring a non-witness perspective to his kids. But he didn't. Nowadays he wants to blame you.

  How about working on him in the sense of opening his mind to the stuff that really happened to you both? Consider that lots of capable, intelligent people are drawn into a cult ....try and get him to read up on this?

  What particular problems exist with your kids?

  Sirona
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  OnTheWayOut

  Yelling and begging don't work? I see that he needs to be taught to discuss it thru
  therapy. I doubt you could get him to therapy by himself. Tell him what a strain
  the whole thing is on you, you go to a couples therapist, eventually the therapist
  will find a way with you to get him to go with you. That's just one opinion.
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  Satanus

  I don't have any kids, but i recently realised that i still have an issue w my dad. It is largely related to the wt religion into which he got us and raised us. The issue is that he wasn't there for me, he moved us around a lot, and threatened to abandon his family. Also, he kicked me out during my teenage yrs.

  I reconciled w him a few yrs ago. I worked through a few issues, and now, this one has come up. My animal reaction is that since he did all that, and still has those same tendencies, why should i go and be there for him, now even though he's old?

  S
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  juni

  Onthewayout, thank you.

  Already in couples' therapy. A lot of issues in our marriage. This being one of them. It's hard for a person like this to humble themselves. We've talked about this. I'm not a yeller. I've enabled him through the years by taking the lead in all of these uncomfortable conversations w/the kids. But he has to step up to the plate sometime. He says he will, but never does.

  Agrees w/the counselor, but doesn't follow through on this particular issue. As far as with me and showing me closeness - he does in a way, but it doesn't last. He's a good provider, but emotionally stunted.

  I'm going to have to talk w/the therapist by myself and let him know what goes on after our sessions.

  Juni
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  juni

  Satanus said:

  My animal reaction is that since he did all that, and still has those same tendencies, why should i go and be there for him

  Yep. The same thing. My husband didn't do things w/the kids unless it was something that interested him. He taught the boys how to fix their cars, house repairs, that sort of thing. Which is good as that has saved them $. But never there for them emotionally.

  "Still has those same tendencies". That's the problem w/my husband. Same person even though not a JW any longer. Did you feel comfortable talking to your dad Satanus? My husband said that I threatened to leave if he didn't also study (which I don't remember saying). But he also believed a lot of the stuff. He invited the JWs in. I guess he bullshitted his way through and did the MS thing to keep things more interesting is what he said. Was one way at the Hall and when out w/the kids (when they were younger) when I wasn't around he would swear, etc. Kids could see the hypocrisy and would laugh about it.

  Thanks for your help.

  juni
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  juni

  Sirona, thanks. He doesn't "blame" me, but said he felt he had no choice in becoming a JW. That I gave an ultimatum. I guess that is blaming isn't it? No. Bottom line is that he doesn't want to take the responsibility. Somehow thinks it's my job as I'm closer w/the kids than he and I can talk w/them. Passing the buck in other words.

  I just can't go into the kids' issues right now. I would have to PM you and I just don't have time right now.

  Juni
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  Satanus

  Did you feel comfortable talking to your dad Satanus?

  No. I have a few times posed a problem of mine in front of him, hoping for some wisdom. He didn't have much to offer. His main goal in conversations was and still is to prove himself right and show how much he knows. Although, he did try, on other levels, to help me and the other kids, but he had little to offer. He was basically an idiot then, and is basically an idiot, now. For example, he is always looking for people to talk w. Yet, when i start getting into conversations w him, he always interrupts me to tell me about his belief, his this, his that. I often clam up after a couple of those interruptions, sometimes i tell him that he interrupted. I have seen him doing the same w other people. In my line of work, and w some friends that i have, i have recieved wise advice from them, that was useful. While i gave him opportunities, i can't think of anything very useful that my dad told me.

  S
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  lonelysheep

  Satanus, your dad sounds exactly like mine (non-jw, I barely bother with him at all).

  ((((Juni)))), I hope he'll somehow realize what role he needs to play in all of your lives.
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  Satanus

  Juni

  Your question pertained to when i was still at home. Sorry, i got distracted by more recent stuff. My dad was understandably very stressed, as a jw, raising a family, married to a woman he didn't like, being presiding overseer, etc, etc. Can't say that i was comfortable talking to him during those days.

  S