APUPI - Pensacola
"They just won't stop knocking" gasped local elder John Swollenliver as he described the relentless barage of trick-or-treaters beating on his door. "Why do they keep knocking on the door! They keep knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking!" shrieked elder Swollenliver as he descended into madness.
"We know you are in there!!! Don't you want to give us some tracts!!! How about a free, home-based bible study!!! C'mon invite me to a convention!!!" cried out the angered focus of the local life-saving preaching work.
"Those bastards woke me up every Saturday last summer" explained the father of young Ralphie Snipple. "Yeah, little Ralphie wanted to be a power ranger, but I knew that wouldn't scare the crap out of those damn door-knockers, so I had him dress like Ray Franz!!!".
Apparantly Ralphie enjoyed the opportunity for a little payback as well, "Ok, like first of all, they would always interrupt my Saturday cartoons." he explained. "But the thing that really got me pissed was when my friend Johnny Spewack's mom joined this bunch. Now he can't ever play cuz he is always at some meeting. He says if it wasn't for me sneaking him some of my candy he would just snap. What a bunch of crap!" He continued to beat on elder Swollenliver's door shouting, "Hey we got a smurf out here!"
Despite the all the cowering by Jehovah's chosen people in the face of the horrifying persecution of small, festive children asking for candy, some are not so easily intimidated.
On the other side of town, Sister Cantfindabrother is more resolute, "ok, those little demonic bastards can enjoy their night of striking fear into the hearts of the friends, but for the next 364 days, their little rotting-at-Armageddon asses are mine!" she said washing down her anti-depressant pills with her fifth rum and coke. "I will start a study with your mothers and convince them that Jehovah doesn't want you to play little league. Next year you little minions of satan-the-devil will be carrying a service bag instead of a trick or treat bag" she shrieked and cackled maniacly into the night before passing out repeatedly mumbling, "What a world, what a world, what a world".