The reason I struggled with forgiveness was because I didn't understand forgiveness.
By definition to forgive means to give before. To forgive a debt means to pay the debt for the debtor. It also means to acknowledge payment of a debt, (e.g.) the debt is paid, thus the debt is forgiven.
I rented a place to a guy and he made a mess and I sent him a bill. He owed me. Finally he pays me. The debt is paid and the debt is forgiven. Does that mean I want to rent to him again? No! And I won't.
There are two ways to pay a debt. One way is for the debtor to pay the creditor. The other way is for the creditor to "write it off", or to pay the debt off on behalf of the debtor. Either way the debt is paid.
But I forgave the past renter, why won't I rent to him again? It's two separate issues. Debt and relationship are not very well related. I can forgive a debt and not want a relationship.
In interpersonal relationships I have to objectively determine what's owed. What's the debt? Then I have to decide if I will accept payment. And if I accept payment, do I want any kind of relationship going forward?
I believe I can't get a good deal from a bad guy. So, once I got ya down as a bad guy, I ain't gonna want ya around whether ya got a debit balance or a credit balance. People who have treated me bad are bad people. Good people don't treat me bad. I know lots of good people, and not one ever treated me bad on purpose.
I think those counselors who try to help people finish unfinished business are doing their job. I think a counselor who would expose a victim to more abuse on any level is an idiot.
Concept of Forgiveness..is it an essential element of dealing and healing?
by My MILs worst nightmare, a nonJW 17 Replies latest jw friends
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garybuss
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My MILs worst nightmare, a nonJW
It would be harmful to tell someone to forgive - especially if like me, the victim believes that it was his or her own fault that the abuse happened.
Sad emo I think that this was his main point since what you describe is typical...That dealing and healing point shouldn't be predicated on the victim (survivors) ability to forgive.
Great comments all, I admire your strength and resolve, your hard work and example to others!
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Big Tex
The kind of forgiveness that comes to mind in this situation is not absolving the abuser of their personal responsibility in regard to their abuse of you. That is not the kind of forgiveness that is healing.
It is slowly letting go of the hate and resentment and fear of the abuser, to no longer give them power over you and your feelings and your present and your future.
Well said Blondie, as usual.
I think the concept of forgiveness is sometimes misunderstood because of the actual word itself. It implies an almost Catholic-like absolution, when it really isn't like that. Forgiveness is recovering and then healing the wounds. Part of that is assigning blame, who did what, when, and so on. It helps put the entire experience into perspective and allows a victim to properly frame the event before moving forward.
But part of forgiveness, I think, is forgiving ourselves. I know this was the single most difficult part of my recovery and one I still struggle with. I, like many victims, felt like 'damaged goods', dirty and unclean somehow as if what they did diminished me. Extracting those thoughts and feelings, that were given to me by my abusers is very difficult, but a necessary part of healing.
Some victims actually do forgive their abuser. But this is not a requirement for a victim to recover. Anyone mandating that from a victim is working on their own agenda and most likely causing more harm than good.
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Lady Lee
When I was 11, I reported my fahter to the police for sexual abuse over the last 3 years. We went to court and he lost custody of all 4 of his children On the courthouse steps he approached me and said if he ever saw me again he would kill me.
I was scared. I knew he could do it and was relieved that I was moving a few hundred miles away. Walking away from him I did something that now surprises me. I left the anger behind. In my mind he was not my father anymore. He was just one more person who had hurt me but could not destroy me. I wasn't going to let the anger take over and make my life difficult and self destructive. Anger certainly wouldn't do anything for him because he would never know so why carry it around. I doin't know how I knew this but I know I did. From that day on I always referred to him by his name. My mother was caught off guard a few times when I used his name.
Years later I confronted him about the abuse he inflicted on me. At first he didn't even know who I was But when I reminded him he took no responsibility for the abuse. I was stilled scared of his ability to go through his threat
My father married the mother of one of my best childhood friends. I used to tell her to let me know when he was dead because I wanted to make sure he was really dead but I wouldn't come to see him. Years later she called me to say he only had a few days left. For some reason I wanted to go.
I remember walking into his hospital room and seeing this old frail man gasping for breath and my fear of him disappeared. He could never hurt me or any one else again. My impression was that in the end he was scared to die. I remember walking around the bed and standing in front of the open window where the sun was shining in. I could see the sun shining from behind me and through my hair. I had this weird feeling that I must have looked like one of the angels on that TV show Touched by an Angel. At any rate his head turned towards me and his eyes opened wide. I took my hand and put one on his forehead and took his hand in the other. I told him it was time to go and that his mother was waiting for him. Less than 24 hours later he was gone.
The nurses said he had been struggling and fighting against dying. Diud what I say give him permission to stop fighting? I have no idea. It could be just coincidence or timing.
But I know my fear was gone. No one in his wife's family wanted to say anything at the funeral. They were all relieved he was out of their mother's life. I volunteered to do it. Don't ask me why I just knew I wanted to. And they were all afraid of what I might say.
But I wrote down what I was going to say and let my old friend read it. She approved. It was honest but not bitter or fearful. Eulogy The simple truth about a man who caused so much pain and that would answer to God for all the hurt he caused everyone who knew him
Letting go of the anger is not the same as forgiving. He never once acknowledged the abuse towards anyone. He believed he had a right to hurt others He certainly wasn't finished abusing people. My friend's mother was terribly abused by him.
But whatever judgement he gets is between him and God.
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tijkmo
There are some crimes that, while we may let go of the bitterness for our sanity, should not be forgiven if the perpetrator hasn't expressed sincere remorse AND done their best to make ammends.
i was wrongly df-ed....this initially didnt bother me..anyone can make a mistake (meaning the jc)
but it was their refusal to accept that they could have handled it better and their subsequent refusal to even speak to me about it , or in fact speak to me at all - even after they had begrudgingly reinstated me that has made it virtually impossible for me to fully deal,heal and move on.
tried to be the bigger man here...but you made me...very small indeed...very small indeed
want to forgive you...needing you to ask...knowing that you never will...which makes you even smaller still
acccording to the nov 15 wt thier actions made them servants of the devil and there are times when i think that their everlasting life is dependant on my forgiving them...and then i remind myself that that is just fantasy
but just in case it isnt...i have resolved never to
tijkmo...of the just because i had my hair cut doesn't mean i'm not still the bitter disillusioned person i was before class
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tijkmo
People who have treated me bad are bad people. Good people don't treat me bad. I know lots of good people, and not one ever treated me bad on purpose
sometimes you must forgive someone....just because you want them in your life...
but when you don't want them in your life...then don't bother forgiving them
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poppers
Scully, that was one of the best and most enlightened definitions of forgiveness that I have ever seen.
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Apostate Kate
Yes, Skully that is a great explanation of it.
We can come to forgive those who hurt and abused us. That does not mean we will allow them back into our lives. Forgivness is really hard! I think it is only natural to want justice, but we don't always get the justice we want. That can make it harder to forgive.
We do it for ourselves. Sometimes there are emotions involved, repressed feelings, and we may need to purge the pain if we have not dealt with it. I wrote a graphic fictional story about one abuser that was cathartic. True forgivness also frees us from reliving the abuse and living in the past.
As far as following Jesus, biblicaly it is an essential part of the gospel message.
Ephesians 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.