Good news: No longer an elder; Bad news: Disappointed wife

by doinmypart 50 Replies latest jw friends

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  doinmypart

  My wife & I have a good relationship except when it comes to things dealing with the WTS. Over the past few years we've both made concessions, and I even made some headway in getting her to think about some things. But from time-to-time we would end up arguing about something WTS-related and there would be days of tension between us.

  Well, a few weeks ago we were having a casual conversation about wildlife in our area, she mentioned something about Jehovah ruining those who ruin the earth. I suggested we do some volunteer work in our area cleaning up a local creek that coming Saturday. She replied that she is already involved in a life-saving community service, and I said something sarcastic. She tells me she has allowed herself to drift, so she wants to get herself together and start pioneering again. From that point the argument ensued.

  The next day I told her our "standoff" (for lack of a better word) wasn't working anymore and I couldn't be an elder or attend anymore meetings. She didn't say much about it, we didn't talk much that day. That evening I took my elder manual to the PO's house and was going to tell him I was done. He wasn't home so I left the book and a short resignation letter with his wife. That has been a couple of weeks ago. I haven't been to a meeting since.

  My wife is upset...we talk and she's cordial, but I can tell she is upset. In hindsight I hate that I pushed too hard, my wife wouldn't agree to read/listen to anything contrary to the WTS, but I think she was doing her best given the situation. I just couldn't stomach listening to all the BS at the meetings and assemblies. I was tired of waiting for things to get better while life continued to pass me by. There are too many things I'd like to see and do. I don't regret not being an elder anymore, but I feel selfish...after all didn't my wife deserve some happiness too? She married a guy she thought would be a JW forever. I know she is torn in that she loves me, but at the same time I've been a disappointment to her. I don't know if she will stay around or leave...I've got a feeling she will leave.

  I don't know what else to say. Right now I'm just taking some time to regroup, thankfully work has kept me busy. Eventually my relatives will find out I'm no longer serving, and I'm sure the elders will try getting with me. The coming weeks and months will be interesting.
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  sass_my_frass

  yikes, sorry to hear it man. I don't know what to say. The best way to help her is to make the marriage work based on something besides the three-fold cord. Show her that there is love, loyalty and happiness outside the JWs.
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  Gill

  Doinmypart - I totally sympathise with you. I suggest you make it worth your wife's while to stay with you. There is NO LOVE in the organization. However, you can be love itself. The choice is yours.

  I insisted on carrying on going to meetings when my husband refused to go anymore. I used to sit on my own with everyone ignoring me while I struggled with my kids. After the meetings there was no kind ness or love. But my husband! WoW! He would help me get ready for meetings. He'd be there to fetch me. He'd made dinner, cleaned up, was loving. He helped me all the time and was the most wonderful, loving person in the world.

  One Sunday, I was sitting in a meeting and it occured to me 'What the hell am I doing here with these idiots when I could be at home with the one I love!'

  I never went back again. At that time I still believed it was da troof and I decided I would rather die with this loving, kind man than live forever without him.

  Of course, I discovered later that da troof was total BS! But I'm sure you get what I'm trying to tell you.

  Don't discuss the bOrg with her. Just be the most wonderful husband in the world

  IF there's one thing you can be sure of 'Love never fails!'

  If she loves you, as you believe she does, in time, she WILL chose you if you can be patient and loving. It takes time though! Don't give up!

  All the best for your futures!!!

  Gill
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  AlmostAtheist

  >>I don't regret not being an elder anymore, but I feel selfish...after all didn't my wife deserve some happiness too? She married a guy she thought would be a JW forever. I know she is torn in that she loves me, but at the same time I've been a disappointment to her.

  I'm sorry you're both going thru this. The fact is, people change. Some people get married largely because of shared interests. If one or the other of them loses interest in scuba diving or whatever it is, is that anyone's fault?

  Dude, it isn't selfish to be true to yourself. You aren't responsible for the expectations of someone else, even someone you love. Yes, it's disappointing for her. That's a shame, but it isn't anyone's fault.

  I wish I had something wise and wonderful to share, but getting painted into a corner is just part of the game. :-(

  I wish you and your wife the very best.

  Dave
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  blondie

  In the Borg, women have very little status...what status they do have revolves around their husband's status. With your stepping aside, doin, now your wife really has no status, and because you are not going to the meetings, people will start viewing her with suspicion, seeing her as a possible source of spiritual contamination.

  Does she love you, the man, or you the elder, is the question.

  Just spend more time with her, giving her thoughtful gifts or doing something thoughtful, now that you have more time.

  Blondie (ex-elder's wife and glad of it)
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  greendawn

  I think it's positive that she is understanding to your position though she's deep in the labyrinth of the cult, from what you are saying she knows you have serious doubts yet she didn't run to the other elders to tell on you.
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  Dansk

  Doinmypart,

  To seek truth is the finest of goals, but first we must be true to ourselves! What you have done is be true to yourself. Absolutely no one, including your wife, should find fault with that.

  Ian
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  sir82

  Wow. What did you say in your letter of resignation?

  One thing that might help with your wife: I of course don't know her, but I am quite familiar with the JW mindset. She may be primarily disppointed because you seem to be shirking your duty as her "spiritual head". What if you continue to study the Bible with her, but just the Bible? Make an honest effort to really understand what the Bible's message is...if you can draw out the disconnects between the Bible's teachings and the WTS slant, she may come around.
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  vitty

  I absolutly agree with Gill...............When my husband stepped down from being a servant I was so upset with him. I felt hed let me down, I knew our social life was over and i just didnt want to do it by myself.

  Dont stop talking about anything, show her you love her and tell her everyday !
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  Finally-Free

  My ex married me thinking I'd always be a JW and climb the theocratic ladder, becoming a MS, elder, CO, DO, etc. She was disappointed when I DA'd, and many discussions degenerated into arguments. She felt threatened because I was finding friends who were not JWs. I never tried to prevent her from going to meetings or service, but I didn't keep my mouth shut regarding my opinions about the cult either. My marriage didn't survive it.

  If you really want to save your marriage you can't be pushy. You'll need to learn to bite your tongue many times a day. You'll need to pay a lot of extra attention to your wife. Give her plenty of time to realize you're not morphing into a demon, but a normal, balanced person.

  Best of luck.

  W