A famous family counselor/author/lecturer/pastor presented the following opinion about forgiveness during a conference that I was videotoaping. He said that when an abuse victim finally reaches out, the majority of “Christian” counselors tell the victim to forgive the abuser as a means of dealing and healing. He asserted that in his opinion this is a very “Unchristian” thing to do since you are asking the victim to do what even God does not immediately do. Furthermore in the cases of serious abuse (sexual, physical) the victim given this advice ends up feeling even worse because forgiving their abuser is understandably difficult if not impossible for them. His assertion is that forgiveness is up to God and that the victim should not be pressured to forgive the abuser. Any thoughts?
Concept of Forgiveness..is it an essential element of dealing and healing?
by My MILs worst nightmare, a nonJW 17 Replies latest jw friends
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truthsetsonefree
Even the Awake, for all of its insensitivity says this. There are some crimes that, while we may let go of the bitterness for our sanity, should not be forgiven if the perpetrator hasn't expressed sincere remorse AND done their best to make ammends.
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blondie
The kind of forgiveness that comes to mind in this situation is not absolving the abuser of their personal responsibility in regard to their abuse of you. That is not the kind of forgiveness that is healing.
It is slowly letting go of the hate and resentment and fear of the abuser, to no longer give them power over you and your feelings and your present and your future.
You no longer give them a place in your life.
I survived my child sexual abuse and came to terms with my abuser.
A good book for dealing with this subject is:
Forgiveness--How To Make Peace With Your Past and Get On With Your Life by Dr. Sidney B. Simon and Suzanne Simon
Some excerpts:
What forgiveness is not:
Forgiveness is not forgetting
Forgivenss is not condoning
Forgiveness is not absolution
Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice
Forgiveness is not a clear-cut, one-time decision
Blondie
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Scully
The concept of forgiveness that we learned as JWs involves a kind of tabula rasa or clean slate for the offender. That is not an appropriate concept to expect of someone who has been so seriously wronged - as in the case of someone who was molested as a child, or a woman who was beaten by her husband, etc.
The concept of forgiveness that I now hold involves "letting go". Forgiveness, when I choose to give it, is for my benefit and no one else's. It means that I no longer carry the burden of shame and damaged self-esteem that someone else's actions toward me have caused. It means that I will move forward with my life, in spite of the horrible treatment I received from someone else. It means that my life is no longer going to be driven by the mindset that came about as a result of the damage inflicted upon me. It means that I am no longer going to view myself as a victim, but as a survivor. It does not mean that the person who harmed me is now my "friend". It does not require that the individual who harmed me is welcome in my life. It does not erase the wrong or the gravity of the wrong that was done to me. It means that I am no longer going to be weighed down by what the other person did.
That is the concept of forgiveness that is, in my opinion, essential for healing.
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candidlynuts
i think it depends a lot on the personality of the victims..
i've known women who were abused as children.. some forgave the men that abused them, and i have heard them comment things like they needed to forgive for their own peace of mind, hate dragged them down.
others didnt. out of the ones that didnt, one told me that she would never forgive him, that he represented all that is evil on this earth to her and she could no more forgive him than god could forgive satan, and why should she be more forgiving than god?
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crazyblondeb
Over the years I thought I had forgiven my stepdad. But I was sssooo destructive to myself. I was still filled with rage, hate, and bitterness. I finally realized I had to do what Scully described. It had to be for myself. I had to let go of it all. When I finally did, a weight was lifted. It took me so many years to get to that point. I couldn't have done it without the support I have here.
I haven't forgotten. He is not welcome in my life. He just no longer is allowed to take up space in my head, or heart.
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delilah
I was finally able to forgive the man who abused me, when I saw him, lying in hospital, hooked up to life support. I stood in the doorway, watching the machine, breath for him, and suddenly, I felt sorry for him. He was about to answer to God for all his crimes...........and in that instant, all the rage, and everything else I'd felt over the years, slipped away. It was like a huge weight was lifted off me, and I whispered a goodbye to him, turned and left the room.
Now, I am able to refer to him as my grandfather.
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Sad emo
I've been seeing a Christian counsellor - I think she would agree with the speaker to a large extent.
She has never asked, told me to, or even suggested that I should forgive my abusers. I suspect that she sees that as a decision which I will come to myself, without needing to be pushed.
It would be harmful to tell someone to forgive - especially if like me, the victim believes that it was his or her own fault that the abuse happened. You can't forgive someone if you don't think they've done anything wrong in the first place. In that respect, it is impossible to forgive them.
I'm not sure what he means about eventual forgiveness being up to God. You can approach that a couple of ways:
1. If the abuser is unrepentant of their sins then they'd be 'unsaved' anyway so God couldn't offer them forgiveness.
2. Maybe the speaker was hinting that it is God who brings the victim to a place where they feel able to offer forgiveness?
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kerj2leev
Scully
I couldn't agree more with your comments. After my wife leaving my son and I, its been a struggle to try to heal. She would like nothing more than pretend that everything is alright and we should just move on. Infact I think she would love it if we were "friends", but I will not allow her to ease her conscience by making it seem everything is ok. I will not forgive her for taking away my belief in love and a good family from her son.
To me forgiveness can be a burden if you let it. We shouldn't make ourselves feel guilty if we can't forgive what has been done to us. I also think it isn't healthy to dwell on the negatives of life, but we should learn from them. Time will dull the effects of our pain, forgiveness just makes the guilty party feel better.
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serendipity
Forgiving others is a gift to myself, but it takes time.