De Judge hated Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his underwear was to tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason,
His heart or the booze,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating more than the Jews,
Staring down from his thone with a sour, drunken frown
At the warm lighted windows were aglow in the town.
For he knew every Dub down in Dub-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistleoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his fat fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
The more de Judge thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE JUDGE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" de Judge croaked like a pigeon;
'I'll make the whole Christmas season, from pagan origin!'
he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great nifty trick!
"With the bible and booze, I'll just look like a prick!"
"All I need is a scripture..."
de Judge looked in The Book.
But he couldn't find nothing, the senile old crook.
Did that stop the old goat?
NO! The Judge simply said,
"If I can't find a reason, I'll make one instead!"
So he wrote in the Watchtower
"Christmas is bad!
If you keep celebrating
You'll make Jesus mad!"
He went with his spies
To observe all their deeds
Or if everyone out there
Would now listen and heed.
Then de Judge said, "Let's go!"
And the limo started down
Toward the homes where the Dubs
Lay a-snooze in their town.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old bastard declared;
And he took out his camera in his fat little fist;
And a pen and a paper to start up his list.
And what sight did greet him
The grumpy jack ass?
Not a wreath, or a candle, only silence en mass.
He got out of the car; rather hard for a pudge.
But, if Adolf could do it, then so could de Judge.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
But his driver, with glee, kicked his ass with his shoe.
Then he drank and plotted, with an air that he'd won,
And decided to ban every day that was fun.
Mother's Day! Father's Day, and also Thanksgivin'
Were now on the books as of pagan origin.
But he went by some new converted Dub's place;
And saw in the window, a little girl's face;
Alone and so sad now he took all their fun
But de Judge didn't see anything wrong that he'd done.
He figured he'd probably save them a ton;
By banning everything in life that was fun;
‘No toys, no bikes' he grinned with a hiss;
‘Now they can spend all their time
Out in Field Ser-vice.
He stayed there the night;
To see what they'd do
They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
But the Dubs woke up early;
And sang Christmas carolls;
With all of their children;
Ted, Larry and Daryll.
And de Judge, with his heart made of snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
Then he drank from his bottle, then drank even more.
Then the Judge thought of something he hadn't before.
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Dub-ville they say
That de Judge's small heart
Shrank three sizes that day!
He had them all axed
From the ones they loved most;
To their family and friends;
They were now just a ghost.
Yes, welcome, welcome
One and all;
To the nightmare that is
the Kingdom Hall.